As a little kid I played with my
T-shirt off…wondering and playing without a
clue that to society this wrong until my dreams
were shattered. The day came that my mum gave me
a talk, girl to girl about the ways in which a
young girl must conduct herself…She said
"You are going to develop soon so you must start
wearing a T-Shirt."
From that day my exterior drove my life along
a path I had no control of. Like many I isolated
my visions and true self. I played in my dreams
freely expressing who I was, a young boy.
Years went by with me hiding more and more of
myself. My exterior self navigated all around
me.
I was taught to be a young woman. This was to
be a lonely time for my true self. I dived into
a fantasy world where I was a boy freely being a
boy - such a simple dream but so far to reach. I
imagined a mirror with me standing in front of
it as a man. I found peace in myself whenever I
imagined this.
I don't need to dream that any more… I
have tranquility in myself. I stand in front of
the mirror and see the man I imagined as a
teenager. I am the man I am… the man I want
to be… the means to an end… I finally
just am.
This is after a long struggle and journey
that I am finally able to say this. And I still
have a long journey ahead…but facing life
as my true self is so much easier.
Everything is so fresh, like the first time
you go to the beach or the first time you ride a
bus. The excitement for life is back like the
days I played without the knowing… just
being…
Two months ago I would not have said the
same. I was barely coping with my life… I
was in a very dark place. I felt like I was
running a marathon and trying to get through the
last 500 meters but I was not going
anywhere.
The reason for this was that I had been in
transition for two years and still did not have
my chest done… I had large breasts and
trying to hide them and deal with their
existence was eating me apart.
I was in conflict, torment and decomposing in
front of myself. As dealing with one self in
fragmented pieces was harder, like trying to
look into a Picasso painting and make reality
out of it.
Finally the date was set for my surgery. I
was like a kid awaiting Christmas
morning…each hour in each day was so
long… and I was finding myself going to
sleep early to pass the days quicker. A week
before I went in I was so calm and to my
surprise I was not worried. Being not worried
became my biggest worry. I did have moments of
concern mostly when I was talking about the day
to come with someone else.
The day came… I went to the hospital and
went to my room. It was like I was conducting
business not going in for surgery. I was so
collected. I have never been so calm in my
life…
The nurse came and gave me my gear to wear
and stuff to have a shower with… After
which I laid down and watched TV for a while.
The nurse knocked and said 10 minutes to
go… lucky because I was starting to go to
sleep - that was how calm I was…
Finally I was taken into surgery. I was
laying down thinking how stupid I must look with
this outfit and hat on. The nurses just kept
bugging me… and asking who I was? And did I
sign here… here… they're here… It
was getting on my nerves. Then I was taken to a
little area where I stayed there for a while
with some peace…until I got tapped on my
head by my surgeon.
She is a small woman with a nice demur about
her. She drew all over my chest and then left..
I got pricked and prodded by my anesthetist and
then I remember laughing into dreamland…
hehehehehehehe….
I remember people talking to me… telling
me what was happening. I remember these very
nice and calming massage machines around my
legs.
I remember the first thing that I said when I
woke up which was "Did everything go ok?" and
the nurse replied everything went fine.
I remember waking up to a child beside
me… screaming and snoring… The kid was
so bizarre like he was from the twilight
zone.
The first time I saw my chest was like an
awakening of the child that played without a
clue to the world. A feeling of freedom had
overwhelmed me… The light beyond had lit
up… It was not the A perfect sculptured
chest nor was it a master piece but it was my
chest…
I don't have no play-boy chest but it is
coming soon. As I have learnt that there is no
limit to molding one's vision - it's just up to
how hard you can hold onto it… and it does
get hard sometimes, but it all come together
when you least expect it…
