A gender journey

MANY of my friends called me transgendered, given that I presented in such a masculine fashion. This label I simply chuckled off and would tell them that I was very happy being a simple butch lesbian. Yet, I loved every time I was taken for male. I loved the horrified faces of women when I entered the women’s toilets and the expressions of clerks after they called me “sir” and then heard my female voice. I even thrived on the looks and stares from people as I walked through society as they pondered what gender I might be.

For years and years I studied and watched the FtM world wishing I had the courage to transition. In my own privacy I would paint beards and moustaches on my face and flatten my chest with bindings. I even went so far as to purchase ‘packies’ which I wore only in private or on ‘special’ lesbian occasions. I practiced trying to keep my voice at a very low octave. I had convinced myself that being the gender blunder I presented was enough for me and the ‘fetish’ I had with masculinity was just that, an odd little fetish.

Then I met my current partner. Life began to change the minute I laid eyes on her. After about a month of being in her company, she completely floored me when she asked in such an innocent and serious manner, “So, what are you going to do about your transition?” I was stunned. I hadn’t even spoken to her about my gender, my Butch-ness, my hidden desire to masculinize with hormones and have chest surgery or anything of that nature. I suddenly became, for the very first time, keenly aware of my obvious masculinity in my obvious female body and I was embarrassed. Her ability to see into my soul was frightening. In my blown away state I could only stare at her and ask very humbly, “What do you mean?” The conversation, which ensued, gave me the most liberating moments of my life.

Two weeks later I sat in a doctor’s office explaining to her what I desired; to transition into masculinity. My partner sat there next to me, her head held high and her smile bright and proud. Another first happened to me that day. I stepped out of my butch shell and became the person I always knew I was; masculine. I was a ‘guy’ and soon would physically resemble that! Cloud nine was mine!

Lincoln (2003).A gender journey, Torque

page updated 27 December 2010