Jacob Rogers greets you with a
handshake - rough hands, square fingers, strong
grip and L-O-V-E tattooed on his knuckles.
Earrings glint in one ear, beefy biceps bulge
under his shirtsleeves.
But this macho-looking Sydney man gave birth
18 years ago, to a daughter who now calls him
Dad.
Jacob is a female-to-male transsexual, or
trans-genderist, as he prefers to be called -
one of less than 30 in Australia. Aged 37, he
lived as a woman until two years ago, when he
began hormone therapy to start his change to
manhood.
The physical alterations were dramatic -
within months, Jacob lost hair on his head and
grew it on his face. His voice deepened and his
developed stockier shoulders and slimmer
hips.
"I used to be able to
sing along with Barbara Streisand but I don't
try now," Jacob says with a grin. "I think I
went from a high alto to a second
bass!"
Unlike female-to-male transsexuals, where
tell-tale masculine traits point to their gender
change, Jacob is entirely unrecognisable as a
woman. Only two scars across his chest remain of
his former breasts. Fortnightly injections of
testosterone are causing his ovaries to atrophy.
Even "real" men, in a pub or a gym, can't
tell.
"I'm just perceived as
male," Jacob smiles. "They naturally think I'm a
little guy, a little but solid guy. If they
wanted to pick a fight with me it would be
because I'm short or I'm older than them; it's
not because they know me to be
otherwise."
"Female to male
trans-genderists fit into a slightly different
category of male. We're not your typical male.
We have female-ness about us in the way we've
been brought up and the way we've more sensitive
to women."
Childhood photographs of Jacob show a smiling
cutie in a dress. The few remaining snapshots of
him as a woman show a short-haired, attractive
female. But while Jacob's early heterosexual
experiences resulted in his daughter's birth -
when Jacob was 19 - by 21 he had begun to
change.
Within a few years, he began to explore more
masculine aspects of his nature - working out in
a gym to disguise his femininity.
"I started when I was
25 on the misguided illusion that I was just
building my muscles up. I can only see in
retrospect that I really wanted to do
more."
Life may have been simpler and far less
physically painful for Jacob to have remained a
female. In 1992 he chose the tougher path -
living as a man before receiving approval to
trans-gender.
"I'd lived being very
butch, but at the point of making the decision
to trans-gender I started strapping the breasts
down and wearing what else you need to wear."
The approval itself was easily gained - Jacob's
GP referred him to an endocrinologist for
assessment and a testosterone
prescription.
"At first you see a
little bit of male-nesss but you also see a lot
of female-ness. Then - bang! - you wake up one
day and all of a sudden you're a male." "The
hormones do increase the libido in my case. It's
actually like going through puberty - male
puberty. "
Jacob also experienced an alarming
side-effect - with testosterone came increased
aggression.
"Being raised as a
female you don't know how to deal with this
aggression. I used to get upset because I'd be
angry and I'd be angry because I was upset. It
took me a while to realise what was
happening."
A plastic and reconstructive technician
performed the breast surgery - only slightly
less severe than a radical mastectomy -
requiring more than 90 percent of his breast
tissue to be removed. The nipples stayed intact.
Jacob is still getting used to that breast-free
sensation - reflexively reaching for the
now-unnecessary strapping when there's a knock
at the door.
"It's ecstasy in a
sense, because after strapping down and after
having a child I was average-sized - I hadn't
worn a bra since I was 21, but I think I was
about a 34B. "If you're content with who you are
then surgery's just cosmetic and comfort.
Jacob's next surgical procedure will be an
operation to remove the uterus and ovaries,
which produce the female hormone oestrogen. The
surgery will leave him incapacitated for more
than three months.
Further trans-gender surgery to create a
penis is still medical frontier territory. It's
a gamble Jacob is not yet willing to take - and
he believes life can be sexually fulfilling
without it.
"We're guinea pigs at
the moment and I'm not prepared to be a guinea
pig," he says.
"It's not the be all
and end all. You can make do with what you have
or what you can buy or make. I think the rest of
my life I could be quite content to just make do
as things are now. "People think you've got to
have a penis to be male. It's not so. It's how
you perceive yourself and all that is within
your own head that matters about whether you're
male or female. It's not what you do or don't
have done to your body that makes you male or
female."
The lack of a penis does not bother his
36-year-old girlfriend Marie. They met when
Jacob was still a woman, just weeks before he
made his life-altering decision.
"I thought he was she,
because I'm attracted to butch women," Marie
says. "At first I couldn't get the concept of it
in my head. I think we're too used to
classifying people as female or male to try and
cope with the concept of anyone who's not quite
either."
Marie, who won't be photographed because her
family doesn't know about Jacob's past, is in a
unique position to monitor his physical and
emotional changes and support him.
"People always ask how
I relate to him, if he's male or female. I don't
see him as a man. But he's not a
woman."
The other significant woman in Jacob's life
is his daughter. She is not in contact with her
natural father and if she ever has children of
her own, Jacob fully expects to be called
grandad. He speaks of her acceptance with
pride.
"It's been a real
experience having a child…never a mistake,"
he says.
"Initially I was mum,
and then she said to me, 'What will I call you?'
So I just said, 'Use my name'. Now all of a
sudden it's dad. It felt uncomfortable with that
at first, I wasn't her did. I still don't
perceive myself as her dad. I'm her parent,
which is something I've always been." "I've rung
up her school and they've said, 'You don't sound
like her parent to me,' and I said, 'If you knew
our circumstances you'd know that I am!"
