I am a 30ish year old guy who was
raised as a girl in the Western suburbs of
Sydney. I guess I’d call myself an
adolescent boy because I’m still learning
about “boy culture” and adjusting to
hormone changes.
I’ve always had a deep sense of being
male; or rather I’m further down the male
end of the gender line than female if that makes
sense.
Early Years
I think the things that have most shaped my
life were having an alcoholic father (now sober
and still with my mother), being sexually abused
by other and older “kids” in my
neighborhood, identifying as a lesbian, having a
mental illness which I have struggled with for
many years and being sexually assaulted in my
early thirties. On a positive note my great
aunts, my brother’s birth when I was 17, my
parents with all their faults and the friends
who have supported and loved me through thick
and thin.
I was educated in Western Sydney, my family
moved to the lower North shore when I was 16 and
I chose to complete year 10 in Whalan.
I was diagnosed with a mental illness
(Borderline Personality Disorder) at the age of
17. Around the same time I attempted suicide and
there have been to many attempts to count since
then. I have also suffered anorexia as a
teenager and began to self-mutilate about the
age of 5 or 6. I’ve suffered severe mood
swings for as long as I can remember and was
often angry and violent.
Looking back I believe that a lot of the
“problems” I faced where more to do
with the fact that I wasn’t comfortable
with myself and didn’t know why or how to
deal with my emotions.
My role models and inspiration have been my
friends and lovers over the years. I am also
extremely inspired by people who are not afraid
to be themselves, people who face discrimination
and hardship and still stand up to be who they
are. Oh yeh my great aunts, my mum who kept me
when every one said to adopt me out and my
brother who is the smartest kid I know.
Work Stuff
While I didn’t do so well at school,
last year I completed a Diploma of Community
Services at TAFE, which finally proved to me
that I am not dumb or stupid as I’d been
lead to believe.
I make a living as a community support worker
in the disability field, which I am very
passionate about, I enjoy being able to support
people to reach their individual goals. I’m
also involved in a program called ATLAS that in
short gives people with disabilities the
opportunity to find and utilize their abilities
through education, training and work
experience.
I am out to about 90% of people, at work I am
male and only a few people know and I
haven’t told some of my older relatives
because I think it would be to difficult for
them to grasp and a few have dementia so
I’d have to explain it over and over
LOL.
The most important social issues, well as a
welfare worker I could go on and on but to keep
it short I’ll just say that it is the way
minorities are viewed and treated. Technology
and the mighty dollar mean more than human
life.
Transition
I began to transition almost three years ago
(1999) although I’d felt
“different” all my life and never
really understood what it was. I came out as a
lesbian because I was attracted to women from an
early age and that has been a big part of my
life, I still socialize in the lesbian/queer
community and I don’t think I ever want to
loose that.
I’ve had a hysterectomy and have been on
T for just under three years, the hysterectomy
was very painful because I developed a secondary
infection and became very ill. I don’t
regret it though because prior to that I was
getting a period about every two weeks and I was
always very angry and experienced a lot of
pain.
In fact my mother could trace my mental
health episodes and self-injury to the times
when I was bleeding so it has been a major
change in my life. I started on shots but I have
just switched to pellets a month ago so I’m
still waiting to see how they go. Before
transition I expected to have more facial hair
but it has been a slow road for me, I still look
15 facial hair wise!
The best part about transition therefore has
been that I’m much happier and more
mentally stable now. That’s not to say that
I’m always totally well but I self injure
and attempt suicide much less after having
starting on testosterone and identifying as me.
In my early to mid twenties I was cutting at
least once a week and overdosing a hell of a
lot, it’s a wonder I’m still here.
My next step will be chest surgery but my
chest is small and easy to hide so the only time
it’s really an issue is in summer.
I’d probably say to most trans people or
people considering transition that yes there are
many positives but it can also be a difficult
road (note: be careful using the men’s at
Wynyard station in Sydney, they only have half
doors and people can look under LOL).
Family and Friends
Within the lesbian community I have had mixed
response, some women can’t and won’t
except me for me and I have tried to explain my
need to transition without success so I’ve
just left it. Others have been extremely
supportive and I now count many as friends.
My family finds it difficult to deal with and
still use the wrong pronouns and my former name,
which is painful, but they are slowly coming
around. I have a lot to do with my family and in
some ways we are very close although they still
have difficulties with my transition.
I have a teenage brother whom I adore and who
is slowly coming to terms with his sibling as he
now calls me. I have an extremely close
relationship with my two great aunts who have
been a major support throughout my life.
