I examine my lifestyle from time to
time, to clarify issues that confront me due to
my journey. Very much like an audit.
Looking back I could not have predicted the
extent and type of changes with anything nearing
a degree of accuracy. Being aware of the
possibilities, did not lessen their impact.
Obviously some changes were welcomed while
others not so. I will not list these situations
under headings, because life isn't mapped out
that way.
With a wry smile I remember developing an
appetite to rival Errol Flynn (for younger
members refer - parents) which whilst now
comfortable, has in no way abated from that
first wonderful shot. Discovering a somewhat
shortened fuse (I mean temper) was not greeted
quite so warmly. My inner happiness that still
feels like a well kept secret, partially a
result of not having to live a lie anymore. I
enjoy playing my part in a society within which
I was once so removed, and being acknowledged
for the man I am. Not being second
guessed/questioned when I meet people for the
first time, and finding a new depth (with each
change) in my relationship.
These on going issues are mostly positive,
but, conversely, at one stage I had multiple
fibroids (growths will suffice) inside and
outside the uterus, attributed to long term use
of T (not always T but can be a factor for
some), my ovaries, and vagina have become
completely atrophied, due to lack of estrogen.
Have had a hysto, so the ovaries were not an
issue for me but might for others, it pays to
have regular checkups incl. pap smears. I know I
can hear your groans from here. But it is vital
that we look after our health with everything
that is happening. Blood pressure is up up up
for me, and now I am on tablets - as for blood
fats etc., it's also gone higher and I have to
watch my diet (well I try). Cholesterol has
risen heaps - painting a picture here.
Let's face it, blokes have more chance of
having heart disease on average. My once full
head of hair has just passed the half empty
stage. Considerable changes in muscle bulk means
my large frame struggles to keep up - exercise
is good. Friendships of various types often come
to an end, for a myriad of reasons, and it
hurts, believe me I know as this did happen for
me recently, and yes I am post transition, "go
figure" (as the Americans say). The comment made
was "I cannot cope with what you are?" Had my
sense of humour been more intact I would have
enquired as to what was it about my height, age,
hair colour, anglo=saxon, background that was so
difficult. Nevertheless it happens.
Emotionally I have gone through tremendous
changes and found that being gentle with myself,
explaining and at times apologising lots to
loved ones and supporters has helped to keep me
and them sane. I would not have trusted myself
to make sweeping changes ultimately affecting my
future until I had grown up, through the
process. I was often vulnerable, childish,
impetuous or occasionally confronting and
selfish. Being at the end of my emotional
maturation I can with 20/20 hindsight appreciate
what an upheaval this has been and am glad I
gave myself the space to grow as did significant
others around me.
Regardless of the changes ending for me, I
have a history that cannot be denied or ignored,
as it involved 43 years of my life. I still very
much celebrate having been a mother, carrying,
giving birth to and breastfeeding (they had to
be good for something) my son. I am glad I did
not rush into any part of my journey, for the
same reason that changes in nature take time,
with room for adjustment and acceptance
within.
To grow stronger as the process evolved
without being overwhelmed, and taking time
during transition to marvel at the beauty of
changes happening (remember, an approx. average
male puberty takes 6 - 8 years.) I can not say I
ever had a feminine side to now get in touch
with, but the masculine one suits me just
fine.
