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Note from Michelle regarding the Diary
Entries:
From Day One of Chris getting injections we have
been keeping a journal of side effects, changes,
feelings etc. I thought it would be interesting
to commit to paper the changes from the littlest
thing to the most major. We have been asked to
share this journey with you. We hope it helps
partners as well as those who are just starting
out or who are thinking about it.
27th May 2004
Day one - injection day. There are
great expectations of what is going to happen
from here on in. Half an ampoule of T was given
at 3.30 pm today.
28th May 2004
Day Two - the area where injection was
received became extremely sensitive. Chris had a
headache today and he noticed slight change in
body smell, though it was not evident to anybody
else.
29th May 2004
Day Three - Body temperature seemed to
increase slightly noticed when we woke up that
the bed sheets were slightly wet from Chris
sweating during the night. Noticed a few skin
irritations have put it down to temperature
increase. Chris complained of sharp pains in
stomach, need to keep an eye on this just in
case.
30th May 2004
Day Four - Pains in stomach still there
quite sharp, slight headaches and body
temperature still increasing.
31st May 2004
Day Five - Headaches still occurring.
Pains in the stomach continuing. Nature is
fighting everything. Very hard day for Chris
today he is closer to his dreams but nature has
stepped in today and made him aware that part of
his body is still female. I don't think the
changes are happening quickly enough for him.
1st June 2004
Day Six - Headaches still ongoing,
pains in the stomach increasing. Mother Nature
gave Chris a break today I wonder if it will
last.
2nd June 2004
Day Seven - Nope didn't last. It all
started again today. Poor Chris the mind says he
is male, the injections are promising to change
him physically, his body is still saying he is
female. One good thing is that the headaches
seemed to have stopped. Lots of pain still.
Chris noticed that his voice was croaky today
though it is possible it is the flu. I don't
think the injections will work that quickly.
3rd June 2004
Day Eight - No other changes apart from
noted already will write again when something
else happens. He is still in a lot of pain and
Mother Nature is not letting go. She is making
sure her point is known, I am sure.
6th June 2004
Day 11 - The past few days have been
hard for Chris but everything seems to be back
on track. He is now a boy again no female
interruptions. Though now he is acting like a
teenager, though hormones are running rampant
now. It feels like he has a one track mind. He
is trying to stay busy, poor dear, fighting
those urges. I wonder how long that will last.
7th June 2004
Day 12 - No other changes, Poor Chris
it just isn't happening quick enough. Though I
think the hormones are running wild. It is like
dating a teenager, there is a lot of sexual
energy there. Am I going to cope?
8th June 2004
Day 13 - Aches and pains in the back
have started. Not sure why this is happening
will just have to wait and see.
9th June 2004
Day 14 - Noticed Chris' voice is still
croaky. Could be the flu we will just have to
wait and see. Chris said he was feeling down
today, described it as being flat.
10th June 2004
Day 15 - Second injection is today,
Chris is feeling really excited about it. Only
having half doses and after the next two shots
he is going try the pellets. My teenage husband
seems to have matured, in the last couple of
days, don't have to fight him off as much.
11th June 2004
Day 16 - Chris is feeling more alive
today, the injections seem to be having an
effect on the way he feels though it isn't
obvious. My teenage husband is back. I may have
to start taking something myself soon just to
keep up with him.
14th June 2004
Day 19 - Voice is still different not
so much when he talks but when he make
exclamation noises or sings you can hear the
different pitches in the voice.
15th June 2004
Day 20 - Noticed a few pimples are on
his back. Unusual as he doesn't normally get
them. He says he can feel as though his hair is
growing on his face.
16th June 2004
Day 21 - Chris thinks he is getting
sick because he has a sore throat today, I guess
this explains the change in voice.
17th June 2004
Day 22 - Chris asked me to have a look
at his face to see if hair is growing. It
actually looks like it is.
18th June 2004
Day 23 - When I look in Chris'
direction I notice he keeps feeling his chin for
hairs. He says he can't wait to start shaving -
even though he wants to shave, he also wants a
goatee when he has transitioned. It is quite
funny because when we were first together he
said he wanted to shave and would keep teasing
me with it saying he was going to grow a goatee
and start shaving. Now this is a reality. He
cannot hide the excitement in his face. He
certainly has found himself. It is such an
interesting process to watch and extremely
exciting. Sometimes I try to imagine what he is
going to look like and how different it is all
going to be. It is so hard to imagine but at the
same time it is so exciting. Our bodies are an
amazing thing.
