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Belonging

THERE are some times in your life when you just don’t feel like you belong. Maybe you moved house as a kid and changed schools, or tried a new sport but just couldn’t fit in to the existing group dynamics, or perhaps you look around now and just don’t feel like you ‘fit’.

For me I had a lot of trouble when I was younger feeling like I belonged. Not just externally, at school or in the wider community, but internally. I felt uneasy in myself and feeling like this is not unusual for guys like me.

Before transitioning I had tried hard to fade into the background. I avoided socialising outside of my group of friends and didn’t particularly like dealing with the wider public. I felt that interactions were distorted by prejudice; they saw me as a butch dyke, out of synch and I just felt like I was living life through the cracks; living ‘in-between’. Not really getting to ‘be’ me.

For a lot of guys I meet, transitioning opens up the doorway to a new experience of belonging. Not only belonging in your body but the unfolding process of finding your feet as a guy in society, standing tall and taking your place proudly.

This also brings up new aspects of being in the world and living your life. The rules and codes of manhood are often unspoken and this throws up new challenges to navigate. Ever had your boss talk to you when he’s having a piss?? How’s that for uncharted territory!

Watching guys grow into themselves I often see the same transformations for them just as what happened for me. Amazing change in confidence, gains in self-respect and courage, and cheeky wide grins are all characteristic changes I see tied in with an incredible desire to get out there and explore the world, a world that views them through fresh eyes.

It’s this explosion of vitality and the unlocking of true potential that keeps me meeting new guys who want to take the same journey as I have. It’s a real honour to show them how life can be and say “Mate, I know things are tough and you might be feeling like you’re in no-mans-land right now but you’re ok. You belong. Just take a deep breath. You’ll be just fine” and to reassure them, almost prove, that over time things can really change.

These are the times that remind you how much you do belong. So maybe for me the journey had a few bumps or losses, perhaps for you it was a smooth ride. Transitioning opened up my life to unseen opportunities and new paths like I had never imagined possible and the lack of belonging or fitting in simply faded into nothingness. It’s an experience of growing into your self that can be rather rewarding.

For many, waking up to find your self is even sweeter.

Alex B (2007) Belong, Torque, Vol 7(3).