"Kevin and I met five-and-a-half years
ago, and spent four years as a lesbian couple,
complete with commitment ceremony. After the
ceremony, Kevin told me he wanted to transition.
And thus began the journey that led me here..."
Liz: Okay, let's start
with some romance... How did you & Kevin
meet? Was it love at first sight? Fireworks
going off, etc?
Sandra: We met at work!
Kev was the spunky new kitchen hand, and I was
the cafe manager. He said he was only in Sydney
for a short stay. He spent a lot of time
convincing me that he wasn't interested in a
relationship, that he was focussed on joining
the Navy, and then he asked me out. We went and
saw Titanic, played some pool, and went home
together. I was his first attempt at a one-night
stand! We clicked straight away, and we've been
inseparable ever since.
Liz: How long have you been together? Did the
relationship pre-date Kevin's transition or was
it the other way around?
Sandra: Five-and-a-half
years. For our third anniversary we got matching
tattoos, for our fourth, we got married, and for
our fifth, we spray-painted our initials in
Camperdown Park! Kev started transitioning over
a year ago. Maybe for our sixth anniversary we
could get legally married…
Liz: How did you become aware of Kevin's
desire to transition and what were your feelings
initially about his plans?
Sandra: Kev saw the
book of photos by Loren Cameron at a friend's
house, and he recognised the bodies in it as how
he saw himself, and what he wanted to look like.
When he told me I was pretty upset. He said that
it was just about changing his body, but I knew
the implications would be much broader than
that, and I didn't want to block his journey by
putting limits on what I could or could not cope
with. In other words I completely freaked out! I
didn't know how I was going to handle being with
a man, as I had turned my back on the world of
men some years ago. I was very upset, but I also
wanted to be supportive, and stay together if we
could.
Liz: Has your
attitude evolved at all since you were first
introduced to the concepts of TS (or TG?) and
transition? How?
Sandra: I've never had
any opinion on transitioning as such. I'm fairly
open-minded, and I think people should be able
to do whatever they want as long as they're not
hurting others. My opinion as to how it affected
me has changed. I wanted Kev to stick to the
queer side of things, but I found that holding
onto the small ways in which Kev is not like a
man was destructive, as I was too invested in
his journey and how he felt about himself, and
it led to a lot of arguments and unhappiness. I
guess you could say my attitude has changed from
brute panic to a great deal of
acceptance.
Liz: Did you have any concerns for Kevin, for
yourself or for the relationship before
transition started? And if you did have
concerns, what were they?
Sandra: My concerns
were that our relationship was going to fall
apart. In particular I felt that if I didn't
come to an accommodation with transition, that I
would be the one leaving, and that I would be
the unsupportive cause of our break-up.
Intellectually I felt that I didn't have the
right to have any objections, but emotionally I
was objecting all over the place! I was also
concerned about the health issues that come with
transitioning, and the costs. I was worried that
there would be periods of unemployment, and that
the surgeries would be expensive.
Liz: What was
transition like from your perspective? Would you
say transition is complete now? How long a
process was it or has it been? What were some of
the highs & lows? Scary bits, exciting bits,
funny bits?
Sandra: Transition is
still not over. Most of the hormonal and
emotional changes seem to have stabilised now,
so it's getting a bit easier. I was upset
recently because I'd set a year in my mind as
the time it would take for our relationship to
return to "normal" and it still hasn't (will it
ever be the same?!), but we talked honestly
about that and I feel better about us now. I
wouldn't call much of the last year a "high". It
has been good to see Kevin feel better about
himself, he's much less depressed that he used
to be, but he has also been periodically
stressed about transitioning issues, so one
balances out the other most of the time. The low
was when we broke up for 24 hours! I moved all
my clothes over to a friend's house, only to
bring it all straight back home. That was a good
thing for us though I think, because it was so
awful to break up it gave us more motivation to
make it work out. The most fun bit of
transitioning for me is that I get to give the
needles! There's nothing like sticking a needle
in someone's butt to rid you of any lingering
resentment!
Liz: What have
been some of the notable responses from those
close to you regarding Kevin's TS or TG
background and/or transition? If there have been
any difficult situations, how have you handled
them? What about support services, counsellors
etc - have you felt supported?
Sandra: All of our
friends have been really supportive of us both,
and helped me through some of the darker
moments. My mother doesn't understand, but it
doesn't bother her either. My dad has added it
to the list of reasons why Kevin is not a
suitable partner for me (but that list was long
and stupid way before transition). The hardest
times have been for Kev at work (more in
stressful anticipation than an actual horrible
experience, everyone there has been really
understanding), and he has had to do that alone,
although I try to be supportive from home. We
went to a counsellor at the Gender Centre, but
she was very negative, advising me that we
wouldn't make it. Apparently that can be a
common problem in relationship counselling, (it
was in Spectrum last weekend), so I'm
trying not to be bitter, but it was the last
thing I wanted to hear when I was already really
upset. I think you need to talk to the
counsellor you are thinking of seeing, before
you start, about what you want out of
counselling, and what your goals are.
