Ten and a half months on testosterone

I SAID at the beginning that this journey would not be easy. How right was I! Yet, if it were easy chances are it wouldn’t be worth it. There have been moments I have questioned my choices and in turn myself and who I am. At first, I was scared of those questions but now I realise they’re just part of the ride. As of this month, I have been on testosterone hormone replacement for ten and a half months. So I thought I’d write an update on the changes I’ve been experiencing.

The first change I noticed was the hair on my legs started to lengthen, darken and become coarser. Before testosterone, any body hair I had was very fair and very sparse! It started on my lower legs and gradually has crept up my thighs in much the same fashion.

I think the next thing was some hair on my stomach – kind of like a happy trail which was interesting. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that at first! It took a long time for it to be visible to anyone but me. Now it seems to have taken over my entire belly and is slowly making its way up towards my chest. I have a hard time remembering what it looked like without hair now. I will be a lot happier as I start to get more and more chest hair once I have top surgery.

At about the three-month mark I distinctly remember my voice drop first. I had a cold, at least I think I did and my throat was sore and my voice was very raspy for about two weeks. After I was feeling better, my voice just never went back to the pitch it was before the cold. For about a month it constantly felt like I was trying to clear my throat and that I had to talk around something. It also felt more ‘booming’ or resonating if that makes any sense at all!

Since then I have experienced that same feeling twice more – the last being just this past month. I usually notice when my voice sounds deeper and I can definitely notice it when I am tired. Not to mention the sore throat that comes with it! But mainly I rely on friends to tell me. This is one of the changes I had mixed feeling about before starting testosterone.

I used to really enjoy singing. And well, to toot my own horn, I wasn’t entirely terrible at it either! It’s a real challenge to accept that I cannot sing the way I used to. At first it really squeaked and broke when I tried to sing and my voice would get worn out after one song. I am slowly adapting to my new register, though I know my voice is nowhere near done developing. I listen to some of the old songs I used to love singing – and can no longer sing them. It’s a little devastating as music to me is as essential as air. But I’m sure the music will return. Until then I still sing – albeit badly!

I noticed a change in muscle definition about the same time my voice first cracked. I have biceps and forearms I only imagined before! Even though at the moment I don’t workout as often as I would like, the change is obvious. I am broader across the shoulders and generally I am stronger than what I used to be. It’s awesome – and I can only imagine my potential as I start to hit the gym more and more of what I can achieve. I don’t want to look like Arnie but I’d be pretty happy to rid myself of the marshmallow man look I have at the moment!

I have noticed some subtle fat redistribution to more of a male pattern. I can feel the difference when putting on pants I used to wear. Guys carry their weight in their abdomen and less on areas like the hips and thighs. It’s not a change that is really obvious to others but from measurements I took before T and now there has been a slight shift.

The hair on my arms is only just now at ten months starting to really darken and lengthen. Facial hair has been coming along from about the four or five month mark. Once again not so visible to others but I can see it – really I can! Around my mouth and on my chin is definitely noticeable now. I shave maybe once a week – it helps to minimise the amount of oil on my face too. Facial hair was one of the changes I was really looking forward to!

Which brings me to the one thing I really hate about being on T – Acne. Mine is not too bad. It only seems to appear on my jawline and neck – so my face generally has remained spot free. I have also been lucky to avoid any spots on my back or chest. There are guys out there who get acne really bad once on hormones. There are a few other less appealing changes that occur once on T, I won’t go into detail but for example I notice I sweat more and it smells different than before. This is all part of the ride and I’m enjoying everything that comes my way – even if it is some more than others!

My parents and siblings, extended family and close friends are all still so amazing and supportive. There are still the occasional slip-ups on pronouns but everyone has ‘Jay’ down pat – it’s very funny for me to hear my birth name now! It’s usually my parents who slip with that one! I don’t think there is anyone purposely forgets to call me ‘he’ or ‘Jay’. I think it’s just that people forget and in the case of where people have known me for many years – it’s habitual!

When slip ups happen just around me and/or other people who know about my past I don’t get too bothered. It’s only around people who don’t know me or where I have come from that I get a little upset. I don’t get emotional or draw attention to it and usually just continue without acknowledging it. But it makes me feel like ‘oh now I have to explain it to someone else’. I don’t ‘out’ myself to everyone I meet. Not everyone on the street or my clients at work need to know when I was born the doctor handed my parents a bouncing baby ‘girl’ – especially given the man standing in front of them.

I am all for educating people though. I have had friends and work colleagues ask me many questions about the process – none of them hurtful – just genuine interest and curiosity, without making me feel like the science experiment! While the physical changes are amazing, it’s the emotional ones that have occurred which are just as paramount.

I notice I am more confident as I am happier with the way the world relates to me, the way I relate to the world and the way I am treated. There are new expectations that have been put on me. Now I’m expected to lift the heavy end of things if helping a friend move furniture. Or now I’m expected to know about things like cars and motors. Society’s expectations of a man are interesting to be subjected to, especially having been somewhat exempt.

Male etiquette is very interesting to learn too. Smiling at other men is apparently a bit of a no-no. You nod. Maybe. I’ve noticed it can make women nervous sometimes if I smile at them, like they’re wondering what I’m thinking or if I’m a threat? Same for mothers if I smile at their children. I used to do that and get their whole life story – not anymore. It’s more of a ‘what are you up to’ look. I am not saying that this is always the case, merely an observation I’ve made having the past I’ve had. I would hope most of the time people would just assume I’m a happy guy!

It’s nice to finally feel happy and content in the skin I’m in. I am getting happier with my appearance and once I have the surgeries I hope to have next year, that confidence and self-esteem will soar even higher. It is nice to feel in control of my emotions too. I think the last time I cried was in April this year and there were many crappy things going on at that time. It took a lot to have my eyes well up then it was over after a few moments. Nothing like it used to be if I felt emotional, like someone had turned on a tap!

Once I have things in order, like surgery, I’ll be able to change my birth certificate, passport and Medicare – all to reflect my correct sex. Not to mention my driver’s license and health insurance. That’s not including all the things I’ve already changed – bank accounts, work documents, car and house insurance, car registration, phone and internet accounts etc. I didn’t realise how many things I would have to change!

I have put up videos on my youtube channel all along the way during this process if people are interested to see as I change. In amongst the next few will be my one year on testosterone video – I have been editing it lately and will include photos from when I was a child to now and also a voice comparison video so be sure to check those out towards the end of November if you’re interested. It has been an amazing ten and a half months to date and can only imagine what else there is to come.

Jay – Townsville 2010

page updated 9 January 2010