I have been an out lesbian for over
twenty years and involved in a monogamous
relationship for over ten. I thought I had seen
it all until my then-lover informed me a few
months ago that she had always wanted to be a
man. Because of the process I have been through
since, I wanted to write about my experiences,
as an educational tool for the gay, lesbian and
bisexual communities about transgendered people
and transsexuals (aka the "trans" community). I
can't be the only one in the lesbian/gay
community who's had no understanding, a lot of
prejudice, and complete denial that they are us.
Since everyone's experience is different, I
don't speak for anyone but myself; this is not
representative of the entire trans community.
I am writing this anonymously because my
ex-lover is not out to very many people as an
undecided pre-hormones transsexual. And I am out
to fewer people than that as a trans person
myself. For that reason, I am calling her "Jane"
(as in "Jane Doe") or "John" (as in "John Doe")
or J. for the purposes of this article. Pronouns
get confusing here, so bear with me! For both
Jane and I, pronouns are personally weird at
this point in our lives; hence, after a certain
point in this article I will begin to use
pronouns interchangeably.
How we got here
Jane told me about herself during one of
those lovers' conversations at two in the
morning - the kind where you tell all your
innermost fantasies that you probably wouldn't
share at two in the afternoon. What I heard her
saying was that she'd always fantasised about
being a gay man and that if she had the money,
she'd have an operation tomorrow. (This is not
accurate terminology, but we were both more
ignorant then).
I was in such a state of shock I couldn't say
anything meaningful; I spent the rest of the
night crying silently, finally arising at 5:30
a.m. and leaving. I felt I had never known my
lover at all, and this cast me adrift. I left
her a note that said, in part, "I can't be in a
relationship knowing I am a poor substitute for
a gay man." I wandered our neighbourhood for
hours, eating breakfast glassy-eyed at a local
cafe at 7:30, and going home when I thought it
was safe. I waited until I thought she had gone
to work. I had no idea what I was going to do,
but knew I would need some clothes and
stuff.
However, Jane had called our closest friends,
in tears, and cancelled her work for the day. I
got home and she was there with our friends. We
made up, somewhat, and our friends left us alone
to talk.
Jane had had these fantasies most of her
life. I never had a clue, and she had never told
anyone else. The primary character in her
fantasies was a gay man; she felt best about
herself when she was "being" John. Sometimes she
would let John handle a difficult situation for
her. John had become so prominent in her mind,
she was forced to realise that John was the
person she thought she should have been born,
rather than Jane. She felt more comfortable and
centred as John than as Jane. In other words,
she should have been born in a male body.
I am what I am, but what am I?
Jane's revelations threw me into an identity
crisis of major proportions: If my lover of ten
years has always felt like a man, am I really a
lesbian? Have I been involved with a man all
this time? What happens to our relationship if
Jane starts taking hormones and ends up having
surgery to actually try to be a man? She
insisted she would be the same person, only more
fully herself because her body would match her
inner feelings. "But I'm a dyke" I thought! And
I'm in love with her. Or is it him?
What does it mean, then, to be male or
female? Is it Jane I'm in love with, or John? I
have always liked her better when she was
confident and centred - who doesn't want that in
a lover? According to her, that's John, not
Jane. I have come to see gender and sexuality as
much more fluid than society (including the
lesbian community) has traditionally defined
them. And a man who was originally socialised as
female is not the same man he would have been
had he been born in a male body and socialised
male. We really need some new terminology here,
as well as a paradigm shift about how we view
gender and sexuality.
In my attempts to come to terms with the
issues, I've done a lot of studying and have
developed an initial explanation that makes
sense to me. I talked to J. about it and he said
it sounded very much like how he feels. I would
like to share this with the gay and lesbian
community so perhaps when we finally come out to
our friends, they will have some idea what we're
up against and won't ostracise us out of fear or
discomfort. (This sounds remarkably like coming
out to narrow-minded people, doesn't it ? Bear
that in mind.)
