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As parents, caregivers, teachers and mentors of
boys we all hope and want the best for the next
generation of men. However, recent research has
shown that boys are not being given the best, and
as a result, are falling behind. How are we letting
boys down? Unintentionally, we are fostering an
idea of boyhood that represses boys’ emotional
connections and their ability to be intimate. We
have an expectation of appropriate behavior for
boys that does not reflect the current needs of our
society. To help our sons become whole, we must
break the Boy Code.
What is the Boy Code?
The Boy Code is a set of rules and expectations
that come from outdated and highly dysfunctional
gender stereotypes: the idea that boys need to keep
their emotions in check; that violence is an
acceptable response to emotional upset; that their
self-esteem relies on power; and that they must
reject any and all signs of “feminine”
qualities.
Boys learn the Boy Code in sandboxes,
playgrounds, schoolrooms, camps, churches,
synagogues, temples, and hangouts, from peers,
coaches, teachers, and just about everybody else.
Even very young boys report that they feel they
must "keep a stiff upper lip," "not show their
feelings," "act real tough," "not act too nice,"
"be cool," "just laugh and brush it off when
someone punches you." These boys are invoking
strict rules they have absorbed about how they
"must" behave -- rules that most of them genuinely
fear breaking.
In several fundamental ways the Boy Code affects
the ability of boys and adults to connect. First it
separates boys from their parents too early, before
most boys are actually emotionally prepared for it.
When boys encounter some of early childhood's most
trying times -- when they sleep alone in a crib for
the first time, are sent away for two weeks of
summer camp, or separate from their parents for the
first day of kindergarten -- they are often being
pushed toward pseudo-independence before they are
ready.
When boys show their emotions, the Boy Code
makes boys feel ashamed of themselves. By the time
boys reach school age, years of training teaches
them that neither their mother nor their father
will respond warmly to their expressions of
emotions. By elementary school, most boys know and
honor the Boy Code even if it deeply hurts
them.
Yet when boys rebel against this push to
separate -- when they cry, get injured, or tell
friends that they'd rather stay at home than go
outside and play -- society's Boy Code makes them
feel ashamed of themselves. Shame haunts many boys
all their lives, undermining their core of
self-confidence, eroding their fragile self-esteem,
and leaving them with profound feelings of
loneliness, sadness and disconnection. Moreover, it
affects our ability to fully connect with our
boys.
Four Injunctions of the Boy Code
There are four basic stereotyped male ideals or
models of behavior at the heart of the Boy
Code:
"Sturdy oak"
Men should be stoic, stable and independent,
and never show weakness. Accordingly, boys are
not to share pain or grieve openly. Boys are
considered to have broken this guideline, for
instance, if they whimper, cry, or complain --
or sometimes even if they simply ask for an
explanation in a confusing or frightening
situation.
As one boy put it, "If somebody slugs you in
the face, probably the best thing you could do
is just smile and act like it didn't hurt. You
definitely shouldn't cry or say anything." The
"sturdy oak" requirement drains boys' energy
because it calls upon them to perform a constant
"acting job" -- to pretend to be confident when
they may feel afraid, sturdy when they feel
shaky, independent when they may be desperate
for love, attention and support.
"Give 'em hell"
This is the stance of some of our sports
coaches and of roles played by John Wayne, Clint
Eastwood, and Bruce Lee. It’s a stance
based on a false self of extreme daring, bravado
and attraction to violence. This injunction
stems largely from the myth that "boys will be
boys" -- the misconception that somehow boys are
biologically wired to act like macho,
high-energy, even violent supermen.
This is the Boy Code requirement that leads
many boys to "dare" each other to engage in
risky behaviors and causes some parents to
simply shrug their shoulders if their sons
injure themselves or others.
"Big wheel"
The imperative men and boys feel to achieve
status, dominance and power. Or, understood
another way, the "big wheel" refers to the way
in which boys and men are taught to avoid shame
at all costs, to wear the mask of coolness, to
act as though everything is going all right, as
though everything is under control, even if it
isn't.
This Boy Code imperative leads many boys and
men to push themselves excessively at academic
or career-related work, often in an effort to
repress feelings of failure or unhappiness.
