It really bothers me that I can't
remember the exact moment when (and the exact
reasons why) I decided to affirm my masculine
identity. Sure, I saw myself as a boy when I was
a kid and was devastated when female puberty
hit. Yeah, I talked about what-ifs and maybe's
with a long-term partner I had until a few years
ago. But I don't actually recall what made me
wake up one morning and tell my GP that I'd had
enough, that something just has to be done about
the mental and physical problems I've been
experiencing since forever. The next thing I
knew I had in my hand a referral to the local
endocrinologist. My head was spinning with the
possibilities.
Then I started dating someone else, so the
referral sat in my top drawer while the new
relationship sorted itself out. I didn't tell
this new girlfriend about my gender issues.
Ironically, we were out at a local club one
night and several male patrons we met assumed
that I was male too. I thought it was great but
my girlfriend wasn't impressed at all. She said
if I looked like a guy she wouldn't be going out
with me because she likes women. She added that
in her opinion, I didn't look or sound like a
bloke anyway. Obviously we didn't last long
together. A day or two after we split up I
booked in to see the endo. No more
procrastinations, no more ignoring or avoiding
major issues. No more indecisions.
Now it's two years later and I'm in the next
phase of transition - preparing for surgery. At
least I know which operations I want and why I
choose them.
I suppose it's not possible to remember every
step you take on every journey you make in life.
It just shits me that my breakthrough epiphany -
the "aha" moment, the instant I knew what was
wrong and worked out how to fix it - is lost in
the ether of time and space. Oh well. I feel
that I am walking the right path, step by step
drawing closer to the ultimate destination of
the real me. That's what counts now.
Even if you can't recall each and every
moment of your gender travels, at least you can
remember to enjoy the ride. "The journey is just
as important as the destination."
Bon Voyage!
