I have always felt that I am different
to others. I came out as gay when I was 14 and
still in high school. After being with women for
over a decade; and admiring men's bodies from
afar in that gee-I-wish-I-had-those-muscles
kinda way, I realized that after many years of
feeling uncomfortable in my body I wanted and
needed to so something about it.
I had been going to the Freedom Center for
awhile and decided to talk to some people there
about how I felt. They were really cool and gave
me some information on where to start. One site
we found on the web was FTM
Australia which was really
informative….I just never realized that
there were words and solutions to how I felt
about myself. I finally understood I was trans
and that there was this world out there which
included people just like me. I guess it felt
just like coming to grips with being gay but
more about my packaging rather than me as a
person. I also felt a bit naïve about the
whole situation…how the hell did I get this
far and not know??
So I went to see my GP to ask him for a
referral to see the psych. I rocked up to the
clinic, only to be told he was away on emergency
leave. Not now, I thought…why now?
"How long" I asked her.
"At least two weeks" Two Weeks!! I couldn't
wait that long, especially when you add that to
the waiting time of four or so weeks to see the
psych.
"You can see Dr Wong if you like. He is
available in about 15 minutes"
"Okay'
This was not good. Talk to a guy I've never
met? Oh well, its now or never and I cant wait
any longer to get this sorted. I just can't.
I waited nervously, flicking though GQ
feeling like everyone was watching me and
knowing that I was being unreasonably
paranoid.
I heard my birth name called, got up and
walked over to the doctor. I'd never met him
before, he was a tiny little Asian guy. I tried
to size him up, traditional/conservative
maybe….this was not a good sign.
He looked at me and stared, looked at my
file, looked back at me and (wait for it) asked
me if I really belonged to this girl's name. I
assured him that this was the case, he hesitated
then turned and led me to his consulting
room.
General chit chat occurred and I got some
routine blood test results back, all normal
which was great news.
I took a deep breath.
"I'd like a referral to a psychiatrist"
"Uhuh, why is that?"
"Umm" oh god, just breathe and ask "I'd like
to see Dr Silverman. He's a psych who I'd like
to see to discuss gender dysphoria"
Well done, see not hard at all.
"What was that? Gender……ahem.
Ahh…em...what about?"
Not so easy….shit & bugger.
"I want to get a referral to Dr Silverman to
talk to him about gender reassignment from
female to male". Okay, that should be clear
enough.
"So, you want to be a man?"
"Yes" I replied as calmly as I could. In
reality all I wanted to do is yell 'just give me
the bloody referral'. But I didn't. I was cool,
like I was just asking for a script of
antibiotics for a chest infection, no
biggie.
He looked at me for what seemed like
eons.
I started to panic and thought he was going
to refuse.
Then he got out his writing pad.
Relief washed over me.
I walked out of there 5 minutes later with a
very small envelope feeling the adrenaline rush
of excitement.
I was home free, well not free, but over the
first hurdle.
I had taken the first step.
* * * *
Well, now some months later I am about to
start testosterone as I have the ok from the GP,
Psych and Endocrinologist. I feel really
excited. Okay, so that's the understatement
of the year but hey, if you could see my cheesy
grin you'd get the picture easy enough. I am
about to make a minor (read large for
some people) correction which will make things
so incredibly easier for me; inside my head, my
heart and my soul.
My partner of over a year has been really
supportive and I love him beyond words. You see,
as I slide along the gender continuum I notice
my sexuality slides too…..and I have
realized that gender and sexuality are two very
different yet interlinking aspects of each of
us. I feel inherently queer and am reveling in
becoming me, the complete me.
This is my second puberty, my becoming of
age….. I just hope my voice doesn't squeak
too much as it breaks.
Dr's names have been
changed.