"No sissy stuff"
Perhaps the most traumatizing and dangerous
injunction thrust on boys and men is the literal
gender straitjacket that prohibits boys from
expressing feelings or urges seen (mistakenly)
as "feminine" -- dependence, warmth, empathy.
According to the ideal of "no sissy stuff" such
feelings and behaviors are taboo.
Rather than being allowed to explore these
emotional states and activities, boys are
prematurely forced to shut them out, to become
self-reliant. And when boys start to break under
the strain, when nonetheless they display
"feminine" feelings or behaviors, they are
usually greeted not with empathy but ridicule,
with taunts and threats that shame them for
their failure to act and feel in stereotypically
"masculine" ways. And so boys become determined
never to act that way again -- they bury those
feelings.
Effects of the Boy Code
Even when boys appear sad or afraid, our culture
lets them know in no uncertain terms that they had
better toughen up and "tough it out" by themselves.
The feelings boys are forced to repress become so
troubling that some boys may show apparent symptoms
of Attention Deficit Disorder, and serious conduct
disorders, become depressed, and -- when they're
older -- turn to alcohol or drugs. Indeed, the same
kind of shame that silences adolescent girls from
expressing their true voice affects boys at a much
younger age -- at the age of five or six.
The good news is that neither boys nor the
adults who care for them need to live by these
rules. Boys can rebel against them and revise the
code for boys and girls so that they can experience
a broad range of feelings and behaviors. Parents do
not have to resist their deepest feelings for their
sons or let myths about boys overwhelm the wisdom
of their own instincts. Together we can unlearn the
Boy Code. Together we can insist on enjoying close,
emotionally rich relationships, based on connection
instead of disconnection. There is not one single
healthy path to mature masculinity. Boys'
self-esteem is, of course, essential to their
emotional growth and academic achievement, and it
is dependent on having their "real" voices heard
and genuine selves responded to with genuine
understanding.
Tips for Breaking the Boy Code
On the whole, boys tend to seek attachment less
through asking for it directly, and more by trying
to bring it about indirectly or through actions.
Here are some tips for parents who are trying to
break the Boy Code:
Give your son your undivided
attention every day
This means you're not speaking with someone
else, you're not simultaneously trying to cook,
clean, read or do some other task. You're
listening closely. He's got your attention.
While sometimes he may not want to talk -- while
he may just want to play a game, get some help
on his homework or complain about having to do
chores -- showing him this attention, even if he
doesn't always soak it up, gives him the message
that you're there, that you care, and that he
has a daily time and place when he can share
things with you. It's not important that he
always unload heavy emotions on you. And he may
signal that he prefers to talk about things at
some later point. He just needs to feel your
regular loving presence and know that you're
eager to know what's happening in his world.
Encourage the expression of the full range
of emotions
From the moment a boy is born and throughout
his life, it's important he gets the message
that all of his emotions are valid. Rather than
forcing him to constantly smile or laugh, we
also need to show him we're receptive to his
sadness, fear or other painful emotions. Let him
know you understand how he's feeling, and show
him with your words, facial expressions and
gestures that you respect and understand his
genuine feelings.
With toddlers and school-age boys, we need to
ask questions -- "What happened?" "Are you
feeling sad about something?" "What's making you
unhappy?” -- and, again, express our
empathy -- "Gee, that sounds unfair!" "I'm sorry
it hurts so much." We also need to use a broad
range of emotion words -- happy, sad, tired,
disappointed, scared, nervous -- rather than
limiting our discussion of emotions to words
such as "anger" that force boys to channel the
gamut of their feelings into one word and one
emotion.
Avoid teasing or taunting your son
When a boy expresses vulnerable feelings,
avoid teasing or taunting him. While its natural
to want to be playful with our sons, and though
showing him a sense of levity and good cheer
sometimes helps him to overcome unpleasant
feelings or situations, by and large it's
important that we not "cut off" his painful
emotions by teasing or taunting him.
So, for example, when he comes home and
complains that his teacher told him he needs a
haircut, rather than teasing that he "sure looks
like a real fuzz ball," ask him how his
teacher's comments made him feel, hear him out,
and tell him that you too don't appreciate what
the teacher said. Ask him if he'd like to talk
about it, and if so, listen to what he'd like to
share with you and try to mirror back in an
empathetic way the feelings you sense he's
trying to convey. Teasing and taunting rarely
heal the boy. Empathy, however, goes miles to
help him learn how to express and cope with a
broad range of feelings.
