Video Page

No longer caught between

I USED to feel that I was caught between genders. Now, looking back, I realise, that for me, this was because everyone in my life (save a few) were very attached to me as a female bodied person. Now, six months into hormone therapy, and two years plus, on the mental path of transition, I realise that my reservations were due to other people’s perceptions of me.

It took me a long time, about 18 months, to be confident in taking testosterone. This was because I knew that other people in my life were not ready for it. Looking back, I realise that I was ready in myself for a long time before that, but I held too much of my decision based on where people close to me were.

Retrospectively I was different from other “girls” long long ago. Joel was my birth middle name and I can remember getting some friends to call me that when I was around the age of 10. However, I only really “got” the concept of transsexualism when I was 18/19.

I used to identify as transgender for a while. As I felt that it was more inclusive. Like Jack [NZ Jack] said, a lot of people use it as more of an umbrella term. Now, I prefer transsexual, as it’s a more accurate term to describe my situation. Because for me, I feel that I was born with a birth defect. I was given another x chromosome instead of a y. Although, I primarily identify as male.

I was ready for chest surgery as soon as I realised that it was an option. I never ever ever wanted to have breasts and I didn’t feel that this is a determinant of gender/sex, as there are many flat chested women out there.

As most of my reservations about transition were based on other people’s perceptions, I felt that my having or not having breasts was none of their business. Of course, since I have turned my feelings towards what I want and who I am, I view things a little differently. I’m very happy to say that my chest surgery date is exactly one calendar month away now.

I’m not sure if that helps, but it’s my experience. I will also add, that very early on in my “transition” I was adamant that I would be “out”, but now I feel that how I was born is no one’s business, unless I want it to be.

Joel, New Zealand