My name is Ross. I am a chunky
46-year-old male. I live in central West NSW. I
was born female but never identified as such.
Today
At the moment I am a student at TAFE doing a
Certificate IV in Alcohol and Other Drugs. I am
also looking for work in the Welfare/computer
area, but any job will do; Newstart does not pay
well. This course is not as interesting as the
previous Welfare and computer courses I have
done, but I hope it will help me find work.
Family Life
My immediate family was not close and we did
not mix all that much with cousins or other
relatives. Today there is only my brother and
myself and we are fairly close. We have also
become close to my mother's side of the
family.
The illness of my mother during my School
Certificate year and her subsequent death four
years later played a significant part in my
life.
She was important to me and helped shield me
during some family arguments and disagreements.
She was the stable force in our family. I think
she understood me.
I had moved away from home only five months
before she died. I still have a set of photos I
feel guilty looking at, as I had taken them to
show her, her beloved garden and never developed
them before she died. She specifically asked for
those photos.
I feel very much a part of all
communities/families, as I am very open and
accepting of everyone's point of view and
appreciative of where each person is coming
from.
School Days
I was educated at a state primary school in
Sydney. My first year at High school I was sent
to a private girls' school in Sydney, as a
boarder.
I hated it. I loathed it. I was so miserable.
I was so angry with my family for 'dumping and
abandoning' me. A feeling that took many years
and some close family discussions years later to
overcome but was never totally resolved.
Having to share with others girls, be treated
as a girl and share a dressing room with other
girls was embarrassing and humiliating. (The
dressing room had some advantages though!) I was
eventually expelled from this school, (much to
my relief), for "picking on the juniors", but
most importantly, "for hitting a prefect!!" - a
crime of which I was innocent.
I was then sent to another smaller private
alternative school in Sydney, which was really
good for me, as they accepted me and encouraged
me to be part of the class group and the school
community. And that feeling of acceptance was so
important!
Leaving Home
My move away from home in Sydney to the
Central West was significant as it gave me my
first sense of independence to lead the life I
wanted without the family wanting me to do
something different.
It took five years to be accepted into this
community, but the wait was worth it in the end.
The fact that I tried to fit in assisted me in
later years.
I always dressed in as much of the male way
that I could get away with. I had relationships
with other men as a women and how I envied them.
But I never had children - something now I look
back on and regret.
My song has always been Simon and Garfunkel
"I am a Rock, I am an Island" - 'for a rock
never hurts and an island never cries'. I
tried so hard to be strong and tough but spent
many nights crying myself to sleep because I was
not what I wanted to be.
My personal inspiration has come from the
many other trans people who have transitioned
before me and who can speak out publicly to
improve the lives of the rest of us who are not
necessarily in the position to do the same.
Realisation
I realised I was meant to be a boy by the
time I was 2 years old. My brother was born 18
months after me, and my parents were very
traditional in their upbringing of their
children. Girls were treated and expected to act
one way, boys another.
To me this was always so unfair. I was a boy,
but I was treated as a girl. I have so many
memories of being excluded while my brother was
included in so many male dominated activities,
while my poor mother tried so hard to feminise
her rebellious tomboy daughter.
It never really worked. I have memories of
many arguments with my mother about what to wear
to functions such as weddings. She usually won
and I suffered the function in a dress with a
pair of boys' shorts underneath!
Challenges
Most of my life has been a challenge trying
to suppress my maleness under a dress, or to fit
in socially as society saw me physically as a
female. It has not been easy, as those of you in
the same situation know. I transitioned in 1989
and changed my name by Deed Poll. I started
taking testosterone the same year.
Transition
I first started on testosterone injections
and a weekly visit to the local doctor and
nurse. I then went onto tablets and I am now
taking Andriol capsules. My doctor has recently
asked me if I had considered implants. I am
considering it and need to speak with my
endocrinologist first. I find the capsules the
easiest to use. (I don't like needles,
particularly the big, long ones!) and they are
more convenient for me at this point in
time.
I never thought that shaving would become a
'chore', but it has, although I am lucky enough
to get away with shaving every two to three
days.
The worst parts of the transition were having
to convince my family that I was what I said I
was, and the pain of the operations. My father
was the hardest to convince - he saw the medical
psychiatrist, trying to talk me into transition
rather than out of it! And he was never totally
convinced.
My brother was supportive, as he had always
known how I felt. It did split our family to
some degree. The first Christmas after I
transitioned, my father's sister range my father
while I was on my way to Sydney and suggested it
would not be a good idea if I joined the family
at her place, as it might upset and confuse the
children. My father was really upset about this.
I was surprised but not upset.
I insisted he and my brother go over to my
aunts and enjoy themselves. They did and I
enjoyed the best Christmas day sitting on the
verandah with my shirt off and in a pair of
shorts basking in the cool sea breeze while they
roasted in a small high-rise unit.
I spent two weeks with those children and
their mother a month later in Queensland without
any hassles at all. Another worst aspect is not
being able to father children. That would be my
only regret.
The best part of transition was the freedom
of being able to be me. And to have the freedom
to go around without a shirt (no bosoms!) To be
recognised physically as to what I identified
within. The mental turmoil of trying to be
something I was not, was no longer the issue it
used to be.
The biggest difference in my life since
transition is being able to be myself without
hiding the true me from others. I am no longer
as shy as I was. I can look people in the eye
and be assertive. I go out to people now rather
than wait for people to come to me. The joy in
hearing "can I help you Sir?" knowing that it is
I who is being spoken to is still a thrill. I
live with a certain amount of depression, which
is controlled by medication and hoping to be
overcome sometime in the near future.