Avoid using shaming language
Research, as well as everyday observation,
reveals that parents often -- although
unintentionally -- use shaming language with
their male children that they do not use with
girls. It's important to find ways to talk with
boys that do not shame them, and that they can
respond to. If a boy does something that
surprises or concerns you, a natural reaction is
to ask, "How could you do that?" But that
implies that the act, whatever it was, was wrong
and casts the boy in the role of the evil
perpetrator. Rather, you might ask, "What's
going on?" or "What happened?" which suggests
that you have not formed a judgment about the
situation under discussion.
Look behind anger, aggression and
rambunctiousness
In so many cases, a boy who seems angry,
displays a lot of aggression, or is constantly
rambunctious is indirectly asking for our help.
If you notice a boy who's acting in such ways,
try to create a setting where he'll feel
comfortable talking with you and then ask him
how things are with him. With a young boy, you
might not be able to ask him a lot of direct
questions -- and he may not yet be able to talk
about feelings in a clear way -- but try your
best to get a sense of what he's feeling.
For instance, if you notice that your son has
seemed angry a lot lately, you might say, "Gosh,
you've seemed upset a lot. Is everything OK?"
Try to get a sense of what might be deeper, more
vulnerable feelings that are motivating his
anger or rowdy behavior. You might even tell him
that sometimes when we act irritably or show
aggression, we might be feeling sadness or other
upset feelings.
Express your love and empathy openly and
generously
Despite all the messages you might receive
about "letting go" of your son, of not staying
too attached to him, of not "babying" him, you
simply can never show him too much love or
empathy. Cutting off your affection and support,
to let him "stand on his own" can actually
traumatize him. Tell your boy that you love him
as often as you like. Give him hugs.
Tell him you're proud of him and that you
care about him. Stay involved in his emotional
life. Seek opportunities to connect with him for
moments of playful closeness and emotional
sharing. If he asks you to let him alone, give
him the space that he needs, but let him know
that you love him very much and that when he's
ready to spend time together, you'll be up for
it. You cannot "spoil" you son with too much
love or attention. You will not make him
"girl-like" or "feminine" by maintaining a close
relationship. There's simply no such thing as
too much love!
Let boys know that they don't need to be
“sturdy oaks”
So many boys, even at a very young age, feel
that they need to act like a "sturdy oak." When
there are problems at home, when he suffers his
own failures or disappointments, or when there's
a need for somebody who's physically or
emotionally "strong" for others to lean on and
he feels like he has to be that support, the boy
is often pushed to "act like a man," to be the
one who is confident and unflinching.
No boy should be called upon to be the tough
one. No boy should be hardened this way. So
through thick and thin, let your boy know that
he doesn't have to act like a "sturdy oak." Talk
to him honestly about your own fears and
vulnerabilities and encourage him to do the
same. The more genuine he feels he can be with
you, the more he'll be free to express his
vulnerability and the stronger he will
become.
Create a model of masculinity that is
broad and inclusive
Despite all the narrow messages about "being
a guy" that they may get at school, on
television, or elsewhere, you can help boys to
create their own model of masculinity. Try to
help them develop a model that is broad and
inclusive. Try to do for them what we have done
for girls by valuing them as people before
evaluating them as a distinct (and therefore
restricted) gender.
This means encouraging boys in all their
interests, relationships and activities. It
means letting them know that "big guys do cry."
It also means exposing boys to people who bend
society's strict gender rules -- to men who are
nurses, women who are plumbers, girls who are
"jocks", boys who cook, and so on. Boys
especially benefit from getting to know adult
male "role models" that exude masculinity in a
genuine and expansive way.
When you give your son a sense that there's
no one single way of being "manly," you're
helping him develop confidence about how he
really is. You're letting him know that no
matter what he enjoys doing, whom he likes
spending time with and what sorts of feelings he
experiences, he's a "real boy" on his way to
becoming a "real man.
—by Dr William Pollack, US
This article also at
http://www.supportingoursons.org/
Citation
— Pollack, W. (2003). Understanding the boy
code. Torque, 3(1), February
2003.
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