RACHEL: What did it feel like
growing up and having people like your peers
treat you as something that you were not?
ANDREW: It was weird. I thought that I was
male and it made me feel really weird when
someone called me female. It's like, say,
someone kept on calling you a cat when you knew
you were human. That's how frustrating it
is.
RACHEL: When did you tell your
family?
ANDREW: I told mum in high school around Year
10. I think it was just because I was getting
sick of wearing dresses. Being female. Looking
in the mirror and not seeing what I expect to
see.
What did your mum say?
Nonsense. I saw you wearing a dress
yesterday."
Does she believe you now?
She did after I went to the doctors and asked
about it, and went to two other counsellors. She
thought about it, and thought maybe I was
actually not just trying to get attention.
How did you feel wearing dresses?
It felt like playing dress-ups, it felt like
I was in drag. It was a bit naughty, a bit
funny, but it just didn't feel right. I think I
kept doing it because I thought maybe I could
trick myself into thinking everything was OK.
Most days then I wore dresses - frilly ones -
but it was very forced and felt very weird.
So you don't wear dresses now?
Noooo!
What's it like trying to dress as a
guy?
It's harder. Coz you don't have that many
options.
As in?
As in style of shirt. There's one style
usually. In dresses you can have all sorts of
like stuff, but you've just got a shirt or you
can have a T-shirt or a jumper or something like
that. You just don't get as many fashion
options. And you can't have flair.
Why can't you have flair?
Coz people think you're gay, damnit!
So tell me, Andrew, how do you hide all
the extra bits?
By wearing clothes. It turns out that if you
wear a certain type of shirt it sort of hides
the top bits. There's a shirt that I've got.
It's like a straight and narrow shirt, it just
goes straight down, it doesn't really stick
along my body, it just goes down, and it's made
out of thick material so it doesn't show all the
bumps and stuff. I need that. I usually try to
wear long shirts to cover my bottom, and thighs
because chicks have thighs. And a pair of
pantyhose on the chest area to push them down.
But I have used tape.
Ouch.
It was ouchie. But it worked.
That's so painful, I can't believe you did
that.
Yeah well. It worked. It made it very flat.
But very crinkly. "What's that crinkly sound?"
"Oh never mind, that's just my... that's just...
that's just something in my pocket..."
Do you feel you come across to other
people how you want to?
Now, most of the time I do. Most people call
me 'sir' or 'mayyyte'. It's good. It feel so
much better. In regards to how people treat me,
I don't think its much different. If I was
attractive before I changed then that would be a
different story. But I'm now getting these funny
little 'male only' messages from others. Nods,
acknowledgments, 'little chats'. I'm getting
chats about cars and girls and drugs, funnily
enough. Most of the time I think people have to
do a little double take and have a think about
which gender I am. Coz I get a lot of questions,
people coming up to me and asking me if I'm a
boy or a girl. When I was wearing dresses lots
of little children asked why I was wearing a
dress coz I was a boy. Um, there were lots of
bad looks in the toilets, in the female toilets.
You get a few people who know that I'm female
and call me "ma'am", and that really irks
me.
Does it make you uncomfortable?
Stressed?
Yes, I just feel really let down by myself
for convincing myself I could pass, and then
failing. Yeah it does feel a bit stressful
because it makes me think whether I'm doing it
right or not if someone can just look and
immediately know I'm female.
Tell me about your relationships with
other people?
I try not to get very close to people because
I never know what their opinion on the whole
transgender thing is. I don't want to make
people uncomfortable and I definitely don't want
to get into a situation. During the name
changing thing I didn't want to give people my
name in case it came back to haunt me later on
when I had changed it.
That's why I took on a nickname with a nice
male leaning to it. If people knew me as female
it wouldn't worry me too much if they used it
after I changed my name in front of people that
didn't know my old name. It was a nice
transitioning thing. It was very helpful. So I
had a year or so that I gave people my nick name
when they asked for my name.
After deciding that you were male, did you
tell your mum about it first?
I told my mum.
And then?
I tried to tell my sisters but that's a no
go. The oldest sister didn't understand but
initially was supportive. She was very worried
about the drugs and didn't understand how they
could work but now she's not as supportive as
she's having to think about our relationship and
the fact that she'll have to remember that I
don't want to identify as female. And I don't
think she wants a brother. The other sister is
very homophobic so there's no understanding at
all.
You went to counsellors?
Yep. I went to my home town country doctor
first, and she didn't know much about it coz
she's a country doctor, and you don't really get
that much in the country. Um, so she sent me to
mental health people, and they looked up the
internet coz they didn't know much about it
either. So I just got along by myself until I
moved to Melbourne.
On moving to Melbourne, and discovering
yourself in lovely Brunswick where everyone is
enlightened by and large, who did you call up
then?
The doctor down the road.
And what did doctor down the road
say?
He said "Hmm, OK" and didn't blink, and just
went "right" as if I'd said "I've got a cold".
He got jiggy with it on the internet and in his
medical directory thing that doctors have, and
looked up all these places for gay people, who
meet and discuss, and gave me a list of groups
that weren't necessarily transgender but just
gay people.
Did you go to any of these groups?
