Kenneth
MacFarlane, 19, is studying computer technology.
He lives in Nottingham.
I've been living as Kenneth MacFarlane for
seven months now. On my birth certificate,
I’m still a girl but I changed my name by
deed poll last August. It certainly wasn't easy
to suddenly start living as a man, even though
that's what I felt I should have been born. It's
only since
I met Kate, my fiancé, that I've had
the courage to make the change. This summer
we’re getting married, even though I’m
still physically a woman.
I met Kate in a chat room on the internet in
two years ago. I was role playing as a man
called Ken Palpatine - the Emperor
Palpatine’s grandson in Star Wars.
That’s how I chose my name. I asked her how
she was. She said: 'I'm having the worst day of
my life.' Her mum was ill, she was feeling
miserable and needed cheering up. I thought I'd
just found another internet friend.
About two weeks later Kate sent me a picture.
She looked really friendly. When she asked for
mine, I kept making excuses. I thought if she
saw me, she'd spot I was still physically a
woman, even if a masculine one at that. I'd felt
like a boy trapped in a girl's body since I was
little. When I was five or six I'd be climbing
trees, or playing with Action Man and He-Man. I
can still remember making my Mum call me Simon
at that age.
At 12, I went to an all girls private school.
I hated it. I felt like I didn't fit in and was
disgust as my female body developed. Besides,
what other teenage girl develops a line of hair
on her top lip and an Adam's apple?. I knew
there was something wrong but I didn’t know
what. It was only a couple of months before I
met Kate that I’d decided to find out.
I’d read about transsexuals in a magazine
when I was about ten but put it out of my mind
during my teens. I tried to be like the other
girls but it didn't work . Instead I’d go
home after school and shut myself in my
room.
Often I’d feel suicidal.
At 17 I’d also tried shaving in secret
and sometimes I’d sellotape my breasts flat
to my chest just to see what it felt like to
have a male chest. I also knew I fancied women
but I didn’t identify with lesbians. I
think meeting Kate on the internet made me
realise I had to find out what was wrong.
I’d started to fall in love with her and
didn't want to lie.
Soon afterwards I went to my local doctor to
ask about my gender crisis. He said it might be
a stage but I knew it was more than that. I told
my mum a couple of weeks later during a row. 'Oh
and by the way,' I shouted. 'Call me Kenneth.
That's who I am I should have been born a
boy.’
Mum looked shocked but didn't really say much
after that.
Kate and I had started talking on the phone.
People had mistaken my voice for that of a man
before so she never questioned it. I’d also
decided to send her a picture of myself by then
and she’d just said 'You're gorgeous!' I
thought: ‘My God! I really do look and
sound like a man!’ I got scared then. I
didn’t want to lie to her but I didn’t
know if I could tell her the truth. Instead I
completely cut all contact for three months.
The truth came out in August last year. One
night I got really drunk and phoned her: 'It's
Kenneth. 'I miss you. I love you,' I said,
before blurting out my confession 'There's
something you should know, Inside I’m a man
but physically I’m a woman. I'm a freak.'
Kate simply replied: 'Thank you'. I asked 'For
what?' 'Being honest,' she said. ' You're the
same person to me.'
With Kate’s support, I’ve been
seeing specialists. They think I might have been
born intersex which explains why I have male
characteristics like a moustache and large
Adam’s Apple. I’ve also got an
extended clitoris. It’s like being born
neither one sex nor the other. Since I found
that out in March this year, I haven’t
really spoken to my parents much about it, even
though I do suspect mum knew something.. I
remember her looking in a medical book when I
was about ten.
I flew out to Oklahoma to see Kate last
October. I asked her to marry me within an hour
of arriving. We felt like we'd known each other
all our lives.
The wedding is planned for July in Hawaii,
where it's legal for two women to marry, as my
birth certificate says I’m female. Then
I'll have the sex change operation. It’s a
long process, starting with testosterone
injections. The operation itself - called
Phalloplasty - involves grafting skin from your
forearm to construct a penis. I'll eventually
have my breasts removed.
The thought of it all scares me but it’s
something I’ve got to do. We’re
thinking of adopting a child, one day. I’d
want to be a proper husband, and a proper
dad.'
