I've come to realize that one of the
most difficult parts of my journey as the parent
of a female-to-male offspring was learning to
call my lovely daughter of 38 years by a male
name. But even worse was beginning to use the
"other" pronouns. While the name was a bit
ambiguous, saying "he," "him," "his" seemed so
totally - I dunno -- foreign, weird, and
embarrassing! I know for sure, it is just as
difficult for parents and families of MTFs,
right?
After all, we mothers have changed our
child's diapers a thousand times and know very
well what that perfect, beautiful body looks
like. It's a little like having to start calling
the sky "green," the water "pink," or "up,"
instead of "down." The new pronouns fly in the
face of everything I've known about the flesh of
my womb these many years.
Even the new name -- I'm not so young any
more and I can barely keep my grandchildren
straight! ;-) Now I should change a name I've
used for 20, 30, or 40 years? Give me a
break!
One more thing -- are the new pronouns and
name retroactive? Am I supposed to say, "When
Steve was a little girl...?" Actually, I've
learned to say, "When Steve was a child, he..,"
realizing that Steve was actually always a boy.
I just didn't know it then.
Our own son was very generous, giving us time
to adjust. When we trip, he gently corrects us
(then or later in private); we laugh and go on.
He says one friend used to say "bananas" each
time someone used the wrong name or pronoun,
thus calling attention so the speaker could
"hear" the mistake, but still treating the error
lightly. One young bearded FTM we know took his
grandmother out to lunch. When ordering, she
referred to her grandson as "she." "Grandma, he
said, that waiter will think you are senile if
you don't get the pronouns right!" She learned
quickly after that!
There are other problems with pronouns.
Sometimes, in writing or speaking, we want to
refer to someone and don't KNOW the gender, so
we say "they." While this is a grammatical
error, it seems to be more acceptable now.
Sometimes, when I'm not sure, I have used
"s/he," "he/she" or as above, "him-/herself."
However, I've been told that "he/she" is
language the cops have used to denigrate trans
folks, so it's less acceptable to me now. Often
you can use "person" or repeat the name and
avoid the pronoun altogether. I think the jury
is still out on all these alternatives; take
your pick. It is heartening to note that the
United Press (UP) has actually issued a
directive to its thousands of reporters to use
pronouns consistent with the way person is
presenting (dressed)
At one point I heard about some new pronouns
and thought I would be terribly clever and
politically correct using "ze" and "hir" in
referring to a transgendered friend
mid-transition -- until I was told "No!" Most
transgendered people, and perhaps all
transsexual persons, identify as one gender or
the other; use the pronouns consistent with how
they are presenting at the time, or as they
prefer. When talking with Leslie Feinberg, noted
transgender author, I asked Leslie which
pronouns to use. Ze shrugged hir shoulders and
said ze didn't care. While these have never been
widely used, they ARE handy once in a while.
And what about children of trans? How do they
handle this potentially awkward situation? It
seems most have continued to use the old
familiar "Mom"or "Dad" at home and the new first
name in public -- with rarely a slip. Others
have coined new terms. Good to give them some
choice. Children will usually accept and handle
a parent's gender transition if the significant
adults are handling it with love, ease and a
little humor.
It that weren't enough already to deal with,
we now have a new group who identify as
androgynous (an-draw'-jen-us). Like Leslie, they
are not comfortable identifying as either male
or female and choose to identify somewhere in
the gender middle ground. Some will tell you
they are really androgynous, but in our culture
it is too difficult to explain that constantly.
So they tend to dress somewhat ambiguously,
often slacks and loose shirts, but identify to
others as either male or female. It seems that
cracking our Western culture's deeply engrained
binary way of looking at almost everything is
even more difficult than shifting from one side
to the other.
While talking about proper pronouns, I have a
pet peeve to share, unrelated to gender issues.
Many people, trying too hard to be correct, say
"I" when they should say "me." Dick took John
and ME to the store (same as if he took only
me). But -- John and I went to the store (same
as if I went alone). It's also better to refer
to the other person first.
Finally, can anyone help me find a word in
the English language for an "adult child"? (I
won't repeat the crazy suggestions offered!)
The bottom line -- best to let the
transgendered person in your life know you DO
respect his or her new gender identity and you
are TRYING to get it straight. Realize that
pronouns may be the hardest part of the journey
for both you AND your child. Work at it,
apologize, laugh, and go on! Know you are not
(necessarily!) senile, nor alone, with this
challenge -- and it WILL get easier with time.
Neither Rome, nor new habits, were ever built in
a day.
