THIS
BOOK is subtitled ‘My hormonal and Social
Transformation from Female to Male’. It
deals primarily with the effects of hormones
rather than surgery, which, for Valerio, came
six years after he first began hormone
treatment.
This is one man’s opinion and
observations based on his personal experiences.
His style is blunt and some of his conclusions,
particularly in relation to men and women, are
potentially offensive.
It is, however, interesting not only for its
autobiographical value but for its descriptions
of the changes that take place as a result of
the hormones. Valerio is in constant wonder at
the transforming power of testosterone.
He details his transformation from the time
he first begins taking testosterone and
documents the changes to both his body and how
those around him relate to him as a man.
Physical changes such as voice deepening,
greater muscle mass and changes to hair and skin
are met with wonder and delight as people start
to see him as a male with the help of other
passive measures such as chest binding and
penile prosthetics.
He talks about the women he meets and how
people treat him in his job at a call centre, a
job he took to raise money for his chest
surgery. It is in these discussions about women
that some may find offensive.
He also tends to stereotype men as being wild
beasts driven by their hormones and at one stage
makes the extraordinary claim that he thinks
it’s a wonder that men don’t rape more
often.
Several chapters are dedicated to the issue
of increased libido and an overall greater
sexual awareness. He details various visits to
strip clubs and porn shops.
It may sound sleazy and at times it is but
these chapters are interesting and important
because they may help answer questions for other
men about their own sexuality and sexual
responses to taking testosterone. Questions they
may be afraid to ask others. Valerio also
includes the observations and experiences of
other transsexual men he knows, gay and
straight, who identified differently prior to
taking testosterone.
Some readers may find this book and its
author confronting but it is well written and
accessible and certainly worth reading,
particularly for those in the early stages of
transition.
ISBN: 1-58005-173-1
Hardcover: 280 pages
Except
“My gestures have
“become more male.” Although I’m
contemplating the nuances and subtle cues of
maleness and femaleness as never before,
I’m surprised by this assessment. I’m
not deliberately trying to alter my gestures.
That would be cheating. I wasn’t aware that
the way I was moving seemed differently.
Apparently, even before I sat in this chair,
steeled with anticipation, a process of letting
go of any effort to conceal my sense of male
identity was well under way.
I have also felt an
overall sense of relief. “I’m going
from female to male,” I declare to a
bewildered Dr Argopolis. Peering at the wispy
dark hairs stranded atop his shiny balding head,
I worry about whether this doctor has much
experience ewith female to male transsexuals
(FTMs).
“Are you sure you
want to do this?” Dr Argopolis asks.
In my hand I clutch a
letter from my counsellor, Joanne. The necessary
“hormone letter.” My passport to this
office, to a physical examination, an initial
shot, and a prescription for testosterone.
I’d gotten that letter, earned it in a way,
after seeing Joanne for three months. That was
the minimum requirement. She determined I
wasn’t psychotic, that I understood the
process of “sex reassignment,” that I
was aware of the risks and understood what I
could and could not realisitically expect from
testosterone treatment and, eventually, surgery.
Dr Argopolis asks to
see my California driver’s license. I hand
him my California state ID card, which I’ve
already changed to my new name, Maximilian Wolf
Valerio. He eyes the picture and name for a long
time before glancing up over the top of his
glasses to announce, “Maximilian. That is a
very masculine name.”
“Uh,
yeah…” I notice how much I’m
smiling and nodding. Walking the line. I
don’t want to say anything that’ll
make him decide not to treat me. The fact that I
changed my name on my ID should be proof of my
commitment to a male life, a certificate of
sincerity.
“You will grow
hair,” he points out, gesturing toward his
chin.
“Yes, I know
– just as long as I don’t lose
it,” I quip.
I knew what I was
getting into.
I check Dr Argopolis
out with a dubious eye. Is this guy a quack? I
glance around the room. There is a
certificate... He isn’t an endocrinologist,
but I can see he is at least a doctor. I’d
heard that genuine endocrinologists charged
three times as much. These specialists ran test
after test, and sometimes put you through a
six-week waiting period just to test your nerve.
All that felt like a game. I know what I want
and I’m anxious to get on with it. Through
reading and talking with transsexual men who are
further along, I understand the parameters of
hormone treatment. I’m aware of the risks.
From the beginning, I
had strategized to accomplish my transition as
expediently and as cheaply as possible.
Initially, I had gone to a therapist at a gender
centre who had peered at me skeptically and
asked why I couldn’t just remain a lesbian.
That prospect of having to explain this tired
fact to him for six months to a year was simply
too expensive and time-consuming.
I opted for Joanne, a
transwoman counsellor, who was supportive and
discerning and didn’t pretend to be
sceptical simply to give me a hard time.
Otherwise, I felt as though I would be trying to
game the therapist to get what I wanted. With
Joanne, I could be honest and expect her to
follow through appropriately and not waste my
time or money. I could also get supportive
feedback that I could trust from someone who had
been through transition.
Dr Argopolis feels my
liver to see if it’s swollen, placing a
hand just below my rib cage and squeezing. He
weighs me, asks a few questions relating to my
general health. My blood pressure, low as usual.
“Do you feel faint if you get up
suddenly?”
I laugh and say,
“No, not usually…”
“Well, it’s
okay, but it is very low.” Resting heart
rate also low, everything’s fine. Next is a
liver panel to check my enzymes, a test that
will become routine – every six months to a
year – to make sure that my health
isn’t adversely affected by the
testosterone.
“Goodbye.”
I gaze into my face in
the mirror above the sink in his small bathroom.
My female self is receding as I watch my eyes. I
memorize the moment. Stretch the crossroads out.
This first shot is what I’ve waited and
plotted for, my walk off the precipice.
Dr Argopolis draws up
the shot from the small bottle. “Here, get
ready…here is the medicine.” The
doctor squints into the barrel of the syringe as
it fills up with the virilising potion.
From that first shot,
I’ve lived each day as though I were
already physically the man I decided to become.
I’ve injected a powerful elixir, the
workings of which hurtle me into a web of
energies and impulses I couldn’t have
anticipated. The doors are blasted open. I begin
to enter the realm of male
life.”
Valerio, Max Wolf (2006), The Testosterone
Files, Seal Press: California, p. 13-16.
Excerpt from http://www.amazon.com/