Chris' temperature is rising again. When he
wakes up he looks like he has taken a shower. I
guess I am going to have to turn down the water
bed temperature. We have disagreements on what
the temperature for the bed should be now as I
like it really hot. I guess it is going to get
worse from here on in.
19th June 2004
Day 24 - Chris is starting to get
agitated. It is starting to get closer to the
next injection. I know he doesn't like feeling
that he is now relying on these injections
because of the feelings it gives him and how he
comes down as it starts to wear off. I have
asked him does he want to stop because it is
starting to get to him. But he says no. He wants
to keep going.
20th June 2004
Day 25 - Temperature is constantly warm
all the time now and he is sweating while he
sleeps. Hopefully this will even out eventually.
I am noticing that has he feels warmer all the
time and I now feel the cold more.
2nd July 2004
Day 38 - There haven't been any new
changes so have not written for a while but
today Chris informed his boss of what he is
doing and she is being very supportive. His boss
also informed his CEO and a meeting was
organised between them to discuss the matter he
too is being very supportive. Chris started to
tell his staff. So far so good, no negative
feedback as yet.
8th July 2004
Day 44 - This is the last injection
before the pellets. After the last FTMA meeting
when Leo spoke, we were unsure about them. But
Chris is going to try them anyway.
9th July 2004
Day 45 - Noticing lots of hair on
Chris' face now. He is very excited as he will
have to consider shaving soon. He says people
are starting to notice.
10th July 2004
Day 46 - Most people who now know about
Chris have been very supportive. It hasn't been
as hard as we thought it would be telling
people. I guess it is because everybody can see
how happy Chris is now and how can you be
negative about something that makes people this
happy.
14th July 2004
Day 50 - Chris is starting to feel
comfortable in his own skin now. Though he
hasn't gone through with any operations yet the
way he feels inside is showing on the outside
and this has increased his confidence to no end.
20th July 2004
Day 56 - Chris is getting the pellets
tomorrow. He is feeling very scared about it,
but happy as well.
21st July 2004
Day 57 - Pellet day. As were waiting to
go in Chris went about three different shades of
white. As soon as we went in Chris went and lay
down on the bed, because he was feeling nervous.
Leo wasn't in so we had Anne. She gave Chris a
local needle, then three more to numb the area
then inserted the metal tube placing a pellet in
there and then pushing them into the fat of his
stomach. Chris felt the second pellet going in.
I really felt sorry for him as he said it really
hurt and stung a lot. Anne gave him another
local in the area where the other pellets were
going just in case. I know Chris really wanted
to get it in the hip but Anne advised against it
first off. I don't know how Chris is going to
cope with them in his stomach. Afterwards he
said he didn't like the feeling of the cutting
of skin but I guess it's the thought of what
they were doing rather then feeling it.
Afterwards (1 hour after) Chris started to feel
tender.
22nd July 2004
Day 58 - His stomach is really sore and
hurts when he bends or bumps it. He really isn't
coping with the pellets in the stomach.
23rd July 2004
Day 59 - He is still feeling tender,
but not as worried, seems to be healing ok. We
had the day off work so he could rest. We went
and bought him a Shaver today. He was like a kid
in a candy store. There were just too many to
choose from. He finally found one he liked and
couldn't wait to get home to use it. He needed
to start shaving as the hair is really getting
noticeable now and looking untidy. Chris has
also said that people are really concerned with
his health (that is those who don't know yet) as
he has had the flu for so long now and his voice
doesn't seem to be getting any better. Even
though the voice change is really only slight
and doesn't sound different all the time there
are definitely times when the pitch is either
really low or really high. I guess it is not
going to be long now before the change is
noticeable all the time.
29th July 2004
Day 65 - The bandage that was on Chris'
stomach came off last night with a little bit of
help from me. It has been a week and Anne said
it would be fine to take the bandage off then if
it hadn't fallen off by then. I was a bit
nervous taking it off as I was scared it might
have been too soon. But the bandage was really
starting to irritate Chris' skin and annoy him.
