At first glance, Henry Shawcross is
just another young gay man. This 26 year old
cricket-loving greenie is writing his Australia
PhD titled "Self-made men: the masculinity of
FTMs". It is anything but just academic
research for this bookish intellectual.
Realising that there was such a thing as
transsexualism when he was a teenage both
reassured this post-graduate research and scared
him.
'I finally knew why I felt like I did, but it
seemed like I would have to go through so much
just to be me," says Henry.
Like his subjects, Henry traces a sense of
difference between his sense of self and other
people's perceptions of himself back to early
childhood.
"I started to play with other children as a
toddler and felt myself identifying with other
boys, but would be referred to as a girl." It
wasn't until halfway through primary school, he
describes a feeling present most of the time, of
being 'weighed down by expectations that would
behave like a girl'.
Family Life
When he was three years old, Henry's parents
separate - an event he remembers with only a
sense of isolation. While his father moved to
Sydney, his mother raised him on her own in
Perth. As a child and a teenage, Henry was a
'shy and secretive' child. "I seemed to prefer
getting through life alone."
When Henry was in his teens, his father
returned to Perth helping him through "some
rough times at high school."
At eighteen he met his sister for the first
time, who was raised by adoptive parents. "Even
though we were raised apart, we really do feel a
sibling bond between us, and more than that,
we're great friends as well." Even since meeting
her, Henry says, "she has been the most
important part of my family. She has always been
supportive of whatever decision I have made
about transitioning and often been the only
family member I've felt really understood
me."
Transition - Almost
After turning eighteen, Henry took the plunge
and sought medical assistance from an
endocrinologist as well as undergoing two
psychiatric assessments - the usual medical
routine to start sex affirmation treatment. Once
cleared of any psychiatric basis to his gender
dysphoria, Henry was prescribed testosterone to
enable him to being transition. And then - he
put the brakes on. Henry Shawcross never had
that testosterone script filled.
He explains the reasons behind this decision:
"the negativity of being trans* overwhelmed me
so much that at twenty, even though I had just
got my first ever T script, I felt I couldn't'
live that way." For the next four years, Henry
worked hard to "accept living as female,"
immersing himself in femininity - skirts, heels
and dresses - dating men and women, even getting
engaged at one point.
"I have to admit (although I don't feel very
proud about it), that it just seemed "easier" to
say female, and I thought that, well if I could
survive being in my XX body and all the
associated societal normal that come with such a
body, maybe it was for the best. And that's what
happened." Henry describes his personal identity
at this time, "as a lot of things, or
nothing…"
Main Influences
Throughout these next four years, Henry
continued to live at home. He describes his
interaction with friends as a mostly negative
influence on his early experiences. "My
tomboyish behaviour and early attraction to
girls sparked homophobic reactions with teachers
did little to reduce."
"My sexuality has been the major influence on
my life, from attempted teenage flings with
girls because that was what boys did, to
gradually realising I was actually attracted to
men and then fluctuating between being a
bi-femme…and a bi guy before realising just
last year that I'm really gay."
"The other major influence is my education,
which has determined my income and my
independence," acknowledges Henry. After brief
flirtations with Computer and Math Science, then
Commerce Studies, a B.Arts at UWA awakened his
talent in History.
It was his honours project in 2002 - "The
Playboy of Camelot: John F. Kennedy's Sexual
History and Masculinity," that Henry says
"played quite a part in my transsexuality
catching up with me and my decision to resume a
male role."
"I realised that I couldn't escape my
masculinity…but I could escape stereotypes
of trans* people as having small and sad lives
solely concerned with their bodies. I'd actually
be far happier accepting myself as male despite
my physical nature," declares Henry.
Friends and Family
Never having shared his personal gender
issues and conflicts with his father, Henry's
revelation to resume his transition appeared to
be a sudden decision. Despite his newfound
resolution, friends and family found it
difficult to come to terms with his masculinity,
especially those who were aware of his history
eight years earlier.
"I was challenged by some friends and family
who knew about me living as male before and
wondered if I'd change my mind yet again later
on."
Even today, Henry admits, "in some ways I
would say, I still haven't quite 'transitioned'
fully with some of my closest friends and
family, in that I knew they are finding it
difficult to accept me as male. I put this down
to them knowing me in a female role in the
past."
At university and with people who have no
history of him living as female, "transitioning
has been much easier. I 'pass' 90% or more of
the time now, even though my voice hasn't broken
completely, and I go through daily life pretty
much like any other man does - something I
thought would be almost impossible a few years
ago."
Henry is disappointed that his family and
friends have been part of the most difficult
element of transition.
"The worst part of transitioning has been
discovering exactly what people closest to me
really value about me, and realising that not
everyone I thought I could depend upon cares
enough to understand why I'm doing this."
"I often feel they are judging my masculinity
by standards far harsher than they would apply
to a non-transman, and that they feel it isn't
enough just for me to claim to be male for them
to treat me as a man."
It has been through leaving home and living
separately to his family, that he believes his
relationship with his parents have improved.
