- The Little Boy Book
Transitioning female-to-male in Australia
Stand by your Man (and stay sane in the process!)
What about the children?
IN ORDER to be of the most use to your children, you need to be content within yourself. You would be fooling yourself and cheating your children to continue in the idea that it would be better for them if you endure your misery until they grow up.
Another reason why people consider their children to be a hurdle in their way is because they think that the children will not be able to understand the situation, or that they will feel that they have ‘lost’ their mother.
It never ceases to amaze me (my own children show me this every day) how adaptable and accepting children are. They accept and embrace change far more readily than adults, and they are (usually) completely trusting of what they’re told by their parents. Of course this quality diminishes as they get older and experience betrayal, hurt, being lied to in the muted forms that they manifest themselves in children’s lives. But on the whole, a child will look to his or her parents for the ultimate word on something they’re confused about.
Before I told my children, I spent some time considering the most simple and logical way to put it to them, looking at it from their simplistic understanding of the world. I borrowed some books on the human body from the library with bright pictures in them and began by explaining to my eldest daughter (who was 5 at the time) that there are parts of us inside our body that we can’t see, but which are there and are essential to our staying alive. I particularly emphasised the importance of the brain, and we discussed how it’s the ‘home’ of your personality, where ‘you’ come from, your thoughts and dreams and feelings.
When I was happy that she understood this, I explained by encouraging her to work it out in stages by herself, that boys and girls have different brains, going back to the anatomy and linking it with the other differences between boys’ and girls’ bodies. She added to this with input from her own experiences of how boys and girls behave differently in her class at school. Then I asked her what she thought would happen if a boy’s brain was accidentally put into a girl’s body. She thought about this, and her answer (honestly) was, “That would suck!” I asked her how she thought she would feel if her brain, with all her thoughts and dreams and likes and dislikes, was in a boy’s body. This is what she replied: “I wouldn’t like that, because whenever I wanted to do the girl things that I like doing, everyone would tell me I can’t because they’d think I was a boy.” And there you have it, a five year old was able to understand in the space of half an hour, the difficulty the transsexual faces. I let her talk about this and use her imagination for a while, imagining all the things that girls and boys wouldn’t be allowed to do, and the way they’d be treated if they were in the wrong bodies. Eventually she said, “Maybe they’d have to go to the doctor to get the body changed back so it would match.” Bingo!
A few days later, I collared her again and recapped what we’d been saying before. Then I told her that the reason I had told her that, was because I have a boy’s brain and I need to change my body to match. She looked at me with a look of disbelief, as if she hadn’t quite connected the theory with the reality. Then when I assured her that it was real and not just ‘in books’, she just said, “Wow!” We talked about it for a little while, and then she started getting a bit fretful, asking what would happen to her. I assured her that nothing was going to change in her life except that she’d have two daddies. This was the perfect time to explain homosexuality to her – tolerance and understanding can never start too young!
With the background knowledge that she already had from our previous talks, she was able to easily grasp the concept that some boys love boys instead of girls, and vice versa. All the time we were keeping our feet on the ground and reiterating that she is still allowed to be herself! I had to make sure that she understood the whole time that it was still OK for her to be a girl, and to be happy to be a girl, and to ‘fancy’ boys. That it’s for every individual person to decide for themselves. So I explained that her Dad was a person who liked both boys and girls, so it wasn’t a problem for him if I ‘became’ a boy (yes I know, I’m very lucky!).
It was soon established that her Dad and I would stay together, that we’d still be a family, that she’d still be herself, and that I would be exactly the same person with a different appearance. At this point she was more than happy with the idea. She went through a list of things that she wanted to check that I’d still do “even though I’m not going to be a girl any more” – plaiting her hair, playing with her dolls with her, buying her pretty clothes, all the things a five year old girl is most concerned about. Then I asked her to go through a list of things that I would be able to do that I couldn’t before. The first thing she thought of was carrying her on my shoulders. She said, “You’ll be strong like Daddy so when he gets tired of me being on his shoulders then you can take over!” – Classic! She came up with a whole load of other advantages of my being stronger and was having real fun with the idea.
A few weeks later I thought she was happy with the idea, understanding it perfectly. But I thought it was about time it was brought a bit more close – time for the name change. She had found it great fun to come with me when I was doing all my image changes – haircut, buying the men’s clothes, wrapping up all my old women’s clothes and sending them as parcels to various MTFs I’d met at the support group. She met one of the trans women from my support group and found it amazing how she’d ‘transformed’ into a woman. The look on her face was like you’d expect if she’d seen a pixie or Santa Claus. She’d heard and been told about this amazing transformation but to see someone in the flesh who had done it, my friend Rachel (name changed here for her privacy) who as she could see was a pretty, feminine lady. Rachel even showed my daughter the last little patches of body hair that she was yet to get rid of to ‘prove’ that she’d ‘used to be a man’. My daughter thought it was great! She listened as Rachel told her all about how she’d had it done in simple child’s terms.
Later when we were at home, we went over it again, everything she’d learned. I brought up the subject of the Real Life Test, and she remembered in her own words that it was “Where you have to pretend to be a boy to prove it so the doctors will give you the magic injections.” I told her that if I had to ‘pretend to be a boy’ then she couldn’t call me Mummy, because then everyone would ‘know’. She wasn’t keen on this, but I pressed home to her the importance of it, and she became happier about it, wanting to help me. So we agreed on a new name for me that just she could use – a combination of what she already called me and my new male name – Mummy + Samuel = Sammy. Took a while for her to get used to using it, but not as long as I’d thought. After a couple of weeks she’d stopped calling me Mummy altogether. I kind of missed it for a while, but only a little while. Remembering all the step-parents and foster-parents in the world, I know you don’t have to be called Mum or Dad to be Mum or Dad.
At the end of the day, it’s not difficult really, to get a child to understand what’s going on. My daughter and I even agreed that we’d keep it a secret for a little while, I advised her not to tell her friends at school. Why? Because although we understand it all, most people don’t, and they’ll just think it’s weird and not understand. And as I explained to her, ignorant people have a habit of punishing and being cruel to the things they don’t understand.
Children are happy as long as their parents are happy. As long as they know they are wanted, loved, respected and encouraged, a child is happy. Warmth, clothing, food, love, security and stability – these are the things children need. They don’t need a stereotypically normal background or respectable, married, church-going, heterosexual parents.
Hannard, S. (2004). (2004). What about the children?