The cut had healed so all was good. But now
Chris can really feel the pellets moving around
inside the stomach. I have been keeping an eye
on them as well. Chris won't be getting the
pellets in the stomach again it is really too
uncomfortable. Not sure yet whether he will go
back to injections or will try the pellets in
the hip. Will have to wait and see he has a few
months to decide.
His facial hair is really growing back quite
quickly and getting really prickly. Chris is
very excited about it all. I know he really
wants to grow a goatee but until we can afford
the surgery he will have to keep shaving. It is
going to get harder soon neither of us realized
just how quickly the physical changes would be.
Will need to start looking into the surgeries
and what we need to do. It will be exciting to
see what happens from here on in.
2nd August 2004
Day 69 - The pellets are still
bothering Chris though it is healing quite
nicely. We keep looking at it to make sure they
are not going to pop out. They keep moving
closer to the scar so I guess we will have to
see what happens. I think the freedom of not
having to have the injections fortnightly is a
bonus however I don't think Chris sees it this
way just yet. (He is still quite sore).
7th August 2004
Day 74 - The pellets are still in
though one is very close to the top so we may
lose one. Chris still enjoys shaving I thought
he might get a little bored with it but so far
this has not happened. He thinks it is funny to
rub his face on mine when it is prickly as he
has taken to not shaving over the weekend unless
we are going out. The changes are really
starting to get noticeable especially the voice.
The degree of octave changes his voice is
currently going under is amazing. We will really
have to start looking into surgery especially
top surgery so he can keep transitioning with
comfort.
18th August 2004
Day 85 - Wow the days are going really
quick, Today is Chris' first blood test since
being on the pellets and we haven't lost one
yet. They are starting to decrease in size,
which is great, as they are becoming more
comfortable. I didn't think they would decrease
so quickly though. The physical changes are not
changing as quickly now I guess we have hit a
slump though as I keep telling Chris all takes
time and it will all happen, we just have to be
patient. I have noticed though his muscles are
becoming more toned and are starting to take on
a different shape especially in the arms. Chris
has always had muscly arms but now it is
becoming really noticeable.
26th August 2004
Day 93 - Nothing new has happened we
are still plodding along enjoying the physical
changes that have happened thus far. Though one
thing has happened and that is Chris has finally
won out against Mother Nature and it seems for
good. This is one less thing we have to worry
about, which is really great. I think it has
given him more confidence to be in his skin. Now
all we have to work on is the public toilet
thing. The quicker the chest surgery is done the
better then he can start using the male toilet
comfortably. It is hard at the moment as we are
living two lives daily especially out in public.
Personally I think shopping centres and any
where else they have public toilets it should
not be segregated, why can't they have unisex
toilets this way it would stop a lot of problems
(well for us anyway).
1st September 2004
Day 99 - I still cannot believe how
quickly the days are moving in. I have not been
writing as much in here lately as there really
isn't anything to report. I know I should though
to give Chris an accurate story of everything
but we are starting to blend into Transition
life and after a while you forget he is
transitioning and it is just who he is. He is
reveling in reactions from the public now when
he talks, and they respond by saying, yes sir.
But he likes it even more when they do not
correct themselves and apologise for thinking he
was male.
5th September 2004
Day 103 - Chris is experiencing pimples
on his back, and as he has never really suffered
from excessive pimples, these are really
annoying him. He is constantly itchy on his back
and as he can't reach everywhere he finds it
difficult to scratch (not that it is recommended
to do so). The mirror is becoming a favourite
pastime and he is taking longer in the bathroom
every day. I guess this is a good thing.
10th September 2004
Day 108 - He has had several headaches
in the last few days. He is taking Panadol
regularly. I don't know whether they are because
of the 'T' or whether work is causing them.
Probably the latter, but we will keep an eye on
them just in case. With the muscle growth, he
believes that it could be causing the headaches
as his muscles have always caused the headaches
in the past and now that they are changing, it
could be making them worse.