"Both my parents have found it difficult to come
to terms with my masculinity but I think being
able to live independently in society as a man,
and seeing how much more at ease with myself I
am now, has helped them realise it was the best
thing I could do. My family relationships have
changed quite a bit.
Transition and Testosterone
Given his previous decision eight years ago -
this year, 19 February "T" day has been an
important milestone for Henry.
"Changing my name legally was the best part
of transitioning - I just felt so much better to
have all my paperwork and ID in the name I've
been calling myself since childhood."
Henry's endocrinologist favoured the 'ramping
up' method to start him on testosterone.
Introducing the new hormone into his body
gradually with the use of testosterone 'patches
(Androderm) to 'ease into' the physical
changes". "Unfortunately, I had an allergic
reaction to the adhesive. I was then on capsules
(Andriol) until about a month or so ago. At the
T in these is supposed to bypass the liver and
they are more convenient to take them than
shots, again I was amiable to trying them
out."
Even with the switch to oral capsules, Henry
says, "a couple of months ago I began to feel
extremely tired and blood-tests revealed my
T-levels had fallen, so my GP switched me over
to the shots (Sustanon). I do think the shots
are accelerating the physical changes somewhat
and it is good not to have to worry about
forgetting to take the capsules, but I can see
how a visit to the GP every couple of weeks
might get tiresome after a while. Still, at this
stage from what I've read, they are better than
pellets, since I haven't had a
hysterectomy."
Most, if not all men require chest
reconstructive surgery. Henry looks forward to
this surgery. "I'm hoping to have my chest
surgery done perhaps around the end of next year
or after that: if I can't have it done on
Medicare then I would need much more money than
I have now.
Legal recognition for transsexual men as men
in Australia, currently requires them to undergo
an irreversible surgical procedure to restrict
them reproduction as female. Surgery of any
kind, for some transsexual men poses problems.
Henry explains, "I will have organs removed only
if I absolutely have to - my dislike of surgery
outweigh my dislike of having any "female" body
parts.
Again, lower surgery options pose similar
concerns for Henry. He judges the financial and
health costs to offset and completely overshadow
the likelihood of surgery.
"I'm not really happy with phalloplasty
procedures as they are now, but a metoidioplasty
does appeal; although again it's a question of
funding. I am hoping that there might be some
surgical advances in lower surgery in my
lifetime that I can make use of."
"For me, the most difficult part hasn't
actually been the physical transition, but
letting people know that I identify as male so
that I can live as a man in society."
Masculinity and Manhood
Now after acting on his decision to
transition medically. Henry observes a change in
the perceptions of society generally.
"Although I have been living as male on and
off throughout my life, it's only for about the
past year or so that I have been doing it day in
and day out and living as if I were raised
male."
Henry notices differences in people's
expectations towards him. "Now that I am
regarded by others as male - I feel a different
set of expectations has been placed on my
behaviour. It's easy to point out all the
superficial differences and it's also easy to
put them down to society/upbringing/culture, but
I do think there are deeper physiological,
beyond sex characteristics."
"While at one stage I used to believe that my
masculinity was just a superficial preference I
could control, the more I delved into the
masculinity of other (non-trans) men I realised
I had a lot more in common with them than I'd
thought." Henry relies less on the differences
between the sexes and more on the similarities
between himself, a man of transsexual
experience, and other XY men.
"What has been more surprising for me is how
little my outlook on masculinity has had to
change - and to realise how many other men,
trans or otherwise, have to go through similar
trials to express their own particular sense of
being male."
"I now consider myself a man without any
qualifiers," Henry concludes, "I'm not even sure
that my XX sex chromosomes are enough to
differentiate me from other men. I feel certain
there is physiological explanation for my
'transsexuality'. It might seem easier on the
face of it to lead a 'normal' life, but I don't
think you can really be happy denying your own
true self."
The Journey
Henry's personal journey has digress many
times. It's a journey, which so far, has led him
to a sounder sense of self. "I feel now that I
am much more true to myself and I force myself
to face up to any emotional issues that I'm
experiencing as a result. I do have problems
with depression and anxiety, which are not
entirely related to transsexualism. Previously I
(and the other psychiatrists I'd seen) assumed
it was just part of gender dysphoria, but I now
know, and am treating these issues as something
separate."
Today, Henry encourages others who have
embarked on this journey, "Just be yourself. It
sounds trite, but it's a difficult thing to face
up to who you really are. I think it's far more
important to focus on how you can best live your
life than to worry about what other people are
going to say or whether you fit into
preconceived notions of how men/ ftms/ trans*
people behave."
Future Plans
While he's not exactly sure where to after
the PhD, Henry hopes to move into the
interdisciplinary area of gender and cultural
studies.
"It's hard for me to imagine myself doing
anything other than academic research - ideally
I'd just like to write all day. It's very likely
that I'll end up doing something in academia -
teaching or research."
"My parents are from the UK and I'd like to
live there when I've finished my PhD. I am
hoping not to become a confirmed bachelor,
although I often suspect I will."
http://shawcross.org/
