Affection, touch, connection, belonging
are all important to our physical and emotional
survival and wellbeing – as children and as
adults. It makes intuitive sense that we need
safety, love and care to grow; and there’s
lots of research evidence to back that up.
As infants and children, our life depends on
the care and comfort of loving parents or adults
– without it, our capacity to grow and
develop is limited. As we get older, our needs
change and our ability to self care grows. Even
so, we still need a sense of connection or
belonging.
As adults, we can get our need for love,
touch or connection in a number of ways. Some
people have a strong link with their family,
others invest in their work, some share their
life with a partner(s), and others have a much
treasured animal. Other adults may get a sense
of belonging through team or competitive sport
or other physical activity; a creative passion
such as drawing or writing; and others may have
a religious or spiritual belief and practice
that brings a sense of connection.
People growing up with a sense of being
‘different’ (such as being transgender
or having a homosexual or bisexual orientation),
can sometimes feel separated, removed, or
disconnected from others, even from those they
love. For some, it can be like no one really
knows the real them, so they cannot really trust
the love and care of others. This creates a
sense of isolation and can also add to low self
esteem.
Being isolated – physically or
emotionally – is not generally good for our
mental health. Transgender support groups
provide access to information, they also provide
an opportunity to decrease isolation and create
a sense of belonging, a community.
Same but different…
Over the years in my clinical work, I have
heard transgender people and their significant
others wish and long for a sense of connection
with others - ‘others like me’. Some
have taken the courageous step of making contact
with a support group or attending meetings and
found welcome, information, comfort and a sense
of connection at some level. Others have not
found someone just like them or someone they can
relate to. This is not surprising given the
diversity of transgender people.
At the risk of sounding cliché, each
person’s experience of transgender or
transsexualism is their own. Having gender
identity in common doesn’t automatically
create a link between people or a sense of
community (just as sharing any other
characteristic or quality doesn’t create a
sense of belonging).
I usually encourage people to be aware of
their expectations when meeting others… and
to expect to find similarities AND differences.
With the combination of same and different,
there is the potential to have stimulating and
affirming communication and a sense of
belonging.
Thankfully, today, there are a number of
options we all have to create connections.
Families, communities and a sense of belonging
come in all shapes and sizes. However you find
or create it, we all need a place to be and a
sense of belonging. If you are feeling separate
from the world, disconnected or without a sense
of place, I encourage you to seek support. If
you are feeling comfortable and supported in
your place in the world, you might like to
extend a hello or offer support to others.
Get involved & get connected.
Vikki Sinnott
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Vikki Sinnott is a psychologist in private
practice in Melbourne who has an interest in
gender and has worked with gender variant people
of all ages, their partners and families for
over 15 years.
