It's never easy when you're
uncomfortable in your own skin, when you feel
trapped inside a body that doesn't reflect who
you are inside. After seventeen years, I've come
to realize that feeling all too well.
My journey began at the young age of five
years old. I had just started school, everything
was new and exciting. Apart from of course the
skirt my mum forced me to wear everyday. I used
to take it off and run around in the see-through
under shorts I wore underneath the skirt. I was
always being scolded by my mum for not wearing
it, but it just didn't feel right.
Throughout my Primary school years, I made
friends with mostly boys. I felt comfortable
around them, I always have. We would play
marbles, get into teams and have a ''war'', I
just ran amuck in my t-shirt and shorts without
a care in the world. Back then I was just one of
the guys, if only it could have stayed that way.
The first time I got up the courage to cut my
hair short was when I was ten. At around eight
years old I used to complain about my long hair.
I remember my dad threatening to cut it all off,
I would cry and tell him that I didn't want my
hair cut, but inside that's all that I wanted. I
guess I was just too afraid to do it. So there I
was sitting at the hair dressers telling her
that I wanted it shaved short around the sides
and back, and cut short on top. Walking home
that day I felt free, I felt more myself. My dad
said he didn't recognise me when I walked up the
driveway, he thought I was just some boy.
I've cut my hair that way ever since.
Intermediate was a very tough realisation
time for me. When I was young I used to use the
boys toilets, and no one would care. But it
seemed now if I even set foot in the wrong
toilets I would be teased and ridiculed. The
gender division was pretty clear, and I didn't
like it. Sometimes in Physical education they
would split the class up into two teams, one
team girls, the other boys. I forged notes to
get out of Physical education, and quickly
isolated myself from everyone. I felt very
confused, and trapped. It was hard enough
figuring out who I was, let alone being beaten
up and bullied. It was around that time that I
was also starting to realize that I really liked
girls, sure I had, had some little crushes on
girls in Primary school, but nothing this
intense. And that scared the living hell out of
me.
After that I forced myself to believe I was
just a butch lesbian, that I was a girl. I knew
that people still wouldn't think I was normal,
but at least this way I would be a little less
abnormal. It worked for a little while, but deep
down I knew I couldn't hide the truth from
myself forever.
I left High school in my second year, to be
home schooled. I just wasn't coping. Gender
specific uniforms, teasing, bullying, It was
just like Intermediate all over again. Not
something I particularly wanted to relive. I was
also having a hard time with puberty. My body
was changing me into a young woman and not into
a young man like I wanted to be. I would stare
at the men on television and hate them for
having the body I so desperately wanted. I
cannot describe how horrible and wrong the whole
thing made me feel.
Now after twelve years I finally accept it. I
am a guy, I always have been, and always will
be. Throughout my whole life my family have said
to me that I should have been a boy, they were
absolutely right. And now I want to do something
about it, I want to make it happen. But first I
have to let it all out; I don't want to keep it
a secret anymore. Once it's out in the open I
won't have anything left to hide, I can start my
transition. One day my body will reflect who I
am inside, and I will feel comfortable in my own
skin. And when that day comes, I'm and going to
be one happy man!