Surgery and Medical Care
Surgeries I have had so far have been the
double mastectomy and oophorectomy. I was unable
to have the full hysterectomy as I had not had
children and the surgeon was afraid to remove my
uterus without causing damage to my pelvis. So I
am still stuck with having to have a pap smear
whenever. The mastectomy was done in 1991 and
the other in 1994.
Supportive Workmates
My coming out experiences were hard work. I
was working as a Community Bus driver. In order
to change, my work mates were first told before
the first operation and all questions were asked
and answered over a period of 6 to 8 months.
Then the organisations and clients I carried
for those organisations needed to be informed.
This was done by talking individually and face
to face with each of the organisations that then
in turn went back to their clients and repeated
the process.
My transition was done over the time I was
off work with the first operation in 1991. I
would be leaving as Ros and coming back as Ross.
M workmates were very supportive of both the
clients and myself. An agreement was made that
if what I was doing proved detrimental to the
Service then I would resign. I did eventually
resign after 10 years' service driving the
Community Buss, four years as a female and six
years a male.
I consider I am one of the lucky ones in the
workplace. I had, and still have, many friends
in this town who supported me, took a lot of
flack on my behavlf and protected me from that
flack. I did not know just how much I missed out
on until years later during a conversation, when
the subject came up and a friend told me.
Transitioning is a time when one finds out
who are your true friends and the true value
behind that friendship. I have chosen to stay in
the town I transitioned in because of these
friends and those who would not, could not, did
not want to tolerate or understand me are slowly
coming around and accepting me. It has taken
many years but the effort has been worth it.
My close friends still cop a lot of flack and
my closest friend has missed out on a social and
work opportunities due to her friendship with
me. This is humbling for me and also gives me a
huge confidence boost that someone thinks enough
of me to stand by me under this sort of duress.
And this gives me the understanding and empathy
to support her.
Since transition, most of my expectations
have come up since transition. Hopefully one day
with all the advances with stem cell
experimentation, us FTMs will be able to grow
our own male genitals. Who knows what could
happen from there?
Advice for new men?
Believe in yourself. YOU KNOW how and what
YOU feel, how YOU identify, what YOUR own
beliefs are. Don't get trapped into emotional
blackmail from anyone.
It is so important to be open and honest with
yourself, your friends and your family. Family
CAN be so supportive if you are open and honest
with them. They can NOT be too. Blood families
who are not supportive at first, can, over time,
come round and/or be replaced with other
family.
I have many Mums and Dads, grandparents,
aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters who are
not blood relatives. And I love them all
dearly.
If you are trying to come to terms with your
gender identity, ask yourself WHO YOU would most
comfortably identify yourself with. In your
dreams, are you the male or are you the female.
If you identify as both, you could well be
bisexual. And there ain't NOTHING wrong with
that either!
It is important to find someone you can trust
to bounce your feelings off, and to help you to
get started when you are ready, whether that
person be family, friend or counsellor. But find
someone.
Suicide is NOT an option. Been there, tried
that, didn't work. The only person you are going
to hurt is yourself. You have so much to give,
particularly when you 'sorted yourself out', to
you family, friends, local and trans communities
and everyone else. You have something many
'normal' people do not have; you are in touch
with yourself, your gender and your sexuality.
Explore it, enjoy it and tell the world that you
are YOU and as much a contributing member of the
community as they are, if not more so, because
you have the empathy and understanding that they
do not have.
After all, who has the problem accepting you,
you or them? If it is their problem then leave
it to them to solve it. If they come to you be
open and honest about everything they ask you.
If you do not know an answer, say so and if you
feel inclined to find out, say so.
Spirituality
I believe there is a God, or Great Creator,
who has created us all, hetro, trans, bi , gay.
We have all been created who we are, regardless
of the society in which we live.
I like to think that many centuries ago and
in some societies, we are accepted a lot more
and are honoured a lot more as Shamans etc. I do
not believe there are accidents in nature or
freaks, but that everyone and everything is born
for a reason or purpose. And that reason or
purpose is not to be isolated form the society
to which they are born.
I expect my future to hold more happiness
than my past has. I have learnt so much about
myself and I have increased my confidence and
self esteem. I would like to go into a
relationship one day, which holds the commitment
of marriage and children.
I have learnt to be myself and I do not have
to answer to any person or give any excuses for
who or what I ma. I am Ross. What you see is
what you get and if you don't like it move away
and don't hassle me.
Socially, people are becoming more accepting
of changes and lifestyles different to the
'normal' hetero lifestyle. I think people are
questioning what is what is not 'normal'.
There will always be differences between male
and female. There will always be those who cross
from one to the other and will have that
understanding of where they have been and where
they have come.
I am a man. I am because I identity as male.
Society as I know it, identifies me as male, and
one day I hope to be able to stand in front of a
mirror and physical be seen naked as male.
Because I do not have male genitals does not
make me less of a male as a man who does have
male genitalia.
I am a man because that was the way I was
born. What makes a man? What makes a woman? What
makes us who we are?
Life in General
Most of my time is usually full of mowing
lawns, cleaning the swimming pool, watering the
pot plants, cooking, washing and mucking out
stables. Not having a fulltime job at the moment
gives me the freedom to stretch the weekend
chores over the week.
I am involved with a Bed and Breakfast
business at home and find it fulfilling when we
have many guests who do not question my gender
or sexual preferences. We have had and will
continue to cate for the full rang eof the
community.
I relax in summer in the pool, using the
computer to create pamphlets, brochures etc for
my friends' business, maintaining the bed and
breakfast web site for our local association,
bicycle riding, learning the violin and
reading.
I love reading; it takes me away from my
present to somewhere different. My friend who I
board with here at home owns the home and while
we are only friends, we do support each other as
much as possible.
