My sister asked me last Christmas 'why
can't you just be a lesbian?' I told her, a bit
put out, 'because I'm NOT.' 'Transsexual' is a
misleading word. It does not mean you are SO
lesbian you think you're a man. To me it means
that whatever your sexuality, your taste in
music, your style of clothes, you see yourself
as a male.
The hardest thing for the people I've told to
understand is; How can I say I am male when I
have a female body?
Anyone whose body and gender have always been
in line with each other often presumes they are
the same thing. And they might not notice their
gender at all because it's effect flows smoothly
through them. But for a transsexual their gender
isn't co-ordinated with their body and so the
two are constantly grating against each
other.
It was hard for my parents to feel confident
that I had made the right decision in
transitioning. To them it seemed an enormous
disruption to my life and theirs. I think they
were frightened I was clutching at straws,
willing to try anything to feel better about
myself. I was not their image of an FTM
transsexual and so to them this was a revelation
coming out of the blue. But to me it seemed a
small, logical step as I had always had a clear
self-image of myself as a man.
The physical changes were a natural
development to me, like adolescence, only mine
was coming a bit later than usual. It was
important to me to help them to understand this.
I didn't want them to picture the transition as
the death of their daughter and the sudden
appearance of an oddly shaped, unfamiliar son.
Instead, I said to them, forget about gender for
a minute and imagine my life as one continuous
line. As this transition occurs only my body
will change; the 'me' part of me, which wouldn't
change if I lost both my legs in an accident or
gained 400 pounds, is not going to change
because I shave in the morning and my voice is
deeper. Think of it, I said, trying to find a
good metaphor, as if I were buying a new
overcoat, one that fitted me perfectly that I
loved. And I'm discarding the old one because it
was the wrong style and made me feel like I
looked a fool.
I struggle to find good metaphors because the
understanding of my family and friends is
essential. I don't want to be mistaken for
something I'm not, not by the people I am close
to at least. I have a shaved head but I would be
horrified if I found out that for the last six
years someone mistook this to mean I was a
neo-Nazi. So when I say 'transsexual' I want to
know people aren't hearing 'extreme lesbian' or
'delusionally unhappy' or 'isn't feminist
enough' or 'uncomfortable with her sexuality'
because I am none of these things. I encourage
everyone to ask me questions, get all their
prejudices and preconceived notions out in the
open, so we can talk it through.
It takes time. My certainty that
transitioning is the best thing in the world for
me cannot be easily communicated to others. I
can't MAKE them feel it. But they did not
dismiss the idea as ridiculous, and I appreciate
that immensely. I don't mind if they get the new
name wrong now and then, or say 'her' instead of
'his'. I know it takes some getting used to. But
by trying they show that they understand how
much this means to me. And the words have an
almost magical transforming power, the more they
use them, the more they begin to see me as
male.
