Many transsexuals think that the last
step in transitioning from female to male or
male to female is sex reassignment
surgery. Through personal experience I have
found that surgery is just one of the step along
the way of integrating yourself with a preferred
gender role. After all what you have in your
pants isn't usually in plain sight. Still,
wadded up socks just won't do. Most female to
male transsexuals, even with the best tucking of
the largest tube socks know that the bulge
really isn't them. Because of your paranoia you
think everyone else knows.
I guess that is why I went through all the
surgeries so I would know that the bulge I had
between my legs was me and not a tube sock.
Surgery gave me more confidence and I wouldn't
be found out. Surgery made me feel like a
genetic male in my mind. And what's in my mind
makes my outward appearance (through my
attitude) more unmistakeably male.
Still, I realise that surgery is not the end
of my path. Definitely I have had to and will
continue to learn my new general role and rules
as a male. As a child I wasn't taught to
function as a male. I thought because I was
always a tomboy, acted butch, and never had any
trouble passing as a male, that when I had sex
reassignment surgey it would be over. I would be
male. I would have nothing more to learn and
that would be that! I was so wrong. I had a
Clint Eastwood kind of vision on what males do,
what they say and how they act. But a wise man
once said, until you have walked in another
man's shoes you don't really know what it's
like.
I am still surprised when strangers refer to
me as "he". I continue to look in the mirror and
think I look like a girl. The male I've become
doesn't realise when a girl is coming on to him.
I don't know how to act when I am attracted to a
girl. I am having to learn to be aggressive. I
feel as if I am a teenager who looks like an
adult but is still in that phase between being a
kid and becoming an adult.
People see me as a 25 year old male and
expect me to have the maturity and life
experiences of a man of that age. I don't. But I
have to act as if I do. Inside a little boy is
crying out hey, wait a minute. What am I
supposed to do next…I don't want to look
stupid!
I realise that a lot of things that would
have normally been cultivated into my growing up
as a male are missing. Men learn to stand up for
themselves. Men learn to take risks. Men learn
to be aggressive. Parents make sure that boys
learn to be boys by putting them into Little
League or Karate, to develop that killer
instinct. I was put into ballet to learn to be
graceful and sweet. Boys play the drums or
trombone. I was given a flute. Boys are given
guns and knives for Christmas. I was given a tea
set and barbie dolls. Boy must learn to take
risks at an early age. They are the ones who ask
the girl for a date. I had to wait to be asked.
Boys are shown by their fathers to be
independent, to be providers, bring home the
money and take responsibility for themselves and
their families. I was taught that someone would
provide for me, take care of me financially. I
was taught that my role was one of
dependence.
I know that have to mature as a male into my
adult male role. I have been thrown into the
competition with all the seasoned players. I
look back at the last two years of my transition
and see where I have come from. I have grown out
of my little boy period, entered into my teenage
years of still trying to figure it all out, and
am now establishing my new male identity.
I don't think I will ever catch up to the
males of my age, because I got such a late
start. But as a transsexual, I have learned to
be a good actor. Outwardly they may never know
that they are really dealing with a
forty-year-old teenager.
As I said before, just because you have the
equipment and wear the uniform doesn't ensure
that you know how to play the game.
I wish I had been given an instruction manual
with my sex reassignment surgery on How To Be
a Man, Written by Men and Only For Men. But
then again, I've never read the instructions
that came with my new toy I've bought...
