I'm feeling
super-secure in my masculinity, and/or I'm just
not giving a %#$# what people think. I can't
remember the last time I felt that sinking
feeling of gender dysphoria, even when I'm
completely naked or sitting down to pee or
taking my binder off or any of those activities
that remind me of my body.
At least I couldn't
remember until today...
I was sitting on the
train & I saw this family... a cute little
blonde toddler, a boy around 7, girl around 9
sitting on her mother's knee. Next to them, the
husband & father, looking contented,
chatting to his family.
I looked at him... and
it suddenly hit me. Just how fucking lucky he
was to be a regular guy who had met this
gorgeous woman, got married (presumably) &
fathered 3 healthy kids.
Maybe he has a "boring"
suburban life (by the looks of him he probably
does), going to work, coming home to dinner,
watching TV & playing with the kids before
going to bed with the wife.
A hell of a lot less
"interesting" than my life. But at that moment I
would have given anything to have traded places
with him.
He looked to be in his
mid 30s, his wife maybe 5 years younger than him
at the most... I imagined his life story.
Going through puberty
& having his voice break without any
artificial intervention. Having his balls drop
instead of boobs swelling up on his chest.
Dating girls in high
school, going to uni or TAFE, playing footy
& cricket & being able to use the
changing rooms with no worries. Going to work
& flirting with the girls in the office.
Meeting his future wife... being able to get
down on one knee & propose without having to
think about the legalities of their union or
whether they'd just have a ceremony for
show.
And most of all, the
amazing feeling of having a child who has half
your genes, who is a part of you.
I wanted all that for
myself so badly I felt like crying. All day I've
been unable to shake off that feeling... that
sense of... I don't know.
I guess it's part loss,
because I did make myself deliberately infertile
in a sense, & I could have had all that
except in the female role, if I'd wanted.
But there's the rub-I
couldn't have had it really, because it would
have driven me insane to deny the very essence
of who I am.
And most of the time I
just manage to accept that I am a man who is
infertile & lacks a penis & has tits
& was raised a girl.
— by Henry, Perth
Reprinted with
permission.
