I have known Dave for the past four
years. We were in an "on again, off again" long
distance relationship for three years before
going our separate ways for a while. 10 months
later, we found ourselves back in each other's
lives again. It's always been that way with us -
we always seem to find our way back to each
other in the end.
Dave is a 22 year old FTM Trans-guy, and has
completed 3 out of 5 surgeries. I admire him for
his courage and strength. It takes a brave and
courageous person to have come as far as he has,
and at such a young age.
I know that all I can do is be there to
support him in every way I know how, and I
accept that I will never really understand what
he's going through. How can anyone ever
understand his situation or that of other people
in one similar to his, if they too have not
experienced it for themselves? Fortunately for
me, I was born with all of my bits matching, so
I could never really "know" what he is going
through.
He is very lucky that he has so many people
in his life who are supporting him in his
journey. The people that love him and accept who
he is, and the path that he has chosen to
take.
God or some higher powers that be have really
sent me an angel. I couldn't even begin to
explain to you how wonderful of a person Dave
is. I could but I would be here all day! In the
past I had not been a very supportive person for
Dave and in some ways I treated him pretty
badly. I never took the time to really
understand his situation, and I abused his trust
and his love.
When I first met Dave, I thought "WOW"!! We
connected instantly. We shared the same
interests, we laughed together, it was like a
dream. It was as if we had known each other
forever and in some ways it was like we were
living in our own fantasy world.
After a few months Dave told me about his
situation. My initial reaction was shock and
confusion. I wasn't upset that he had not told
me sooner, because I understood that it isn't
necessarily something you tell everyone you
meet. He gained my trust before he opened up to
me and I accepted that. I was a little scared,
but not in a bad way. I was scared because it
was not something I knew a lot about. It was
something you hear about or read about. You
never think it will happen to you or someone
close to you. I had a lot of questions and Dave
answered them all. He explained it to me, and I
thought I understood. I never really considered
the commitment I would be making, or just what
Dave would be going through over the next few
years. And it was too late for me to turn my
back on him, because I had already fallen for
him. I was not going to let him go.
Never had I been in a relationship with a man
who was so affectionate and so open with his
feelings. He would call me his Juliet, and each
morning I would wake to his voice on the phone
"Good morning my sexy lady". He was perfect.
What we had was perfect. He knew just what to
say, he knew what to do, and he spoilt me with
surprise gifts that meant so much.
But the problem was that he opened himself up
to me too much. He loved me, trusted me, and was
loyal to me, but I started to change.
My feelings were still strong for him, even
stronger than before. I was so deeply in love
with him. But I was beginning to realize that I
really did not understand his situation. And
instead of being honest and open with him and
telling him how I felt, I kept it all bottled up
inside. I so desperately needed someone to speak
to. I needed reassurance that being in love with
him was not wrong. I kept thinking, "How could I
love a person like this? Is it normal?" I didn't
know where to go or who to speak to.
Over time my questions turned into anger and
maybe I felt a need to punish him for being who
he was. I would take my frustrations out on him
without ever directly telling him how I felt. I
was never intentionally trying to hurt him, I
was just trying to make myself feel better, but
I never consciously realized the pain I was
causing him. So instead of simply being honest I
became cruel and nasty. I said and did
unnecessary things. In my mind I thought I could
treat him as badly as I liked. It's as though I
thought "I don't have to try, he'll always be
there for me". But I was wrong. There is only so
much that people will take before they crack,
and I pushed Dave over the edge. I don't think
he cracked, I think he smashed. I didn't just
break his heart, I tore it to shreds and stomped
on it. I abused his trust. A thing that is
earned with time, I managed to abuse within
days.
Looking back sends a shiver down my spine. To
realize what a cold hearted person I had become.
To realize how I had treated the one person I
truly loved. An overwhelming cloud of guilt
still hangs over me now, to remember back to
what I did.
So Dave did what he had to do. He moved on.
He built up the courage and found the strength
within himself to let go of me. He didn't just
end our relationship, but he cut all contact
with me.
The break away made me realize what I had
lost, and I will forever be grateful that he is
back in my life again. In some ways I see that I
was young (and I still am - now 23), and back
then very immature. It doesn't excuse my
behaviour, but I guess it's true that as you get
older you get a little wiser - and I know that I
certainly have.
I appreciate my life so much more these days.
I understand the need to love and forgive and be
the best person I can be. And I know that a big
reason for my change is having Dave in my life.
A caring, sweet, wonderful human being who has
taught me so much about life and myself and
helped me look at life differently.
It's been almost three months since we
entered into each other's lives again, after our
10 month split, but it was this painful 10
months without him that I needed for me to
realize what I had lost. I prayed every day to
have him back in my life until eventually I
accepted that it was really over and this was my
punishment for the way I treated him. I made a
promise to myself to never treat another person
ever again, the way I treated him. I used to cry
myself to sleep at night and say, "One more
chance, just one. Let me try again, I'll never
treat him the same, just give me one more chance
to prove myself".
And somehow magic happened. God or higher
powers that be, or maybe it was the cosmic
forces of the universe, who knows? But it was
something. Something brought him back to me.
It's only been three months, but all things
take time. We are slowly getting to know each
other again. I don't know how long it will take
for him to be able to trust me the way he used
to. I don't know how I can prove to him that I
would never again do to him what I did, but I do
know one thing - it's not time that heals all
wounds, it's love. Not necessarily a romantic
love, but every sort of love. Supportive people,
family, friends - love in all forms.
Dave and I both have wounds that are slowly
and will eventually be healed. And I believe
that yes time will help the healing process, but
it will be love that heals them in the end. Not
love for each other, but love from
everywhere.
Some people just connect - spiritually,
physically and emotionally. Dave and I always
have and deep down I believe that we always
will. It's almost as though our lives are simply
destined to be intertwined somehow.
I understand now that I was so selfish in the
past. It was as though because of his situation
I treated Dave as though he was not human, and
as though he had no feelings. However, a more
mature, older and wiser me now sees the need for
me to be supportive of him. He doesn't need
negative people in his life, bringing him down.
He needs love and support. He doesn't have a
disease or a contagious infection. He didn't
choose to be born the way that he was.
He's just a guy. He is a very special guy who
reached for my hand as a friend, but has touched
my heart forever.