No. It was too stressful for me to use the
telephone because I didn't know what to say at
all. So my girlfriend rang them up for me. One
group rang back. The Transgender Liberation
and Care group. TLC. Which caters for people
like me. And they gave me a whole heap of
information, including information on two
options to start the ball rolling with the
transition. One was a medical clinic and the
other was a Monash medical place which is mainly
for gender issues.
And so what did you do then? Tell me your
course of action.
I went back to my doctor and he rang up the
Monash group, and got them to send me some
information, which was basically put your name
on a list and we'll give you more information in
two months.
Do you know why it was that sort of
wait?
They only take a few people a year
apparently. And it's basically fairly cheap for
the patients, and they wanted to make sure that
you knew what you were doing before they started
anything.
So you didn't just wake up one morning and
go "hmm, today I'm going to change my gender, my
sex".
That's right... "I'm going to go through a
lot of heartache and pain today..."
So they sent you your stuff and...
And I had to fill out a form explain why I
wanted to go on the program and my history -
personal and medical. And two photos and all
that - plus a letter from the doctor that
referred me. I got my photos taken, and that was
the moment I realised that I didn't want to send
my form away coz I had very bad photos.
So you didn't send the form off?
I didn't send the form off. Because I found a
doctor that would just give me the hormones that
I wanted. Without having to have to go through
the whole process.
What is the process with the Monash
dudes?
Well you wait two months in a list, and after
that two months, they give you counselling for
another year or so about whether or not you want
to do it or not, so you don't have any doubts or
anything. Coz it's costing them money and
reputation. And after that I think they give you
a little bit of hormones and see how it goes and
monitor it all and things like that. I dunno,
but it was a very long process.
As much as I think that it's a excellent and
safe idea to be monitored properly with the
transition and all, I hated the idea of Monash.
When I was filling out the forms I had the worst
panic attacks worrying about if they didn't
accept me and I would have to put up living in
this weird wrong gender hell. I was feeling much
worse worrying and feeling the waiting and
things that I wanted to start immediately. I
didn't want to waste any more time talking to
people and explaining it over and over again and
feeling like my feelings had to be absolutely
valid to everyone else. I knew they were real. I
knew it wasn't just something trivial. I knew it
was a lot more than what people going through
plastic surgery go through, but they have very
little judging before they go through it.
The sound of Monash's plan was very lengthy
and very heavy on the soul. I felt extremely
guilty and uptight and defensive. And I
definitely didn't want to wait another year or
so before I started hormones.
So you called up the other doctor
instead?
Yeah.
And what was his deal with
hormones??
His deal was if you ask for them and you look
sincere he'd probably give the hormones to you.
And you go down to the chemist with your script,
and they give you the injection stuff, and you
take it back to the doctors and you get it
injected. It sounded fairly dodgy and too easy
compared to Monash but I wasn't caring. I asked
around and he seemed to be very safe, and he
gave me all the information about the
testosterone.
You can go to the doctor every two or three
weeks or you can learnt to do it yourself or get
someone else to do it for you. "I've just got to
go and do my hormones. I need another hit! Pump
me up! I need another hit! I'm feeling like a
woman!" It feels a bit weird because I've spent
so many years thinking about it. It feels weird
that it was so easy to get the hormones, because
I'd been told about all the waiting lists and
all the years of counselling, and everything
before they even consider you, and I just walked
in to the doctors and said "give me some
hormones, give me a bit of testosterone" and
they said "sure" and I got a little bit knocked
back and went "woah! This is too easy, what's
going on?!"
And did the doctor say anything about
that?
Yeah he said 'if you've got any doubts, then
don't, yet'. And I had a bit of a think about it
on the way home and realised that I really did
want them.
Does it feel different for you, now that
you've got the hormones?
It does. Since I've gone to the doctor and
realised that I can get all this done it makes
me feel better, because I know that I don't have
to pretend to be a girl for much longer. It just
feels better. It feels like I'm on the way,
which I am.
So do you know how long you have to go on
hormones for?
For about two years or something for
everything to start working. For your muscles to
change and everything. By about two years,
everything should have steadied, but after six
months you should've figured out all the
differences. You would have noticed them all,
including not having periods and growing sidies
- yaaayyyyy!
And getting manly muscles..
Yes, I just hope I don't get too thick. I'm
not looking forward to that. And I'm not looking
forward to the acne either.
Did this doctor guy say anything about
actual sex realignment surgery?
They don't actually do that there, you have
to go through Monash for the sex
reassignment.
But I guess you could get a breast
reduction as cosmetic surgery...
Yep. The doctor can do everything up to
reassignment.
Ok, so what do you intend to do, in which
order?
Well, first off I want the breasts removed,
but it costs a bit much.
Do you know how much it is?
Around the two thousand mark, I think. I
don't know whether I want the gender
reassignment, thing. It's not really important
right now because to me it just feels important
that other people see me as male first. Gender
reassignment is not really important right now.
Speak to me in another two years. In two years
time I'll be a Barry White impersonator. White
Barry.
I'm so thrilled to think of it.
So am I!
So d'you have any other final thoughts?
Jerry Springer style?
"Be good to each other." No...
Can you tell me what you've been doing
through this interview?
I've been unpicking bits of thread with a
quick pick whilst sitting on the floor. How
manly.
— Andrew's girlfriend, Rachel,
interviewed him for a university assignment
by Emma Tom, Australia
Used with permission.
also see — Andrew's
Story
