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Note from Michelle regarding the Diary
Entries:
From Day One of Chris getting injections we have
been keeping a journal of side effects, changes,
feelings etc. I thought it would be interesting
to commit to paper the changes from the littlest
thing to the most major. We have been asked to
share this journey with you. We hope it helps
partners as well as those who are just starting
out or who are thinking about it.
4th October 2004
Day 132 - Well surgery is still on the
cards but as yet still nothing has been done
regarding it. I know it is getting very
difficult now for Chris especially when out in
public. The big problem still and I guess will
be until surgery is done is which toilet do you
use.
As Chris' face matures into a more manly
appearance and the voice is deepening, the
facial hair is becoming more apparent but yet
the chest is a big giveaway that all is not what
it seems. As well as this it also depends on the
type of clothing being worn at the time as to
what kind of outline is seen from underneath the
shirt. People are very narrow minded especially
when they don't have to deal with these kind of
issues daily. So we just take every day as it
comes and depending on the day and clothing worn
depends on which toilet is used.
14th October 2004
Day 142 - Chris is currently away on a
course in Katoomba and it amazes me how the
voice continues to change. I don't hear it as
much when we are together, I guess I am getting
used to the way it sounds but when speaking over
the phone you really notice it. It is so weird
in a lot of ways as one of my concerns was that
as the voice deepens I wouldn't recognise Chris
when he rang for me at work but even though the
phone is changing it still remains the same. I
guess it is because the changes are so subtle
that it gives you time to get used to them. The
way Chris smells is also changing (but not for
the worse), especially when wearing cologne.
1st November 2004
Day 160 - It is getting closer to the
next lot of pellets. We didn't lose any of them
which is good and they don't seem to be
bothering Chris anymore which is even better. It
has been decided that the next place to try is
the hip so we will see how this goes. Otherwise
nothing new to report really, the changes are
happening daily however they do happen slowly so
they can be easy to miss. It is easier when the
changes are noticeable so I catch myself staring
at Chris' face and body to see if anything new
has happened especially when we are out as these
are when the changes are more noticeable.
I know it sounds strange but when you are
keeping your eyes peeled for any new
developments as I have been doing you start to
notice that our men deal with people or
situations differently then they once did. I
notice especially if we have ordered lunch or
bought something if Chris gets called sir and
they continue this throughout the conversation
he walks out with such confidence and a boost
that was definitely not there moments before it
makes me smile. All I keep thinking is one day
the way being called sir makes him feel now
won't be as special anymore. Yes I do find them
special because they are milestones or stepping
stones if you like which bring him closer to the
way he is viewed by people outside our circle of
friends. By people who have no idea of the
struggles within, of the man trying to get out
and be free. Each milestone is another struggle
overcome and to experience this brings about a
deeper understanding of how things will be in
the future.
18th November 2004
Day 177 - Where did the hair come from
I am sure it wasn't there a couple of days ago.
Along with the pimples on the back which are
annoying Chris no end there are now fine strands
of hair on his back. Very fine that you cannot
seem them unless up close or a light catches
them which is what has just happened. They are
so soft at the moment to the touch I wonder if
this is how they will remain. Something tells me
this won't be the case I guess we will just have
to wait and see.
The facial hair is getting thicker in parts
though still has a long way to go towards it
being decent enough for it to be goatee material
but it is getting there. I had forgotten just
how bad stubble was, but I am being reminded of
this quite frequently now. The hair is growing
back at greater speeds now so Chris is needing
to shave more frequently which is still a
novelty. I wonder how long it will take for him
to become sick of doing it?
1st December 2004
Day 190 - Next month is pellet month
again it happens so quickly I cannot believe it.
Everything is going well friends have commented
on how much Chris' voice has changed as well as
facial features. I look back on photos of our
commitment day and compare them with now and
even though his face is still the same, it
isn't. It is hard to explain as I don't think
there really is a word that can justify the
changes as a positive, the word harsher comes to
mind but in a good way. I know, how can harsher
be good, but it is. The facial features have
become typically male with the strong jaw lines
and tougher looking skin. Looking back at old
photo's the facial features were defiantly
female even though then he was being mistaken
for male. It seems the more male he becomes the
more confused people are. It all has to go back
to the chest and hopefully soon this can be
rectified.
17th December 2004
Day 206 - The headaches seem to have
settled down in the past few months. I am just
wondering if they will come back again when the
next lot of pellets go in. Chris' muscles are
forever tightening and it seems multiplying
especially since he has not started working out
as yet. There seem to be more muscles on his
arms then ever before. His shoulders are
broadening even more then before. It will be
interesting to see how his form changes when he
starts to exercise.
6th January 2005
Day 226 - Today was D day or should I
say P day. We spent the morning at Concord
Hospital for the second lot of pellets. Chris
decided to get them in his hip even though this
meant getting one stitch. It all seemed to go
really well and Chris seemed more comfortable
with this then in the stomach so it looks like
this will be the way to go for us. He was still
sore today and I would assume he will be for a
few days afterwards but he seems to be more
mobile than when he had them in his stomach and
isn't overcompensating for them as he did
previously so all looks good for now.
13th January 2005
Day 233 - Well I don't think I will
make a surgeon anytime soon. I was told that
when the stitch was ready to come out to cut it
with a pair of nail scissors, that they would be
strong & small enough to cut it. Either I
have the world's bluntest pair of nail scissors
or I was lied to because the nail scissors don't
cut stitches. Well might don't anyway. I even
spent half an hour borrowing neighbours'
scissors to see if theirs would cut it but they
were not small enough to negotiate around the
area. I had to give up, Chris will need to go to
the doctors tomorrow to get it out. I need to
invest in some sharp scissors.
14th January 2005
Day 234 - Yep we went to the doctors,
it took her approximately two seconds to cut it.
We were in and out in five minutes which
includes waiting time to see the Doctor.
Definitely investing in a pair of sharper
scissors not going to the doctor's every time
this needs to be done. The doctor found our
story a little amusing though. We found the
doctor amusing as we were waiting for her to ask
what happened but she didn't. She couldn't get
us out of her office quick enough. It goes to
show you just because they are doctors doesn't
mean they are less narrow minded. We were hoping
to get a doctor who was willing to listen and
try to understand what Chris is going through
closer to home as at the moment our doctor is in
Sydney but for now this will not be and we will
continue seeing our doctor in Sydney when
required.
31st March 2005
Day 310 - I have been really naughty
not keeping this diary up-to-date as I promised
myself I would. But it is getting harder as
until the surgery is underway the changes that
are happening are the same day in and day out.
But for accurate record keeping I guess I should
update no matter what.
It seems Chris has lost weight, both of us
are not sure how as his appetite seems to be
increasing by the second. He always seems to be
hungry these days. His body is obviously
changing shape so he is losing weight in areas
where he once held it. I have to get him
exercising so he can get in shape so we can
start paving the way for surgery.
He has a few hassles at work so is now
looking for a new job which will put the surgery
back a bit longer. I am not sure if this is such
a good idea but I guess by the same token I
would not be happy with him going into surgery
having the mind frame he does. He is just so
stressed with work at the moment that it is
going to make him sick.
We believe it has to do with the changes that
he is going through at the moment. It is one
thing to be supportive when you look and sound
the same. But when all the changes take hold and
become noticeable then this is when support is
really required, and this is when support seems
to be diminishing enough for problems to start
coming through at work. But how do you prove
this and how do you fight something you cannot
prove?
Citation
— Michelle. (2004). Transition Diary #3.
Transcript #5, December 2004.
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