I’VE LIVED 27 LONG YEARS and have
to admit to only really feeling alive this year
since about 14 years old.
Childhood
As a kid I was a typical tomboy who refused
to wear dresses, hated my hair and was mates
with all of the other boys in the street. My two
sisters used me as the scapegoat often to a
point where I really didn't want to live with
any of them anymore.
My parents split when I was seven... I went
with mum and ended up seriously angry at my Dad
for leaving me with her. I grew up quick and got
my first job at 11 to help ends meet at home.
In Disguise
I turned a corner when I came out as a
lesbian at 19 and joined the Army that same
year. Looking back now I think I was more apt to
being a soldier than a lesbian!
The majority of time I wore the standard
camouflage uniform and had jobs that guys had...
I was (more) disguised from being a girl for the
first time in my life and thrived in this
environment. I served for six years deploying
overseas frequently.
When I left the army two years ago everything
I had felt comfortable with and all of the ways
that I'd used to validate my feelings on the
inside vanished with the arrival of my discharge
papers.
I moved out of Canberra to Melbourne and went
to uni to quickly complete a degree in
Communication Design. It was then that I really
started to get to know myself again for the
first time ever I think. At uni gender was not
the most important thing... That was something
I'd not experienced before.
Most people could not have cared if you
turned up with red and blue polka dot skin -
that's creative types for you - and it took me
12 months to settle in to being a civi and a
student. I started my business at the same time
as uni and remember talking to mates in Canberra
saying how you could be anyone in Melbourne. I
felt relived to not have to be anyone in
particular.
I loved the anonymity of this large
challenging city. Realising that I wasn't going
to bump into anybody I knew every couple of days
gave me permission to start asking myself
questions. I was struggling to deal with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder after some seriously
disturbing weeks on a deployment with the army
and became very depressed despite the business
succeeding and uni going well.
I sat on my floor one night and cried my
heart out asking why I hated myself. Why did I
feel so lost... WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE ME! Well
let me tell you, it struck me like a hammer on
the brain... I did not know who 'me' wanted to
be. I only knew what everyone else thought I was
and that I wasn't really engaged in my life at
all. I looked back and saw so many times when I
just walked beside the life I was having with no
connection to it.
Who am I?
It took months of exploring my past, asking
questions like why can't I remember puberty? Why
did I hate my mum so much? Why does everybody
think I'm going to wear a dress to my sisters
wedding? for fuck sake what do they think I am -
a girl????
I went on a roller coaster of anger at myself
before I looked to the internet for an
explanation. I typed 'gender' into Google and
learnt that sexuality and gender were different.
Already I felt better and then I came across the
various Gender Centre websites... followed their
links and my world started to make sense.
I found FTM Australia and read the stories in
the library. The sense of relief I had while
reading those stories was the most extraordinary
feeling I've had to this day. The stories
sounded like mine, the definitions of
transgender and transsexual were easy for me to
distinguish between and I just felt 'home' in
the real, conscious way that life should feel
like.
Up until that day I did not know that it was
possible for a girl to feel like a boy in the
wrong body. I knew of MTFs but not of FTMs. I
was so excited, scared and alive all at once!
I went to my brilliant counsellor for PTSD
and mentioned my discoveries on transsexualism.
She encouraged more research and more time to
think about everything as we were in the guts of
dealing with the fall out of PTSD.
I am so grateful she gave me permission to
take things slowly and think my way through
things. I'm not sure she'd have thought the
outcome would lead to more acceptance of my
transsexualism but without that time I may have
run away from it and not faced it head on.
The question
I asked myself one very important question -
this question has set the path of course to
begin the transition process - I asked myself IF
I was trying to reinvent myself because I did
not like where I was going or what I'd been in
the past. Was I using transsexualism as my
scapegoat?
Although I mulled that question over every
which way I knew how, as soon as I asked myself
I knew that I was not reinventing myself at all!
There are many other ways to reinvent
oneself...Who would want to do it this way, it
is a path of risk and rejection for so many. I
do not want to forget my past or claim that I
did it any other way.
I do not want to be something I'm not in the
future either and I knew that no amount of
outward appearance change would, for want of a
better term, 'reboot' my life.
My answer is that I am only asking to accept
myself and enjoy my life and body. I don't want
to feel guilty or 'wrong' anymore.
I want to wear pants to my own wedding one
day with a flat chest under a wicked shirt that
my nieces and nephews can put their grubby hands
all over because they love their uncle so much.
