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Testosterone
- Started taking
Testosterone at 19 years old
- I take testosterone
to bring my physical body into line with
my sense of self. To be able to feel comfortable
in my own skin. To not have to pretend to be
someone I'm not simply because of the way people
perceive me due to my physical body. To look in
the mirror and see my body reflect who I
am.
- The end result of
taking testosterone for me is I am able to
function 100% in society comfortably and happily
as the man I always knew I was. I don't have any
insecurities in dealing with people and being
part of society. Voice has deepened, fat
distribution has changed, skin texture changed,
sex drive has increased and hair. Hair, hair and
more hair - I'm now a bit 'too hairy' but love
the fact that I am now so visibly different to
what I looked like before taking testosterone. I
can live with the excess hair.
- Transition to me is
simply the process of bringing the physical body
and the spiritual self into line.
Habits & Health
- Don't smoke at all
- Drinks rarely
- Mild exercise (i.e., climb stairs, walk 3
blocks, golf)
- Have never used recreational drugs
Mental Health
Prior to taking testosterone I suffered
depression. In the 2 years leading up to seeking
treatment I became a recluse. I hardly ever left
the house, I lost all friends, slept all day, spent
all night on the internet. I cried myself to sleep,
had feelings of hopelessness and gained a lot of
weight. Since taking testosterone and seeing my
body transform I have become a happy, outgoing
person. I have made friends, taken up a hobby and
have a job where I deal with people all day every
day. I now enjoy interacting with people whereas
the mere thought used to terrify me due to my self
conscious obsession with my female appearing
body.
Life prior to Treatment
Life before transition - I
merely existed. I felt like a spectator, watching
everyone else live their life. I remember the pain
and the embarassment, but much of the rest of it is
a bit of a blur now. It feels like a life time
ago.
My identity prior to
transition - I never really thought about myself as
anything before transition. I just simply
was.
The most common emotion
for me was a myriad of emotions. Depression,
hopelessness, anger and sorrow. Jealousy at seeing
my brother live his life, wishing I was
him.
I had no set plan regarding suicide. I never
attempted suicide but did think about it often. I
wanted to end it all but found the love I had for
my family and from my family prevented me from ever
attempting it. As miserable as I was, I could never
put my parents through that - losing me to suicide
and never knowing why.
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Treatment & Effects
What medical
process/hormone regime —
- When I started, 250mg
of primoteston depo once a fortnight...
religiously.
- Also had blood tests
regularly by my own request. I wanted to
actually SEE what my levels were and how I was
going, I found it very exciting.
- Now, I self inject
250mg of same roughly once a fornight but can go
up to 3 weeks or so. I know when I need to
administer more as I have become attuned to how
I feel etc.
- In 2001 had bilateral
mastectomy. Do not feel the need to have lower
surgery.
What changes occured
that you wanted? —
- Everything that happened was all good!
- I wanted the deeper voice, the body
hair.
- Very importantly too.. a FLAT CHEST. I had
dreamed about having a flat chest for many, many
years.
What changes occured
that you didn't want? —
Back hair..lol. On the
serious side though, cholesterol level did increase
slightly but not out of normal range.
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body
type before
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Endomorph
- very overweight and no muscle
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body
type after
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Endomorph-
now stocky but very muscled
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weight
before
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98kg
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weight
after
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around
80kg
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height
before
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162
cm
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height
after
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165
cm
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Did testosterone or
transition change your sexuality (who you are
attracted to)? —
Not in essence. However, before transition I was
not sexual. I didn't want anyone even getting close
to my female body. I was attracted to females but
was fascinated by males. As I transitioned, I came
to realise that I am very attracted to females and
that my fascination with males is that I wanted to
be like them. I wanted the abs and the broad back
and muscles etc.
Attitudes of HealthCare Providers
Positive aspects of
healthcare provider treatment —
My GP was wonderful in
that he proved to be bomb proof. When I went to him
to tell him how I felt and what I wanted to do he
hardly blinked. It was very helpful to me that he
was genuinely interested. Though he admited he did
not know much about it it was reassuring to me that
he would do whatever he could to learn more and
help.
He did very well with the
change of pronouns and name and was like a friend.
I have fond memories of him sharing my excitement
at my first whiskers and my changing voice
etc.
Negative aspects of
healthcare provider treatment —
Oddly the psychiatrist was
the worst aspect of transition. I was only there
because I HAD to be. I found some of his questions
very intrusive (questioned about fantasies,
masturbation etc etc) which made me feel
embarassed. He made numerous mistakes with pronouns
and the name change, one of which occurred in the
waiting room as I was waiting to be called in..
which at the time, made me feel very self conscious
and hopeless.
Other Comments
When I started I felt like
I was the only person in my Geographical
State going through this. I craved contact with
others in the same situation but could not find
anyone. I learned to work around this.
Now, years later, I do not
find I am part of the "scene" very much as I am
simply a man. I don't feel I am trans or ftm etc
etc... but I would like to provide support and
friendship for anyone starting out as I remember
how difficult it was and how I felt when I was
beginning.
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Vincent
