Saggy socks, boundless energy and an
infectious smile - first impressions of my
future husband! Eight years later, and not much
has changed, but then again, a whole lot has
changed. I had been informed by mutual friends
before meeting him that he was in fact
‘he’ but had been born in the wrong
gender. Transitioning was the word tossed
around at that time. Although some terms and
jargon were unfamiliar to me, I was familiar
with the concept of transsexualism. After
meeting Mark and becoming quite good friends
with him over the next year after our initial
meeting, the concept of transsexualism became
much more a reality.
Mark is Mark. He is he; always has been.
It’s an innate thing, but his physical body
betrayed him. The countless hours of asking
“why” have not uncovered an answer
yet, but the fact is that the condition of
transsexualism exists along a gray continuum of
gender, and Mark is dipping the scales at the
male end of that continuum. So my experience in
transsexualism has been as friend, lover,
partner and now family.
As a friend, there was no question of who
Mark was. And there was no question that he had
an unfathomable path to follow to peace. I was
determined to be as supportive as possible along
this path. I remember being at Pride in San
Francisco. Mark, myself and another friend were
hanging out together that day. I met up with an
old friend during the day, and during all the
introductions, he thought that Mark and I were
together. It struck me as funny that this person
saw something in our energies way before we even
knew it!
An unforgettable memory that day was when
Mark happened to see the person who’s
picture had adorned his bedroom wall for so long
and who was such a role model for him. Mark was
so nervous that he wasn’t going to
introduce himself. I encouraged him to go, and
he finally did it - although I was just as
nervous for him as he was himself. This was a
huge thing he was doing. For the first time in
his life, the realisation that Mark was not the
only person in this world dealing with
transsexualism became a reality. And to see this
guy rollerblading along with no shirt on and an
awesome body was inspirational. It really was a
reality and not some far off unreachable dream
for Mark to physically portray the person he
is.
As a lover, transsexualism is a sensitive yet
unavoidable topic. Intimacy is fragile at any
time. I am female, but not by virtue of my
physical appearance. My physical appearance just
happens to correlate for the most part with my
innate being. Mark’s does not. Intimacy
involves a huge trust issue. In Mark ’s
mind, what did us being intimate mean for him?
For me it’s not a matter of acceptance, or
having to deal with anything
‘abnormal’. It’s a matter of
love. I love Mark with all that makes up my
being and being intimate with him is so intense,
so soul bearing. Yes, Mark is not exactly the
same as most other guys, but then again, neither
are they. I couldn’t find words powerful
enough to let him know that I didn’t see
him in a light different to that of any other
guy.
As a partner in every aspect of our lives and
now our own family unit, we are very much like
James and Jackie, or Jackie and Mary, or James
and David down the street. Rarely do I stop and
think - wow, my partner in life is
transsexual. That’s just not where
it’s at. I understand that it is a huge
deal, and an unimaginable load to carry, but
Mark, and every other transsexual person out
there is just that - a person. I love him for
the person he is, not because he’s
Transsexual. As a partner I feel incredibly
touched to be able to spend my life with someone
who has held such unique positions in this
world. Mark has seen this world from a
perspective that only a gifted minority have,
and for me to be able to share a life with a man
such as Mark is beyond words.
I don’t see the world or people in
generalisations and I don’t subscribe to
labels. Homosexual, lesbian, gay, straight,
bisexual, transsexual, man, woman, FTM, MTF,
transgendered, heterosexual whatever the box may
be - we are unique, individual beings, yet we
are all a part of the sum in the equation to
make the whole. Does it really matter what label
it is? I don’t much care for the label
Transsexual either. Although labels are
necessary in a certain context to facilitate
community, change, equal rights, and justice,
they can also be destructive. Yes, Mark was born
with a condition known as transsexualism. At the
risk of sounding clichéd, Mark is also an
incredibly unique man, and this uniqueness is
not borne of the fact that he lives with
Transsexualism, but by virtue of the reality
that he is genuine, intelligent, artistic,
logical, patient, funny, good looking, loyal,
compassionate, sensitive, open minded - I could
go on for days!
Names have been changed.