15th September 2004
Day 113 - I cannot believe that it is
already time for the second blood test. We still
have all pellets so I think we are safe in
saying that they will be staying in for the
duration. We also got the first blood test
results and levels were all good so we are happy
about this. Chris has decided to try the pellets
in the hip next this way we can decide whether
we continue with this or go back to the
injections. Hopefully the hip will be ok, as the
pellets are great for giving back freedom, which
enables you to become who you want to become
with a lot more comfort.
20th September 2004
Day 118 - We are really seriously
looking into surgery now and who does what we
hope to start making appointments soon so that
we can plan to have the surgery sometime next
year. It is quite difficult to know where to
start. We have names of two surgeons one who
works where Chris works so we will probably go
along that line first and see where it will lead
us.
28th September 2004
Day 126 - Nothing new to report at this
stage we still have not been in contact with the
surgeons. This is our next plan of action over
the next couple of weeks.
4th October 2004
Day 132 - Well surgery is still on the
cards but as yet still nothing has been done
regarding it. I know it is getting very
difficult now for Chris especially when out in
public. The big problem still and I guess will
be until surgery is done is which toilet do you
use.
As Chris' face matures into a more manly
appearance and the voice is deepening, the
facial hair is becoming more apparent but yet
the chest is a big giveaway that all is not what
it seems. As well as this it also depends on the
type of clothing being worn at the time as to
what kind of outline is seen from underneath the
shirt. People are very narrow minded especially
when they don't have to deal with these kind of
issues daily. So we just take every day as it
comes and depending on the day and clothing worn
depends on which toilet is used.
14th October 2004
Day 142 - Chris is currently away on a
course in Katoomba and it amazes me how the
voice continues to change. I don't hear it as
much when we are together, I guess I am getting
used to the way it sounds but when speaking over
the phone you really notice it. It is so weird
in a lot of ways as one of my concerns was that
as the voice deepens I wouldn't recognise Chris
when he rang for me at work but even though the
phone is changing it still remains the same. I
guess it is because the changes are so subtle
that it gives you time to get used to them. The
way Chris smells is also changing (but not for
the worse), especially when wearing cologne.
1st November 2004
Day 160 - It is getting closer to the
next lot of pellets. We didn't lose any of them
which is good and they don't seem to be
bothering Chris anymore which is even better. It
has been decided that the next place to try is
the hip so we will see how this goes. Otherwise
nothing new to report really, the changes are
happening daily however they do happen slowly so
they can be easy to miss. It is easier when the
changes are noticeable so I catch myself staring
at Chris' face and body to see if anything new
has happened especially when we are out as these
are when the changes are more noticeable.
I know it sounds strange but when you are
keeping your eyes peeled for any new
developments as I have been doing you start to
notice that our men deal with people or
situations differently then they once did. I
notice especially if we have ordered lunch or
bought something if Chris gets called sir and
they continue this throughout the conversation
he walks out with such confidence and a boost
that was definitely not there moments before it
makes me smile. All I keep thinking is one day
the way being called sir makes him feel now
won't be as special anymore. Yes I do find them
special because they are milestones or stepping
stones if you like which bring him closer to the
way he is viewed by people outside our circle of
friends. By people who have no idea of the
struggles within, of the man trying to get out
and be free. Each milestone is another struggle
overcome and to experience this brings about a
deeper understanding of how things will be in
the future.
18th November 2004
Day 177 - Where did the hair come from
I am sure it wasn't there a couple of days ago.
Along with the pimples on the back which are
annoying Chris no end there are now fine strands
of hair on his back. Very fine that you cannot
seem them unless up close or a light catches
them which is what has just happened. They are
so soft at the moment to the touch I wonder if
this is how they will remain. Something tells me
this won't be the case I guess we will just have
to wait and see.
The facial hair is getting thicker in parts
though still has a long way to go towards it
being decent enough for it to be goatee material
but it is getting there. I had forgotten just
how bad stubble was, but I am being reminded of
this quite frequently now. The hair is growing
back at greater speeds now so Chris is needing
to shave more frequently which is still a
novelty. I wonder how long it will take for him
to become sick of doing it?
1st December 2004
Day 190 - Next month is pellet month
again it happens so quickly I cannot believe it.