My Theory
I have concluded that there are three
continuums that form sexuality and gender
identification. I use the scale 1-10 for the
sake of convenience, though I think it's not as
cut-and-dried as that, fluctuating somewhat
throughout one's life. The first continuum has
to do with sexual orientation. I have long
believed that most people are bisexual. There
are a few true homosexuals and a few true
heterosexuals, but most fall somewhere in the
middle. Those who identify as bisexual are
really in the middle of the continuum; most who
identify as homo-or heterosexual fall to one
side or the other of the middle but would be
more willing to accept their bisexual tendencies
were our society not so "one or the other" about
sex. This is old news to many lesbians and gay
men, who generally go through a lot of
soul-searching to find themselves. What may be
less familiar are the other continuums, physical
gender and psychological-emotional gender.
All of us have met men who have high voices,
little body hair and a tendency to have breasts
rather than pecs. There are also many women who
need to shave facial hair, often bleaching the
area so it won't show. There are a few men and
women who have some of each other's sex organs.
This is the physical continuum of gender; there
is no such thing as "men" and "women" as if they
were two different, distinct things. Both are on
the same continuum.
Chromosomes and hormones are the main
ingredients determining our placement on the
physical continuum, and there is very little
chemical difference between the female and male
hormones. It is socialisation that has taught us
that there is such a huge difference between men
and women, and socialisation that is responsible
for the idea that being a man is somehow better
than being a woman. There are far more
similarities between the genders than
differences. (I can hear all you 70's lesbians,
my age group, hissing out there!).
The third continuum has to do with
psychological-emotional gender orientation. Do
you feel more like a man or a woman in your own
mind? This is a very difficult concept for
people to understand when their own
psychological, emotional and physical continuums
are closely aligned; they can't really
understand what it feels like to see your own
body as alien to your personality, to be
surprised by what you see when you look in the
mirror because you feel so much more like the
opposite sex from your body. Those people who
have equally strong male and female aspects to
their personality are in the middle of this
continuum, as I am - the gender blenders, or
bi-gendered. I am equally uncomfortable applying
the term "woman" or "man" to myself; neither
fits me by itself because both do. Again,
society forces us young to be "one or the
other"; there is no place for people like
me.
The Traditional View
The transgendered person traditionally has
been classified as having a mental disorder
known as gender dysphoria. What it boils
down to is, J.'s body is around a 3 on the
female side of the physical continuum and he
feels nearer 6 or 7 on the male side of the
psychological-emotional continuum. In order for
a person to feel really comfortable in his/her
body, those numbers have to line up better than
that.
If J.'s mind felt like an 8 or 9 on the male
side, he probably wouldn't be alive right now;
that would mean a discomfort level so great,
with no information about why, that he probably
would have committed suicide long ago. People
with that much difference on the two continuums
are those who loathe their bodies, the men who
want to slice off their penises, women who want
to get rid of their breasts, etc. J. is in
despair even now with the discrepancy level as
it is, but he doesn't loathe his female body to
the extent he wants to harm it, just modify it a
bit so his body matches more closely his
psychological gender. And J. is uncertain
whether he wants to even go that far.
Rather than considering this condition a
mental disorder, I find more credible the theory
that the cause of gender dysphoria is a hormonal
process in utero (one of many that determine
everything about us) that didn't happen quite
right and a male "psyche" was born into a female
body (or vice versa). Under this theory, gender
dysphoria could be more accurately described as
a birth defect than a mental disorder. This is
assuming one wants to classify it as a "disease"
at all, a controversial point in the trans
community right now. Having a "mental disorder"
carries some stigma; on the other hand having
the medical diagnosis is the only way to obtain
treatment, and treatment does help a lot of
people. One cannot get a prescription for
hormones, or the services of a reputable
surgeon, without that official diagnosis.
A lesbian friend of ours recently said, "It's
like magic! What a gift to be able to experience
living as both genders in the same lifetime."
It's all in your attitude! Why not consider this
a gift? What could be more well-rounded than a
person raised as one gender who then changes
his/her body and/or manner of dress to live life
as the other gender? This is special, as many
Native American tribes recognised. Such people
are called "two spirit" people and are
honoured.
