"Well, you certainly seem happier
now.”
I swear this sentence — or one of its
ilk — has followed me like a shadow since I
began transition. Everywhere I turn, there it
is. My family members, my high school friends,
an ex-girlfriend or two... it seems everyone
remembers how depressed I used to be. This
acknowledgement seems to help sway people to
accept my Kyle-ness. Happiness apparently makes
for a good measurement of how “real”
my transsexuality is.
They say:
“Because Kyle looks a lot happier, he
must have done the right thing by taking
hormones, having surgery, and changing his
name.”
“Because Kyle seems much more content
with himself, transition must have been an
appropriate step in his evolution.”
What I hear is:
“Because Kyle seems to be happy, we
know he didn’t fuck up his whole life with
this transsexuality crap. But if he ever stops
being happy, we’ll know he’s made a
really big mistake. We’re watching and
waiting to see if that ever
happens.”
And that, dear readers, means there’s a
lot of pressure to be continually happy.
For those of you who didn’t know me
previously, I was GREAT at depression. I could
slip into a sullen state of mind as quick, and
as randomly, as lightning strikes. And like
lightning, those storms of depression caused
heavy duty damage. I drank, I did drugs, I
self-mutilated, and once I attempted suicide.
Depression and I were in an intimate, and
abusive relationship.
And I admit, like it or not, depression and I
are still occasionally in touch.
Please, don’t panic.
A wise friend recently told me that true
mental health is having the capacity to
experience a full range of emotions. Absolutely
true. Of course I still have sadness, sorrow,
anger and fear in my life. The difference is
that I am no longer ruled by the negativity of
those emotions.
Pissed off? I’ll just do some exercise
and work it off! Sad? So I’ll go have a
good cry. Fearful? Well, I’ve faced bigger
unknowns than whatever this particular trifle
could be.
I am just beginning to realize that I WANT to
show my true emotions to the world. Part of the
point of transitioning was to be more
authentically myself. No more pretense to
joy.
I’m allowed to show my unhappiness to
the world and it doesn’t have to mean
I’ve made some colossal error in judgement.
Maybe it just means that I, transsexual or not,
had one bad day.
—by Kyle Scanlon
Used with permission.