So I've since met some guys face to face from
the OzGuys list to get a 'real life'
perspective. The internet is only one part of
many ways to engage in the trans community for
research.
The tellings
I've been to a couple of gender specialists
and talked to an Endo. I've told my partner,
most of my friends and one very special client
that could love a mole on a camels lip to test
the waters but I am really scared about telling
the family.
I have told my sisters I was exploring gender
issues with a counsellor but I’ve not
talked about what that means. I feel pretty bad
about not telling them everything but I think
I'll be helping them in the long run to be sure
and supported with some info that will help them
rather than just blurting it out. The time to
tell them is getting closer and I struggle to
keep my mouth shut. I have to remember that I
might be the only one who actually thinks this
is a good idea!
Where to now? for a while there I felt I had
to be perfect for anyone to love me if I was
going to transition. I thought I had to have all
of the answers too, but these days I feel that
my only responsibility to others is to be true
to myself in all areas not just gender. Any
issues they may have after that are really not
about me but themselves.
'Lesbian' Costume
I never really felt comfortable with being 'a
lesbian'... I accepted it because I thought
there was no other way to be with a woman, given
my body.
Many times I've been in a room full of my
friend’s partners, all staunch lesbians,
but I felt like I was in costume or something. I
didn't really relate to them much in terms of
their relationships. I didn't like being the
'butch' one.
I saw myself as a kind, strong caring partner
who loved to do the outside work and let my girl
cuddle into me on the couch. I preferred not to
hang around with lesbians and a quick look at
the friends I keep is a clear indication that I
don't relate well to lesbian relationships.
Finding what Fits
I am more comfortable now. I happily express
myself to my partner without fear that I'm
'being butch'. My partner likes being the lady
about the house and I like that. She likes
giving me hell because I keep walking cut grass
through the house and I like grovelling and
apologising for it.Our sex life has stayed the
same... she is not so much the lady in bed ;) We
are by no means vanilla - if it works... use it!
My girlfriend is struggles with this trans
stuff because she likes other people to see her
as being lesbian... She doesn't want to identify
as a straight woman or as the 'partner of the
trans guy'.
I don't blame her and will have to ride her
wave of identity with her as long as she chooses
to stick around. Honestly I think we are both
more comfortable with each other now. It is
really how others see us that makes things a
little bit difficult. It has been hard to accept
that my identity affects hers so much.
Identity
As we grow up, work different jobs, have
different friends and all that goes with having
families, religion, hobbies etc... our identity
largely remains a fluid form. We are kind to
ourselves and adjust our perspective on
ourselves as we change hairstyles, get tattoos
or struggle with living healthy lifestyles.
That is all good, but, there seems to be a
road that diverges in the woods on the big
things like sexuality or gender. You realise
what you 'are' (and declare 'I am......') and
you either feel at home right away and the
domino effect begins where you take the first
steps toward acceptance then everything else you
need to compete your identity just follows OR
you freak-out and walk down the path of denial
or fear (an identity in itself to be the
victim...).
Now, correct me if I'm wrong and this is my
personal opinion but, is it fair to say that
anyone can develop an identity. Any identity
could fit if you believe in it enough.
The Army provides you with an identity.
Defining your sexuality provides identity.
Gender provides identity. If you are removed
from those things we automatically seem to seek
it out some box to fit into again.
We can't help but put ourselves and others in
a box. These days I prefer to look at values
rather than identity as a way to define myself
or others I encounter.
I feel great about myself these days. I have
found my identity by building my values system.
I don't want to spend time trying to fit into a
mould that does not exist because if it does it
will only do so for a short time in this
evolutionary process.
Some of my Values
I have noticed that I feel more open and
honest. I continue to be more proactive in my
life. There is a comfort within myself that is
stable even when I'm overwhelmed by the process
of deciding to transition. I just feel like it
is all worth it because I am home.
The practical changes are not as apparent. I
suppose I am just more open as I said before but
in terms of day to day routine I'd say no huge
changes just yet. I seem to be doing the same
things I was always doing except I am trying to
be healthier. I want my body to last longer
now.
I get more nervous with people that know. I
worry that they are looking at me going 'doesn't
look like a man to me?' which is true I don't! I
am more considerate and patient with people now.
It has been nice to discover that I've stopped
comparing myself to others all of a sudden. I am
happier and people are liking me more.
I hope I continue to believe in myself as I
get the curve balls down my side of the
field...
