My only daughter is married to a man
who was born with transsexualism.
When I first met my son in law, he was aware
of his condition but had not yet publicly begun
the process of sexual reassignment, although he
had started hormone treatment (of which I was
unaware). So publicly, he was still presenting
as female.
My daughter did not have to tell me about my
son in law's condition. She only confirmed what
I had already guessed. In the eight years since
I first met him I have never wavered from my
original impression that he is male and could
never have been anything else. The thought of
his being treated as a female for almost the
first thirty years of his life boggles my mind.
I cannot conceive of it. I wonder he survived
those years, although I can understand the
unhappiness, anger, loneliness, alienation and
frustration he suffered without knowing its
cause.
I had been curious about this condition,
known as transsexualism, when I had read about
it over the years. I wondered how anyone would
know that they really belonged to the opposite
sex. What would it feel like? It had never
occurred to me to question my own identity. When
I first met my son in law, however, I could see
the answer to my questions. I was immediately
convinced that transsexualism was very real.
Medical research and opinion concur as to its
biological origin.
I suppose the fact that I already knew and
liked my future son in law was a factor in my
ready acceptance of him as my daughter's
potential partner when the subject was broached.
My daughter had suffered a number of unhappy
relationships in the past and this was a good
person, steady and responsible, loving and
caring, with a deep commitment to family. My
daughter had at last found the person she wanted
to spend her life with.
Normally, my son in law prefers that people
get to know him before they learn of his
condition, but this was not the case with my
daughter's father. My husband and I divorced in
1986 after 23 years of marriage. He then moved
to another state and remarried. (My ex-husband
has since passed away two years ago). My
daughter was not as close to her father as she
was to me but she loved him and they kept in
touch. She decided to write to her father and
tell him shortly before she took her
fiancé to meet him. She found it was
easier to explain in a letter rather than face
to face. It allowed knee jerk reactions to be
done with and more rational thinking to prevail.
My ex husband was ultra conservative in his
outlook and lived among like minded people but
he took the news well. He and his wife liked my
son in law and made him welcome. They accepted
that like "Fred" the young boy featured in the
documentary "The Decision" (lent to them by a
helpful relative) and contrary to physical
indications, our daughter's fiancé was
indeed male and had always been so. The two men
found they had things in common and were able to
converse over a beer. I believe also that my
ex-husband recognised the young man's worth,
that he loved our daughter and that he would be
a good husband.
My daughter and son in law mostly choose the
people they tell about his condition. It is very
important to him that the decision about whom to
tell, when and how, rests with him wherever
possible. Of course they told his family, most
of whom were wonderfully supportive including
his 83 year old grandmother - although for a
while she had trouble getting the pronouns
right! One aunt and uncle reported that they had
"known before he did". I have no immediate
family left but of my ex husband's family, his
sister, her husband and children were accepting.
The couple's attitude is to offer information
and answer questions, but ultimately not to
dwell upon adverse reactions.
They told their friends who, without
exception, came up trumps. After all, he is
still the same person. His identity and name may
have changed but he hasn't.
Of course, there are people who have to be
told and this may prove difficult. It is
necessary for the changes in name and identity
to be made known to certain people, e.g. to
people in the workplace, to service providers,
tax accountants, doctors, banks, insurance
companies, to name a few. My daughter and son in
law had almost 100 per cent positive reactions,
and of the tiny few who did not understand none
was important in their lives.
I have a group of wonderful friends who are
always there for me. Some go back to my school
days and the others are my teaching buddies of
many years. Although not catholic myself I
taught in a catholic school and my teaching
friends are women of middle age and all
catholic.
Perhaps one would expect such a group to have
reservations when confronted by the facts. Not
so. Their reactions could not have been better.
They are admiring of what the young couple have
achieved, are totally supportive and wish them
nothing but good.
One stumbling block for us parents could
perhaps be that men with transsexualism are
unable to biologically father children. It could
also be a problem to the man himself and/or his
partner. There are alternatives, such as
adoption or donor insemination. My daughter and
son in law chose the latter. They went to a
publicly funded clinic, the staff of which were
informed of the facts and they were treated the
same as any other couple on the program. They
were able to choose a donor from a list
presented and chose to use the same donor for
both of their children, although my son in law
was fully entitled to be named as the children's
father on their birth certificates (which he
is).
To the rest of the world my daughter and her
husband (they are legally married) are a typical
young couple with two beautiful little boys
living their lives no differently from anyone
else. Most people are unaware of their
difference and do not need to know.