Everything is going well friends have commented
on how much Chris' voice has changed as well as
facial features. I look back on photos of our
commitment day and compare them with now and
even though his face is still the same, it
isn't. It is hard to explain as I don't think
there really is a word that can justify the
changes as a positive, the word harsher comes to
mind but in a good way. I know, how can harsher
be good, but it is. The facial features have
become typically male with the strong jaw lines
and tougher looking skin. Looking back at old
photo's the facial features were defiantly
female even though then he was being mistaken
for male. It seems the more male he becomes the
more confused people are. It all has to go back
to the chest and hopefully soon this can be
rectified.
17th December 2004
Day 206 - The headaches seem to have
settled down in the past few months. I am just
wondering if they will come back again when the
next lot of pellets go in. Chris' muscles are
forever tightening and it seems multiplying
especially since he has not started working out
as yet. There seem to be more muscles on his
arms then ever before. His shoulders are
broadening even more then before. It will be
interesting to see how his form changes when he
starts to exercise.
6th January 2005
Day 226 - Today was D day or should I
say P day. We spent the morning at Concord
Hospital for the second lot of pellets. Chris
decided to get them in his hip even though this
meant getting one stitch. It all seemed to go
really well and Chris seemed more comfortable
with this then in the stomach so it looks like
this will be the way to go for us. He was still
sore today and I would assume he will be for a
few days afterwards but he seems to be more
mobile than when he had them in his stomach and
isn't overcompensating for them as he did
previously so all looks good for now.
13th January 2005
Day 233 - Well I don't think I will
make a surgeon anytime soon. I was told that
when the stitch was ready to come out to cut it
with a pair of nail scissors, that they would be
strong & small enough to cut it. Either I
have the world's bluntest pair of nail scissors
or I was lied to because the nail scissors don't
cut stitches. Well might don't anyway. I even
spent half an hour borrowing neighbours'
scissors to see if theirs would cut it but they
were not small enough to negotiate around the
area. I had to give up, Chris will need to go to
the doctors tomorrow to get it out. I need to
invest in some sharp scissors.
14th January 2005
Day 234 - Yep we went to the doctors,
it took her approximately two seconds to cut it.
We were in and out in five minutes which
includes waiting time to see the Doctor.
Definitely investing in a pair of sharper
scissors not going to the doctor's every time
this needs to be done. The doctor found our
story a little amusing though. We found the
doctor amusing as we were waiting for her to ask
what happened but she didn't. She couldn't get
us out of her office quick enough. It goes to
show you just because they are doctors doesn't
mean they are less narrow minded. We were hoping
to get a doctor who was willing to listen and
try to understand what Chris is going through
closer to home as at the moment our doctor is in
Sydney but for now this will not be and we will
continue seeing our doctor in Sydney when
required.
31st March 2005
Day 310 - I have been really naughty
not keeping this diary up-to-date as I promised
myself I would. But it is getting harder as
until the surgery is underway the changes that
are happening are the same day in and day out.
But for accurate record keeping I guess I should
update no matter what.
It seems Chris has lost weight, both of us
are not sure how as his appetite seems to be
increasing by the second. He always seems to be
hungry these days. His body is obviously
changing shape so he is losing weight in areas
where he once held it. I have to get him
exercising so he can get in shape so we can
start paving the way for surgery.
He has a few hassles at work so is now
looking for a new job which will put the surgery
back a bit longer. I am not sure if this is such
a good idea but I guess by the same token I
would not be happy with him going into surgery
having the mind frame he does. He is just so
stressed with work at the moment that it is
going to make him sick.
We believe it has to do with the changes that
he is going through at the moment. It is one
thing to be supportive when you look and sound
the same. But when all the changes take hold and
become noticeable then this is when support is
really required, and this is when support seems
to be diminishing enough for problems to start
coming through at work. But how do you prove
this and how do you fight something you cannot
prove?
29th June 2005
Day 400 – Wow where is the year
going? Today was pellet day it seems to come
around so quickly. Everything so far has been
going well. No pellets have been lost which is
good. The insertion today seemed a little worse
then previous times so there is some concern to
why this may be. A lot of it may be in the mind
as with each new insertion you get to know the
process better which can in turn lead you to
believe it hurts when it doesn’t. Will have
to keep an eye on this.
