Bulgaria
— Long before I even met Mr Right, I dreamt of
having a daughter (probably a subconscious extension of
my ‘Barbie’ obsession). Needless to say, I was
thrilled when my second born turned out to be a girl. Her
‘petite’-ness gave her additional doll-like
features and I delighted in changing her from one cute
outfit to the next.
Imagine my horror when a
few years later, my then-four-year-old daughter announced
out of the blue: “Mummy I want three things;
glasses, braces, and I want to be a boy”. I wrote it
off as wanting to be like her older brother and
didn’t pay much attention, but gradually it became
more and more apparent that my daughter was turning into
a tomboy. First came the refusal to wear dresses and
skirts, then the rejection of anything pink.
While some mothers
complained of the complete opposite i.e. daughters who
refuse to wear trousers, others assured me that they too
were tomboys as children and that it really wasn’t
anything more than a phase they would grow out of.
My daughter is seven now
and this is the stage we are at. She won’t wear
dresses or pink, so we have compromised that she can wear
trousers and shorts but they should be neutral in style.
If she doesn’t want ‘girlie’ then I
don’t want ‘boyish’. She can choose karate
or kick-boxing as her school activity as long as she also
joins the dance class (which she does enjoy!). In her
spare time she plays with Lego, while her Barbies (which
she did once ask for) sit untouched on the shelf. Her
favourite outdoor activities include football and
baseball, but I don’t have a problem with that.
Since her brother started growing his hair, so has she.
Ironically, her female classmates are quite envious of
her popularity with the boys at school and the ease with
which she communicates with them.
Much has been researched
and written about why girls become tomboys, the question
of nature versus nurture continues to be debated,
although a study by British researchers at City
University, London found that it may have to do with the
levels of testosterone in the mother’s body during
pregnancy. “The higher the level of maternal
testosterone, the more likely it is that girls will enjoy
activities typically considered male behaviour, like
playing with trucks or guns,” reports the study.
Maternal testosterone levels don’t appear to affect
boys’ behaviour, however, according to the study.
There is no evidence that this will ultimately lead to
children becoming gay, lesbian, transexual or anything
else.
Parents are encouraged to
provide a safe environment for exploration which will not
affect or change a child’s ultimate gender identity;
but rather, this environment will encourage the
child’s sense of personal well-being, regardless of
gender.
Tomboys usually grow up
to have strong self-esteem, because they have dared to be
different in their elementary years. Many former tomboys
grow up to be successful business women and have the
skills to cope well in a male-dominated
environment.
Generally, I feel OK
about giving my daughter enough room to develop her own
personality, even though I could scream with frustration
when I see all the lovely clothes I could be dressing her
up in! We haven’t really got to any stages yet where
I’ve felt helpless or worried that things were
getting out of control. A friend told me that she took
the “tomboy thing” so far, that she insisted on
her parents calling her by the masculine version of her
name. They obliged her and played along. Needless to say
that today there is no doubt about her sexual identity or
femininity for that matter. Ultimately, I believe this
too will be the outcome for my daughter.
However, when looking up
this subject on the internet I couldn’t help but
feel a little alarmed by some of the material I came
across. First there was an article with the headline: Is
your daughter a daydreamer, tomboy or ‘chatty
Kathy’? She may have undiagnosed Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder <http://www.addvance.com/>.
Apparently ADD or ADHD is
much harder to detect in girls, and when out of curiosity
I looked up the symptoms checklist, many of the points
could be said to apply to my daughter. The diagnosis
however should be made by a doctor. To be honest, I
really do not know much about ADD – a friend in the
UK told me that her son was diagnosed with this disorder
and after being put on medication he much improved. The
little I know about it – to me every second child
could fit the bill (it is more prevalent in boys) –
it scares me to even think about putting a child on
medication for behavioural problems. It certainly goes
against my way of thinking and I would be very reluctant
to agree to this form of treatment. My initial reaction
is that one really should not even assume tomboyish
behaviour in a girl to be anything other than what it is.
Obviously nobody in Bulgaria talks about ADD, I’m
not sure we’d even be able to get a proper diagnosis
in this country if we wanted to. There is certainly no
reference to the disorder on Bulgarian-language internet
sites.
There was I writing a
cheerful little piece about tomboys and now this! How
serious should I take the possibility of ADD and how
badly can it affect a child’s life? Some reports
claim that children who go undiagnosed, really suffer. I
guess there is a lot of reading to be done on the
internet and maybe I just have to keep a closer eye on my
daughter’s development.
Then, of course, there is
also the chance that we are dealing with a gender
identity disorder that could ultimately lead to
transsexualism!
Wow, maybe there should
be a sanity-protection warning before one starts
researching Family Matters on the internet!
I’m not denying
these disorders exist, I have recently seen several
documentaries about these and related subjects.
Statistically, the odds are higher that your child could
be transsexual than developing multiple sclerosis. So it
may well affect some of us. According to The Merck Manual
of Diagnosis and Therapy <http://www.merck.com/>:
“Transsexuals usually have had gender identity
problems in early childhood. The majority of children
with gender identity conflicts do not however develop
into adults with a gender identity disorder. Childhood
gender identity disorders are usually present by the age
of two. A child with the disorder prefers cross-dressing,
insists that he is of the other sex, intensely and
persistently desires to participate in the stereotypical
games and activities of the other sex, and has negative
feelings toward his genitalia.”
I am glad that people and
families affected by these problems can actually look for
help and support via the media or the internet.
Society can be cruel when
gender-labelling children, especially for boys who feel
they want to be girls or at least explore the more
feminine side of their nature. While most people
laughingly accept the tomboyish antics of a girl, for the
poor “sissy” there is very little understanding
even within the own family.
All I want to say to
bring this subject, which has started to get far too deep
for this column, to a close is that as a parent I have
unconditional love for my children and that all I want
for them is to go through life happy and self confident.
Whatever support they need from me along the way, I plan
to be there for them. In the case of my tomboy – who
knows, maybe before long she’ll be putting on makeup
and wearing skirts.
If not – it’s
also ok – I can always wait for a granddaughter to
dress up!
