I identified as male since very early
childhood, and grew up a tomboy. My attraction
to girls I was also aware of from a very early
age. However I never thought of myself as a
lesbian, just a boy. This got me into trouble in
high school when I expressed an attraction to a
female friend and from there on became the token
dyke, which forced me to define myself more...
Identifying as a straight male seemed natural
to me. I definitely didn't enjoy either the
physical or emotional changes of puberty.
However I managed to have a number of successful
relationships with girls, some of whom were
undoubtedly lesbians... As I matured it became
more obvious to me that I was transsexual and I
wanted to undergo sex change therapy.
Eventually I took the plunge and went through
the usual medical routine with 2 GPs, 2 shrinks,
and an endo (the same one you list on your site
incidentally *smile*). I got myself a script for
testosterone. And then...
...well I'm still not sure, really. I guess I
just started thinking about all the permanent
effects that T would have on my body, and then I
started wondering if it was worth it. And...
well there were a lot of factors. I didn't seem
so unhappy about having a female body anymore. I
realised I was bi, and I'd had some
relationships with both straight and gay men. I
have to admit (although I don't feel very proud
about it) that it just seemed "easier" to stay
female, and I thought that, well if I could
survive being in my XX body and all the
associated societal norms that come with such a
body, maybe it was for the best. And that's what
happened. I guess that now I identify as a lot
of things, or nothing...
Sometimes I still experience gender
dysphoria, and there are a lot of aspects of my
personality that are still male, particularly
with regards to sex and relationships. On the
other hand, I'm mostly involved with straight
men these days, and I do wear female clothes
(including skirts and heels, shock horror
*grin*) if I feel like it. (But I still have a
lot of my male wardrobe, and enjoy wearing that
too.)
I have to admit, I'm happier now than I was
as a transman. I just feel much more relaxed
about everything, and I can enjoy a lot more
experiences, without that terrible dysphoric
"this isn't really me" feeling. Maybe I would be
as happy if I'd gone through with the T, and
maybe sometime in the future I will want to be
physically male. But for the moment this is
quite OK--it has been for the past 3 or so years
since I decided not to fill my T script.