Female-to-males - where have they
been?
In this culture, many an FTM (female-to-male
trans person) has come out of the lesbian
community; some live separatist lifestyles,
holding men at arms' length to avoid facing the
strong male presence inside themselves. This is
not to say that all lesbian separatists are
really FTMs; I don't believe that at all.
However, a number of FTMs I have met identified
as lesbian separatists before they finally
realised their gender identities were more male
then female. (A number also lived as
heterosexual females prior to transitioning, but
I'm speaking of my own experience here, and to
some extent J's experience.)
A familiar scenario: you feel isolated and
alone as a teenager, you fall in love with a
woman and think, "Oh, I must be a lesbian!" You
come out, with relief at finally figuring it out
and a feeling of finally "belonging". What is
less familiar to many is this possible outcome:
the years pass, and you still feel isolated and
alone. Those feelings never really went away,
after that first euphoria of embracing
lesbianism, and you can't figure it out; surely
you've found your community, your "family", and
your place in life ?
For many an FTM who has lived in the lesbian
community, it takes years, until the
mid-thirties or early forties, to figure out
that s/he never was a lesbian at all but a
heterosexual male born into the wrong body type.
It seems logical that since most people are
heterosexual, most of the males born in female
bodies are heterosexual. Upon realising their
attraction to women, most females are going to
assume they are lesbians, not that they are
males in the wrong body! (Sometimes my life
feels like the plot of an improbable science
fiction movie!)
What to do about it
Hormones and surgery are a "band-aid"
treatment, but there is no "cure" that will
align the physical and psychological/emotional
continuums even if one wanted to (any more than
one can "cure" homosexuality). The window of
opportunity is closed before birth for changing
such hormones. It is possible that someday
genetic engineering of embryos could change such
conditions; but as an adult, therapy, hormones
and transsexualism are the only treatments at
this time.
Sex reassignment surgery is so drastic - very
painful and sometimes resulting in an inability
to have an orgasm - that it is usually
recommended only for those who are so dysphoric
they are unable to resolve their problem any
other way. Those with fairly mild dysphoria may
only opt for hormones and never have any
surgery. Some, especially dedicated singers or
actors, may choose instead to cross-dress and
"pass" as the opposite gender as they wish
without hormones or surgery at all. Only intense
soul-searching and therapy can determine which
options are best for any given individual; this
is the one of the most important decisions one
can make in a lifetime. Choosing to have
children or choosing to end one's life are the
only ones that compare, it seems to me.
When a person has spent the first twenty or
thirty years of her/his life socialised as one
gender, it is extremely difficult to fully
change to the other. The unconscious attitudes
of the birth gender, ingrained from such an
early age, are always there, though they may
lessen with time after adopting life in the
opposite gender. I have met heterosexual FTMs I
thought were gay men, but it was just their
female socialisation showing; I have also met
MTFs (male-to-female) who struck me as having a
lot of male attitudes. Again, these differences
usually fade as years go by after a transition;
most transsexuals, either FTM or MTF, closely
study the mannerisms of the sex they are
changing to, in order to effectively blend in
after their transition. There has always been
great debate about how much gender differences
are innate and how much is due to socialisation;
studying long-term transsexuals could lead to
some interesting answers, or at least more
information to add to the discussion.
What now?
So where does all this leave our
relationship? Well, for right now, we still
consider ourselves family, but everything is
changing. J. might start hormones as early as
next spring. He would then wait to see if he
needs surgery also to feel fully male, or
whether hormones will be enough for him to be
comfortable. The surgery consists of several
processes, depending on life goals, and can take
over a year. It is rarely covered by insurance
(his doesn't) and can be very expensive, again
depending on which options are chosen.
