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Beginning the journey

A LITTLE thought that sums up what made the difference for me:

Journeys begin when the pain of not growing becomes greater than the pain of growing.

Transitioning has been described by some (often not the one doing the transitioning themselves), as a supremely selfish act. And yes, in some respects it is.

It’s making a decision about yourself, for yourself, that a lot of people cannot and/or will not understand. It can alienate and be the cause of rejection. That’s something we have all had to take into account.

It makes a monumental difference to how one moves in the world and how others interact with us. It also changes how others look at us sexually. This can be a source of great anxiety if previous, current or potential partners are people who are attracted to a variety of female body, which by transitioning, we are saying we’re not.

While the people around us and the community to which we feel we belong are important, it comes down to how happy or not one is with the way things are and weighing one’s options from that. First and foremost it’s about you – each of us has to be able to live with ourselves.

Even low doses of testosterone have an impact on the outward appearance of the body and on the limbic system. The effect it will have is the effect it will have – we don’t get to pick and choose what or how much change occurs.

As a personal comment on fears of changes being too fast and too dramatic, I’ve been on a “full dose” of testosterone for about 9 months now and my body has only recently started showing effects that other people are noticing. It definitely doesn’t happen overnight!

Testosterone has its own agenda when introduced to a body, and in that regard it’s probably a better idea to get advice from an endocrinologist rather than relying on “folk wisdom”.

I’m not going to preach about techniques of transitioning or choice of hormone therapy. I guess it all boils down to doing as much reflection and research as humanly possible and you feel you need to make the choice. AND not to get pressured one way or the other – either by medical practitioners or by communities you move in.

Ultimately it’s you who has to live with it…there’s no rush. The door will still be there if and when you decide to walk through it.

Blade (2003). Beginning the Journey, Torque, 3(5).