"This is certainly not at all an
easy life you have ahead of you.”
These were the first words spoken to me by an
MTF friend of mine, when I eventually got up the
courage to come out to her. And I have only
recently begun to understand the depth of what
she was telling me.
I am so young. I have only just turned 18,
and yet here I am, having to seriously work out
where I want to be in my life in 15, 20, 30
years time.
I had the next few years of my life all
planned out. I was going to transition at work
(which I’ve done), legally change my name
(also now done), then in about five or six
months time, I was going to start T and a little
while after that, think about chest surgery.
Then life was supposed to be all
‘peachy-keen, jellybean’!
I hadn’t really left any space in this
plan for any sort of long-term relationships
with anyone.
I just wanted to get on with life, without
giving thought to having someone else involved
in my life to any great extent. But now I have a
boyfriend. And at the moment it seems to be
pretty serious stuff. So it’s no longer all
about me, me, me. My journey is now also his
journey.
Our relationship has also brought up another
issue which hadn’t even occurred to me at
all before now. I already knew that T shuts down
the reproductive system. I was aware of that,
but I guess the full consequences of it
hadn’t quite ‘clicked’. A few
days ago, I realised that if I want to have a
biological child of my own, it’s pretty
much now or never, because once I start T, my
chances are shot.
I’ve spent these last few days quite
lost, bewildered and confused. I have had so
many thoughts swirling through my head,
completely unable to make sense of them. Do I
really want a child? I’m still a kid myself
– I couldn’t handle it now. But if I
don’t do it now, I won’t be able to.
And could I even handle being pregnant?
Could I handle nine months of being so
painfully aware of how female my body is?
Especially since I have been so adamant about
denying it for so long, just wanting T so badly,
so that I wouldn’t have to worry about the
people on the street, at the supermarket or on
the phones at work, doing double-takes, trying
to figure out whether I am male or female.
And then I became worried about how it would
affect the relationship between me and my boy.
Much as we are both sure that ‘this is
forever’, our relationship is still very
much in its infancy. We are still learning how
we tick, who we are. A child would bring an
entirely new dimension into it, and I know for
sure that we are not ready for that. Not
yet.
So what do I do? Is there another option that
would mean I could have the child I seem to want
so much, but delay it for a few years while
still preserving my own sanity?
I have bounced a few ideas off various
people, such as adoption. But most agencies
would be VERY reluctant to take on a ‘gay
couple’, regardless of which gender is on
my birth certificate (damn Victorian laws!).
Fostering is another option I am considering.
But both of those options skirt around the real
issue I am struggling with: A child who is
biologically my own offspring.
I’ve pretty much made up my mind though.
Keep my options as open as I can. My current
thoughts are to have my eggs harvested and
frozen, so that if I decide to, I would be able
to try to find a surrogate mother. But I have
also decided to hold out on the T for as long as
I possibly can. I’m thinking about trying
to hang out for 12 months, and then review it,
see how I feel then.
I may decide that I can’t hold off any
longer, but if I decide that I can hold out
until I’m about 25, I may consider doing
that so that I can then have my child, then
start T. And I am most certainly considering
Depo Provera as some sort of mild
‘sanity-saver’ to help get me
through.
It’s a very tough decision that I never
wanted to have to face at all, let alone at such
a young age. But I realise that whatever
decisions I make now will have a huge impact on
where I end up.
And I don’t want to regret having closed
doors to myself through sheer ignorance of the
consequences of my actions.
