Disclosure… a word that for
me means many things! It brings up anxiety, a
sense of freedom, relief, honesty, fear, nausea,
grief and joy. But for those to whom I've
disclosed, a similar array of emotions are
experienced.
As I write this story of my disclosures, I
have had very positive experiences of sharing my
truth with friends and work mates. As yet, I
have only had one person, a teacher and mentor I
have known for 18 years, who said "I would
prefer it if you didn't contact me again." This,
of course, was heart breaking, but in the scheme
of things, as huge as this gender journey is, 1
out of many has been a good return. (I am hoping
maybe in the future that my friends love for me,
may overturn her decision… but we'll
see).
At this point I have told all of my nearest
and dearest friends, and my entire workplace of
my decision to affirm my masculine self through
gender reassignment.
The process of disclosing my identity from
Sam to Benjamin at work started in the first
week of training with AAPT Limited. I
completed a months training with 8 other
newbies, 3 of whom are still with the company
eight months later. It was Karen, a spunky 18
year-old, who I disclosed to first. And from
then on, she has been one of my greatest
supporters and friends.
Her response at first was like "well I
suppose if you wanna do that to your body" then
quickly followed with lots and lots of
questions, which I was happy and somewhat
relieved to be able to answer. I quickly saw her
as a little sister figure (although the T-shots
and T-shirts have sometimes clouded that view of
her) and of all my friends, Karen has taken on
'Ben' and all the masculine accoutrements better
than anyone else.
As I was on 3 months probation (along with my
fellow trainees), I felt it was wise to not
share my transsexualism with my employers.
Paranoia maybe, but when I had signed an
agreement that said they could terminate my
employment within 3 months and basically say,
"It's not working out - we're going to let you
go". I figured if I disclosed during that
probation period and was let go, I would never
know if it was my abilities (or lack there of)
or my gender dysphoria that may have lost me the
job.
A few weeks later I inadvertently told two
more members of my training group, in what I
thought was the strictest of confidence. During
this period, I had been to the Gender Dysphoria
Clinic in Melbourne a couple of times, and as I
was anticipating being put on testosterone
injections, felt it was time to share with my
Team Manager, Sharon.
So on the 15th December 2003, I took her
aside during a shift and clumsily stumbled
through my news. To this day, her take on my
disclosure was one of the most refreshing and
supportive. She was excited for me, and honoured
that I had shared it with her. At this stage, I
had not intended to tell anyone else until
February or March 2004. However, unbeknownst to
me, a couple of weeks earlier, one of my
training group had been outside having a smoke,
talking quite freely and loosely about my
transition, including the more personal aspects
of it such as surgery. When I chose to disclose
to a member of my Team at our Christmas party,
he informed me he already knew, and explained
the circumstances of his knowing.
I was quite hurt by my friend's
thoughtlessness, but angrier that her actions in
disregarding my confidence, meant that the
choice and timing of my disclosure was taken out
of my hands. Realising that in a workplace of
300+, the grapevine worked pretty quickly, I
decided to speak with the Human Resources staff
the following Monday 22nd December.
The two women in HR are pretty nice, and as I
sat down to tell Denise, her boss, Allison was
typing on the computer with her back to me.
Denise' face was the classic "gob
smacked-wide-open-mouthed-wow" look. And as I
continued, I realised Allison's typing was
slowing to a crawl and then a complete stop.
This revelation was one that had never come up
at the office I work at before. And in the days
that followed, when HR checked with head office
in Sydney, found that I was the first
transsexual to transition with the company…
Quite the trailblazer, the ol' Benjamin.
As it was clear that gossip was already
spreading around the call centre, my team
manager suggested we go into 'damage control'
and have a team meeting to disclose the TRUTH
about my transition. There we all sat in an
impromptu team meeting, Sharon sharing the news
with the group, acting more like a PR rep or
Agent… but I found she had a better handle
on revealing the news, than I had.
With the Christmas break between the
disclosure and a new chapter in my journey, my
team started off by calling me "Maca" as a
"transitional" transition name until my change
of name was official in early February. People's
reactions to it was cool… one more mature
lady in the team was all ready to adopt me, and
arrange flowers for my eventual stay in
hospital. The team's original 'Benjamin' had one
concern, if we were going to be referred to as
likened to Banana's in Pyjamas - B1 and B2 - he
insisted on being B1. It was a deal!
It wasn't until six weeks later, when my new
birth certificate came in that the rest of the
call centre got the official word about the
changes in my life. Although I had read about
disclosure in the workplace, and wished to
handle it a little differently, I was impressed
with the supportive, thoughtful and professional
way AAPT dealt with disclosing my transitioning.
Human Resources, working closely with my Team
Manager Sharon, arranged for all Team Managers
in the Call Centre to have a meeting. Once the
TMs were informed, each team, over the period of
two weeks, were given a 'anti-discrimination
& harassment' refresher, then told about my
transsexualism, my change of name, masculine
pronouns, as well as eventual use of the men's
toilets.
Through December, January and February I used
the Disabled toilets, as I had long felt
uncomfortable in the women's loos. In mid March
I started to use the Men's on the quiet Sunday
shift, but quickly got into using them fulltime
during all my shifts. Human Resources, via my
Team Manager, tells me that out of some 320
staff, there have been no problems, and no staff
with issues around my transition.
I am not so naïve to realise that
doesn't mean that there aren't people who
disagree with or don't support my decision to
affirm my gender identity, but working here as
been an incredibly supportive and positive
experience, and I appreciate the level of
acceptance and / or tolerance given to me by my
work mates.
Aside from the daunting knowledge that so
many people know MY name, I feel validated and
affirmed by every "Hey Ben", "Maca", "Mac
Daddy", "Benny Boy", "Dude", "Buddy" or
"Mate!"
Names have been changed.
