- The Little Boy Book
Transitioning female-to-male in Australia
Stand by your Man (and stay sane in the process!)
Epiphany lost
IT REALLY bothers me that I can’t remember the exact moment when (and the exact reasons why) I decided to affirm my masculine identity. Sure, I saw myself as a boy when I was a kid and was devastated when female puberty hit. Yeah, I talked about what-ifs and maybe’s with a long-term partner I had until a few years ago. But I don’t actually recall what made me wake up one morning and tell my GP that I’d had enough, that something just has to be done about the mental and physical problems I’ve been experiencing since forever. The next thing I knew I had in my hand a referral to the local endocrinologist. My head was spinning with the possibilities.
Then I started dating someone else, so the referral sat in my top drawer while the new relationship sorted itself out. I didn’t tell this new girlfriend about my gender issues. Ironically, we were out at a local club one night and several male patrons we met assumed that I was male too. I thought it was great but my girlfriend wasn’t impressed at all. She said if I looked like a guy she wouldn’t be going out with me because she likes women. She added that in her opinion, I didn’t look or sound like a bloke anyway. Obviously we didn’t last long together. A day or two after we split up I booked in to see the endo. No more procrastinations, no more ignoring or avoiding major issues. No more indecisions.
Now it’s two years later and I’m in the next phase of transition – preparing for surgery. At least I know which operations I want and why I choose them.
I suppose it’s not possible to remember every step you take on every journey you make in life. It just shits me that my breakthrough epiphany – the “aha” moment, the instant I knew what was wrong and worked out how to fix it – is lost in the ether of time and space. Oh well. I feel that I am walking the right path, step by step drawing closer to the ultimate destination of the real me. That’s what counts now.
Even if you can’t recall each and every moment of your gender travels, at least you can remember to enjoy the ride. “The journey is just as important as the destination.”
Bugsy (2004). Epiphany Lost. Torque, 4(6), 1 & 4.
