Parents’ reactions & experiences

Some Initial Reactions Reported By Parents

Panic
Worry about losing the person we know and love
Grief and all its stages – denial, anger, sadness, acceptance
Uncertain, unsettled, insecure
In transition of sorts ourselves
Unsure and fearful of what hurdles and problems may lie ahead
Fear that transsexualism carries stigma
Confusion between transsexualism and sexual orientation
Betrayal, and what else has my child hidden from me?
Disbelief, disappointment, shock, panic, disgust
Religious concerns, guilt, shame, embarrassment
Did I make mistakes in raising my child?
Is my child mentally ill?
Worry about medical aspects of transition – are hormones and surgery safe and effective?
Can I really accept this? Will I still be able to recognise and love my child?
What will other family members think?
What will the neighbours think?
Will my child be rejected or ridiculed by others?
Will I be strong enough to stand up to family, friends or neighbours if they react badly?
Will my child be able to keep a job?
Who will love my child?
But I wanted grandchildren…

(from sources far and wide)

Annette, Blue Mountains, Australia 2003
“My partner’s family are extremely accepting and know our situation. They have supported me in everything and helped us in all ways possible. Although you can not replace your ‘blood relatives’ you can always find a family from friends, and loved ones who support you in everything you do and accept you for who you are, allowing you to live the life that you choose.

My partner believed that if my family did discover his past and I had to choose between the two, I would resent him. I could never do such a thing. Love can overcome all odds. And to this day, I have never resented him, only thanked him for allowing me to see how precious life is through the eyes of another.”

Kev, Sydney, Australia
“My parents basically taught me that I could accept myself for who I was, not that we ever agreed about who that was…( they do try hard). Where do I draw my strength and inspiration from?…that’s a toughie, the love and support of friends and family, and the fire in my belly that won’t let me stop.

Ashley – Melbourne, Australia, 2003
“Awesome, is the only word I can think of to describe how my mum has handled it all, she’s more concerned about how my girlfriend is doing with it all. Mum never missed a beat. Overnight she went from 10 years of nagging me to grow my hair, to telling me I need a haircut because the number three I had was too long. She reckons she knew years ago and was just waiting for me to realise and do something about it, wish she had of bought it up with me back then.

My dad accepted very early on that I was never going to be his little girl, I never even came close. I don’t think he’ll ever really tell me how he feels about all this, however, without saying it I know I have his 100% support. Our relationship only really began after my brothers death, before that we didn’t really know each other that well. Since then we’ve become pretty close. We’ve spent every other weekend landscaping his front and back yards and at the end of the day, having a chat over a few beers. If I never see another sledgehammer or wheelbarrow again it won’t be too soon. Looking back over it my relationship with my dad has always been that of a father/son, not a father/daughter. Which would probably explain why not a thing between us has changed, there’s no need to change anything, it’s exactly how it should be.

I never even thought about the possibility of such a positive outcome when I began all this. I thought I knew my family well enough to gauge their reactions and responses, but how well do any of us really know our family. Guess I needed to have a bit more faith in them, being the eternal pessimist didn’t help either.”

Bernard, retired serviceman Royal Australian Air Force, Queensland, 2001
“My impressions of my son-in-law have been that he is definitely masculine in his thinking and manner. My opinion has been formed in particular by observing his interaction with my daughter, his interest, aptitude and expertise in respect to home maintenance and improvements, the manner in which he performs the role of head of the family and being a father to my grandson.

Advice To Parents

Like any other young person, your child can be a constant source of heartaches and headaches for those who love them. Like any other young person, your essential tools are:

A basic understanding of the problems that they are facing,
Lots of love and an awful lot of patience,
A shoulder to cry on,
A firm ally in their corner, and
A good sense of humour

Parents should take heart from what I have learned:

That transition can bring blessings and benefits, and fulfilment;
that things are rarely as bad as you think they are going to be;
that if you can tell your friends, and neighbours, in such a way that you appear confident and accepting, and that you think that transsexualism is the most normal thing in the world to face, then they will hopefully take their cue from you and accept it as easily;
that the world doesn’t stop turning!
that even if there is some rejection from colleagues, friends, family, etc., this can often be short-lived, and might also be compensated for by unexpected benefits in other areas;
that what takes one person a few weeks to accept may take a few years for another person to come to terms with, but the end result will be as good;
that there are laws designed to protect jobs, and
the world at large is becoming more relaxed and understanding on the subject of transsexualism.

But What Will The Neighbours Think?

Most likely they will yawn, think, “O, yes, I knew something was up!” and get on with their lives. The short but accurate answer is that it isn’t for neighbours or anyone else to veto what conditions and diseases people suffer and are treated for.

Having their own problems to worry about, neighbours do not generally care what happens behind closed doors. Nobody would dream of worrying about their neighbours’ opinions about the treatment of any other kind of medical condition: why this one, so uniquely?

Citation — Elizabeth (2004). Stand by your man (and stay sane in the process!).