I have had my own gender identity crisis as a
result of J.'s revelations, questioning the
bedrock of my own life. My therapist had me
identify all the different aspects of my
personality and name them; this led me to
conclude that I have about equal blends of male
and female aspects. This being the case, I am
choosing not to transition; I wouldn't feel
significantly more comfortable in a male body
than in a female one, so why bother? But I am
probably going to change my name, to honour the
male aspects who are living in a female
body.
This redefinition of myself has caused me to
examine, for the first time in twenty years, my
own place in the lesbian community. Do I really
belong here with so much "maleness" in my
personality? I have concluded that I belong
wherever I feel comfortable, as I have female
aspects who are undeniably attracted to women.
But I can never be a separatist again, as was my
tendency earlier in my life. To do so would be
to deny a strong part of my personality, much
like remaining in a heterosexual relationship to
help deny one's homosexuality to oneself. The
denial takes its toll, and the price is
happiness and peace of mind.
I don't know what the future holds for J. and
I. He still loves me. I still love her/him. We
are both in therapy. We e-mail each other
regularly, but don't spend much actual time
together; gender identity issues are so
intensely personal it's very difficult to remain
centred and self-focused enough to make these
most important decisions of a lifetime, and deal
with your ex-lover at the same time. We have not
ruled out the possibility of some future
relationship and will certainly be close friends
if nothing more, once we've resolved our
individual gender identity issues. J. has helped
me with this article, giving me valuable
feedback and supporting me every step of the
way.
Who knows how I would feel about J. if she
did start hormone treatments and became a guy?
Who knows how J. would feel about me, despite
his identification as a gay man? I have met
transsexuals who have gone into transition
believing one thing about their sexuality and
found it changed when they actually occupied an
opposite-gender body. My feeling is that people
who have lived as both genders can't really
consider things like sexuality and gender
orientation to be as fixed as society
proscribes. This is particularly true when there
are strong emotional ties between two people, as
there are between J. and I.
The budding trans movement
J. and I attended the first conference for
Female-to-Male trans people in San Francisco
this past August. What an eye-opener! What
struck me most was the diversity of people; it
was somewhat like taking 300 random white people
from all over the country, putting them in a
room together, and holding a conference based on
their commonality as white people. The people in
attendance had nothing in common (including
ethnicity) except some degree of gender identity
questions, and the degrees ran from mild to
extreme.
There were guys who had been guys for
decades. Guys who had just started hormones the
week before. Gender blenders like me. Partners.
Straights. Gays. Bisexuals. I met an FTM who is
now a gay male drag queen. Two heterosexual
parents with their new "son", which was
wonderful. It was somewhat disjointed because
there was so little common ground between all
the participants, and I was a bit uncomfortable
around all that "teenage male" energy, a female
who starts taking male hormones will go through
male puberty with all the symptoms of a teenage
boy. Oh, joy... The one thing we did share was
relief at finding we are not alone. There were
guys there who had never met another FTM, and no
one had ever seen 300 FTMs in the same room
together.
The trans movement is in its infancy, just
beginning to wave a hand and say, "Hey, I'm over
here! Don't ignore me anymore!", just as
lesbians and gay men were doing some twenty-five
years ago. There have been a few trans voices in
the wilderness, but the lesbian and gay civil
rights movement is very strong, established and
mature compared to that of trans people.
Our movement is not synonymous with the
lesbian and gay movement; many trans people are
heterosexual. But we are a sexual minority
nonetheless and the banner we can all march
under is QUEER! To the religious right, we are
all perverted; the Christian Coalition neither
notices or cares that we're different from each
other. So don't abandon the trans folks,
shuddering in disgust and feeling glad you're
not "one of them." We're all queer, so get over
it, expand your definitions and broaden your
mind!
There are so many parallels between our
movements. We can share resources and join our
strengths to our mutual benefit. It will
impoverish both our movements if we turn our
backs on each other; any civil rights movement
is diminished when it discriminates against
another minority. Many of us thought we were
you, and some of us are you. Think about that.
If anyone had told me six months ago what I'd be
writing today, I would have laughed
uproariously, but here we are.
— by Jane's
friend/pal/ex-lover/, USA