This time Leo [Clinic Nurse] gave me
a stitch cutter so we shouldn’t have the
same problems as previously noted. Though I was
given a firm lecture on how sharp the cutter was
so now I am more nervous then ever.
Everything else is going well. There is an
increase in body hair especially on the stomach
and facial hair is growing rapidly with more
shaving required during the week. Once the
surgeries have been completed especially the
chest I think facial hair will remain as I know
his secret desire is to have a beard. It has
always been so we will have to wait and see what
happens.
6th July 2005
Day 406 – Tonight is removing of
stitch night. With shaky hands I have removed
the stitch cutter from its covering, I can hear
Leo in my head saying how sharp it is and to be
extremely careful. I have delicately and slowly
cut the stitch and yes it has worked I have
removed my first stitch. I am now on my way and
hopefully next time it will be even easier. Even
better I still have all my fingers so there is
no need for an emergency room tonight. There
seemed to be an enormous amount of blood (dried)
on the wound this time around which causes a bit
of a concern. The pellets are quite close to the
wound also so we may lose our first pellet this
time around.
20th July 2005
Day 420 – So far so good no pellet
has been lost and they seem to be moving away
from the wound so we should be ok. The wound
itself has healed nicely and all my previous
concerns have gone.
I have noticed that the voice seems to have
gotten a bit deeper and the tone of voice is
quite loud. There have been plenty of times that
I have asked Chris to stop yelling at me only to
find out that he is talking normally and not
yelling at all. It is something that I am going
to have to get used to. It is quite easy for
misunderstandings and arguments to start because
his voice has lost that soft melody and is now
louder and deeper. I find myself more and more
looking at old photos and remarking just how
much he has changed but yet when looking at him
he has not changed at all. It is quite a bizarre
feeling he looks the way he has always looked to
me but to the rest of the world the change is
indeed remarkable.
30th April 2005
Day 132 - Well surgery is still on the
cards but as yet still nothing has been done
regarding it. I know it is getting very
difficult now for Chris especially when out in
public. The big problem still and I guess will
be until surgery is done is which toilet do you
use.
Day 340 – The diary is getting harder
and harder to update. Looking forward the only
thing really left to do is to start down the
path to the operations. Once this is finalised
then Chris will be complete and we can move onto
closing the door of his other life. Even though
the door will be closing for good doesn’t
mean it will be forgotten as Chris’ journey
of life till now has made him the person he is
today. Remembering this is important, as with
all our lives there are always good times and
bad.
Nothing much has really happened, the facial
hair is increasing slightly, but increasing. I
know it annoys Chris that it won’t thicken
as quickly as he likes but I don’t think he
will ever be really hairy so hopefully he will
be able to at least grow a decent amount of
facial hair that he can be proud of. I guess we
will just have to wait and see.
19th October 2005
Day 508 – It has finally been
done. Today we have our first meeting with Megan
regarding chest surgery. It is very unnerving,
as there is a lot of speculation about what may
be said and what will be required.
20th October 2005
Day 509 – The meeting with Megan
went well, Chris was told to give up the smokes
and to look into getting fitter which we had
already started. Obviously the fitter you are
and less fat you have then the better the
outcome. Megan showed us pictures of guys with
similar size chests as Chris that she has worked
on and what the outcome has been for them.
She was very thorough in her explanation of
how the operation would be performed which eased
our minds a lot. She answered a lot of the
questions we had whilst she went through the
processes so we were able to relax.
Chris had to undergo some tests so we are
scheduled to see Megan again on the 21st
February 2006. This appointment will be when we
book in for the actual operation. It is finally
all falling into place, Chris is quite nervous
now of going through with the operation. Even
though it is what he has always wanted it still
freaks him out, which I believe to be quite
natural. As this process will be a lengthy one
and due to Chris having a large size chest it
won’t be as easy to get used to as someone
with a smaller chest, but all in all he is also
very excited. It will be interesting to see what
a change in appearance this will make to Chris.
I wonder now if all the changes that I have
documented to date will be enhanced once the
chest operation is complete.
I guess we will all have to wait and see.
Citation
— Michelle (2004).Transition Diary
2004-2005.
Family
Section
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