Liz: Has
transition changed Kevin in any way?
Sandra: Depression is
less: Kevin has joined the gym, stopped smoking,
become more active.Anger: Anger went off the
Richter scale early on, which I think was the
low T dose they make you start on, because it
largely disappeared after his dose went up. Now
his anger is normal, and no greater than my
level of day-to-day snappiness.Libido: High and
higher still! This probably causes the most
arguments between us, although I'm starting to
appreciate the benefits of having lots and lots
of sex…Emotions: I think he is connected to
his emotions differently now. There used to be a
lot of stuff we just instinctively knew about
each other, but now we have to talk a lot
more.
Liz: How has
Kevin's experience of TS or TG affected you?
What challenges has it brought to your
relationship and to you personally? Has this
aspect of your relationship affected you as a
couple and / or you as an individual in positive
ways? Has it taught you new things about
Kevin?
Sandra: One of my
friends described this journey as being an
amazing opportunity for self-growth. At the
time, I wanted to kill her, because I had had
enough growth, I just wanted to go back to how
my life used to be! But it has been good for my
soul. I've had to change a lot of the ways I
thought about myself, and become even more
immune to how others see me. Our relationship is
still really strong, which I am very proud of
and amazed by. Now I feel like we can get
through any obstacle that life can throw at us.
I have also learnt not to underestimate my
partner's ability to grow as a person. He
constantly surprises me with his level of
insight and love.
Liz: Has being
in this relationship taught you anything about
yourself? Did it cause you to question your own
identity at any time, and if so what conclusions
have you drawn from it all?
Sandra: My identity is
in a complete mess! I now say that I identify as
nothing, not that I think of myself as nothing,
but I do feel like a chameleon, and in a group
of one. I never felt like I fit in when I was
growing up, and I guess I still feel like that.
I'm not straight; in that straight to me
has connotations that I disagree with, as a
feminist, and personally. I felt cast out from
that world, and I'm not sure how that all sits
with me now. I greatly enjoyed being a lesbian,
because it gave focus and voice to my sense of
difference, but I don't feel like I belong there
either anymore. Also, lesbianism and
straightness depend for their definition on
there being only two genders, and that doesn't
make sense to me anymore. It's like being with
Alice in Wonderland: once you walk through the
gender looking glass, nothing ever looks the
same again... (that is not necessarily a bad
thing, it can be quite liberating, but it does
put you outside what the rest of the world
understands about gender.)I'm not sure I want to
broadcast the nature of my relationship now in
the way that I did when I was gay. Gay is quite
socially acceptable now, but trans stuff gets a
Jerry Springer type reaction from a lot of
people, and I find that exhausting. So there you
go, one confused chameleon.
Liz: This is a leading question (!) but would
you say transition can be an egocentric time for
one's partner? Have you felt at any stage that
your needs and concerns (not just in relation to
TS or TG) have been overlooked or overshadowed
by what's been going on for Kevin?
Sandra: I like this
question!!! Are you trying to tell me something
about your own experience Liz?! ["No
comment"…Liz] I do think trans stuff
takes a very large amount of mental space, and
that's just how it is. Kev did listen as I cried
and yelled, but how could he respond when the
thing that is making me unhappy is the process
that is leading him to inner peace? I lost a lot
of weight, and I was quite miserable, but as the
T cloud has lifted, balance has been restored to
our relationship. I never felt like Kev didn't
care, only that he didn't have the capacity to
worry about me as well as his own stuff. If
anything, I think Kev spent that time fearing
that I might leave him, and worried that he
couldn't make it any easier for me.
Liz: What have you learned about TS or TG,
that you would like the average person to
understand?
Sandra: I think it is
safest and easiest for the average person to
understand transitioning in the TS sense, as
that is its least threatening and the most
palatable form. Birth defects that are
correctable are quite acceptable to most people.
Personally, I don't think that TS or TG is that
simple, and for a lot of men, the journey is
very complicated and doesn't finish in the same
place. But I don't think the world is quite
ready for non-binary gender.
Liz: What do you love about Kev ?
Sandra: He's a
wonderful, funny, smart, cute and sexy guy! I
wouldn't be with anyone else...
Liz: What is your life together like? An
average week?
Sandra: I go to uni and
work during the week, and Kev works at the post
office. Every night we come home, Kev goes to
the gym, we walk the dog, do the shopping, cook
dinner, watch telly, hang out. On the weekends
we clean the house and see our friends. It's
pretty relaxed, until it gets to exam time, of
course!
Liz: What are your plans, hopes and dreams
for the future?
Sandra: I want to go
overseas to work when I finish my degree, as
there's more work overseas than in Australia.
Kev is keen on the idea, but we also want to fit
in a uni degree for him, so the timing could be
a little tricky. We want to travel, own a house,
and stay together for a very long
time!
Liz: Is there anything else you'd like to say
to partners, parents, family or friends?
Sandra: Transition is
ultimately a positive experience. It enables the
person you love to be truly happy, (or at least
happier than they were!). In the end, they will
seem more like themselves than ever
before.