Faith and Religion
I was brought up catholic but have rejected
many of the churches out dated views for obvious
reasons. In my darkest hours I have often
thought that if there is a God he/she must have
made a big mistake when my genitals where given
out. I feel that if I were to die it would give
him/her a chance to make things right and I
would be born in the correct physical gender and
not have to go through all that I currently
am.
On the other hand it may be that this is my
cross to bear, to give me a wider understanding
or view of the world. What doesn’t kill us
makes us stronger right? I believe in
reincarnation, the soul lives on and is
essentially what makes us ourselves, which could
account for gender variations too. I draw my
spirituality from within and from different
religions.
The most important lesson I think I’ve
learned is that people can change if they really
want or need to but that change is a long
process that one needs to be ready to embrace. I
don’t just mean transitioning, my father
for example was a violent alcoholic when I was
young but is far from that now.
I also think that people need to understand
that it’s okay to make mistakes, life is
two steps forward and one back, it only becomes
a problem if we stay back.
Mental Health Stuff
I’ve actually had to educate many a
health and mental health
“professional” about gender issues.
This is a double-edged sword at times because on
the one hand I hope it’s useful for other
transmen and people but when one is really down,
explaining one’s gender can be very
distressing and compounds the issues I’m
facing.
If we as trans individuals ignore, bottle up
or reject the difficult issues then the issues
can blow up. Try and deal with the issues,
stress and emotions as they arise and don’t
be afraid talk about them or seek help.
Sometimes I think we as men bottle stuff up,
because “boys don’t cry”, but
that’s a societal stereotype we should
avoid for our own well being. By living up to
and buying into the stereotypes we confirm and
entrench them further, which makes life harder
for all genders.
So the biggest difference during my
transition is my attitude to my mental health
and myself. Less mood swings, self-injury, pain
and frustration, which has been fantastic.
As I said, I feel my mental illness was
closely related to my confusion about my body
and myself. Don’t get me wrong, I believe I
still have mental health issues but I am able to
manage them more effectively now that I’m
happier with who I am.
People sometimes say to me “you are
transitioning you should be happy” when
I’m down or going through a difficult
period and in a way those words make things
harder, I guess it’s kind of like saying
“if your depressed you should just get over
it.”
My general response to people who say stuff
like that is that for the most part
transitioning is a really positive thing for me
but as with any major changes one makes there
are times when it is difficult to cope.
Sometimes I experience grief and loss issues
and that may sound strange grief and loss can
come with change, I’m not saying that
it’s all grief but there are moments of
grief and loss and for mental well being such
issues cannot and should not be ignored.
Mental health is something I believe
trans-individuals cannot and should not ignore.
For me, people’s (or societies) inability
to accept me is a major factor in my mental well
being as I’ve often found that I’ve
self injured or attempted suicide when someone
has rejected me for me.
Labels
My labels now vary, I call myself transgender
in some circles and in others just Michael and
from there I allow people to draw their own
conclusions. If I’m asked I’ll tell
people I’m trans but if not I just leave it
to peoples imagination.
I don’t want to become “invisible"
because for me I feel that rejects in some ways
the life I’ve lived until transitioning and
that’s something I’m not totally
prepared to do.
I have a very loving and supportive female
partner at present but I’m probably
inclined to label myself as bisexual now
although I’m mostly attracted to women.
I don’t feel gender should come into
sexuality because sexuality is fluid. When one
is attracted to another person it shouldn’t
matter what is in their pants. I spent may years
identifying as primarily lesbian, even then I
was never opposed to meeting a man and having
fun or falling in love with him.
Mick Today
I live in Sydney in a small flat and dream of
owning my own house some day. I am as much of a
man as I chose to be at any given moment. My
girlfriend thinks I’m a male pig as often
as I feel like it.
My weekends are spent working, reading,
gardening, doing craftwork, seeing family and
friends or staying in bed! I relax in much the
same way.
I don’t have children although I’d
love to be a father some day. I do have a
goddaughter whom I adore.
My song\s would be I am what I am by Gloria
Gaynor or the song by the Cure that has a line
it that goes - Spiderman is having me for dinner
tonight.
My only real hope for the future is that I
continue to grow in my understanding myself and
to enjoy life.
As Mitch
said in his profile (August 2002 Torque)
“identity is an individual thing” and
each FTM individual should have the freedom to
seek their own space, develop it and grow with
it.
In my opinion people should do it in their
own time, deciding on each the steps they want
to take and in a time frame they want things to
take. Like say chest surgery for me, I’ll
know when the time is right and then I’ll
do it.
