TO
resolve my persisting "gender dysphoria," I
contacted the Harry Benjamin Foundation in New
York City and made an appointment to see an
endocrinologist there. It was Dr. Charles
Ihlenfeld, professional associate of Dr. Harry
Benjamin (the "Father of Transsexuals") - who
was about to retire. Near the end of October,
the good doctor interviewed and examined me in
his downtown Manhattan office and gave me a
prescription for biweekly injections of
testosterone enanthate - as well as my first
hormone shot. (My older brother and his wife has
come along to give their consent because I was
not yet 21 - the legal age of majority in New
York state at the time.) Well, I think that day
that I got my first dose of the "wonder drug"
must have been one of the "peak experiences" of
my life - talk about gender euphoria!
Gradually, over the weeks and months, my
"bloody" periods stopped forever, my muscles got
harder and stronger, my hips got narrower and
straighter, and my ass got smaller and firmer.
Body hair sprouted all over the place (I became
hairy as an ape), and a moustache and beard
started to come in (I could now shave "for
real"). My Adam's apple grew bigger and my voice
dropped (I thrilled to the sound of its low
register). Oh yes, and my libido shot up sharply
(it really danced the Lambada now!),
coincidental with my ever-growing and acutely
sensitive "little prick." Hell, was I horny!
Before male hormones, sex used to be all in my
mind, afterwards it was all in my "head."
Puberty, the first time round, was sheer hell!
But this - this was absolute heaven!
As a "new man", I felt that I "passed"
perfectly, and also perhaps that I might be
moderately attractive (slightly handsome even?).
My self-appraisal, apparently though, was not
shared by any of the scholastic young ladies
whom I approached, and they all turned me down
when I asked them out on a date. How fragile is
the male ego!
After a year of the "real-life test" had
elapsed (living and working - or going to
school, in my case - full time as a man), I was
scheduled to got to New York again, in August of
1972 - this time to undergo the bilateral
mastectomy performed by Dr. David Wesser. As the
date of my operation drew closer and closer each
summer's day, I literally sweated out the wait
in agonized anticipation. That hot summer sun
really baked me from June right through August -
especially the breasts, which were covered over
by the binder (and this was made out of a heavy
cotton tea towel). On occasion, I can recall, it
was all I could do to stop myself from grabbing
those hated "hills of flesh" and ripping them
off my chest with my bare hands! (I was a size
34c).
The night before my surgery, while I was
lying in the hospital bed, it seemed as if I was
on the threshold of a dream…The following
afternoon, after I woke up, still groggy from
the anaesthetic, I felt like I had died and gone
to heaven - my dream had come true! I was male
(at least, partly so) Once again, I felt a deep
rush of "gender euphoria".
Editor
Notes - Rupert Raj began living full
time as a man in Ottawa in 1971 and the
following year, at the age of 20 he was
surgically reassigned to a male in Yonkers, New
York. He founded three organizations and three
periodicals: Foundation for the Advancement of
Canadian Transsexuals & Gender Review: The
FACTual Journal; Metamorphosis Medical Research
Foundation & Metamorphosis Magazine; and
Gender Worker/Gender Consultants & Gender
Networker (newsletter).
