ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, I've had the
misfortune to undergo a divorce from my lover of
nearly 18 months; the woman who first encouraged
me to embark upon my process. This has triggered
many issues for me over the past few weeks.
Beside the initial shock of separation and
finding out that the woman who loved in me my
masculinity, now find it inappropriate, many
insecurities and self-doubts have emerged. I
hadn't realised the extend to which I had relied
upon her for validation of my new gender and the
ability to feel sexy with it. I had to question
whether what I had been doing to my body was in
part to please and retain her as a lover, if I
were better off remaining as a transvestite and
did I really want surgery of any form, all
issues I thought I had previously been clear
on.
Being left caused me to blame my masculinity
for my rejection and thus I briefly became quite
loathing of myself, feeling that my 'maleness'
had now become a problem, a fundamental
characteristic that would forever alienation
women (and in particular lesbians) for me. Ok,
so it all sounds rather dramatic but these
concerns were very real and distressing at the
time of analysis and could well happen to
yourselves, which is why in part I'm relaying
this trauma.
Culturally identifying as a male lesbian
(with poofter leanings), I panicked at the
thought of being ostracised within my community
through simply being no longer viewed as an
attractive and desirable person (after all
lesbians do ultimately wish to be with women).
Was I to see myself the recipient of every
lesbian's sexually curious bisexual phase and
never experience a long-term relationship again?
Would I have to find my partners amongst
heterosexual women with whom I have no cultural
base or affinity? In despair would I make myself
totally gay and live my life with gay male
partners as some sort of consolation or worse,
would my transsexuality cause me to be
absolutely alone romantically? Scary stuff
especially for one as myself who always seemed
to wind up in a relationship sooner or
later.
So sifting my way through not only the grief
and loss of a partner, I've had a mountain of
self-questioning to contend with. Ultimately,
I'm grateful that this has all occurred and it
has shown me that I had shelved in my mind the
vast consequences of my gender decision on a
very fundamental level, going along on the ideal
concept that all would fall into place easily
through sheer determination.
Many people have said how brave I have been
in choosing to undergo a gender transformation
and my reaction to this until now has been to
think "what bravery? It's a simple decision
based on what is true." (all of course spoken
from within the sheltered security and nurturing
of a lover relationship). Now I am feeling that
yes it does take much courage to do what we are
doing and is indeed a painful process on many
levels with a number of difficult
sacrifices.
I'm now learning to re-establish myself as
who I really want to be, weighing the pros and
cons. I'm learning to fall in love with myself
as a man and to find myself attractive (it's
wonderful what stress can do for your figure!).
I'm learning to think positively about the
future and my position in it, which is still
causing confusion for me, and to realise that
the appropriate lovers will enter my life as
karmically destined, and being a unique
individual will attract unique others to me.
I was comforted to read that James (of FTM
US), who having lost his lesbian partner of 14
years through his process, has now found another
partner who loves him for himself and celebrates
his combination of true maleness and
femaleness.
As with this process and others, it is even
more evident that we need to support each other
and share out experiences through the difficult
times. Having initiated this support group, I'm
now finding how important it is for my own
growth also, along with others that this network
is helping.
