I used to feel that I was caught
between genders. Now, looking back, I realise,
that for me, this was because everyone in my
life (save a few) were very attached to me as a
female bodied person. Now, six months into
hormone therapy, and two years plus, on the
mental path of transition, I realise that my
reservations were due to other people's
perceptions of me.
It took me a long time, about 18 months, to
be confident in taking testosterone. This was
because I knew that other people in my life were
not ready for it. Looking back, I realise that I
was ready in myself for a long time before that,
but I held too much of my decision based on
where people close to me were.
Retrospectively I was different from other
"girls" long long ago. Joel was my birth middle
name, and I can remember getting some friends to
call me that when I was around the age of 10.
However, I only really "got" the concept of
transsexualism when I was 18/19.
I used to identify as transgender for a
while. As I felt that it was more inclusive.
Like Jack [NZ Jack] said, a lot of
people use it as more of an umbrella term. Now,
I prefer transsexual, as it's a more accurate
term to describe my situation. Because for me, I
feel that i was born with a birth defect. I was
given another x chromosome instead of a y.
Although, I primarily identify as male.
I was ready for chest surgery as soon as I
realised that it was an option. I never ever
ever wanted to have breasts and I didn't feel
that this is a determinant of gender/sex, as
there are many flat chested women out there.
As most of my reservations about transition
were based on other peoples perceptions, I felt
that my having or not having breasts was none of
their business. Of course since I have turned my
feelings towards what I want, and who I am, I
view things a little differently. I'm very happy
to say that my chest surgery date is exactly one
calendar month away now.
I'm not sure if that helps, but it's my
experience. I will also add, that very early on
in my "transition" I was adamant that I would be
"out", but now I feel that how I was born is no
one's business, unless I want it to be.
Reprinted with
permission.
