The fundamental person was always there
and remains the same. You are not losing
anybody; simply witnessing the emergence of
their true colours. Interests, passions, sense
of humour, talents, and abilities, those
qualities which comprise the person that you
love will not disappear.
The outer casing of the person will change,
and they will become more comfortable with
themselves over a period of time. Ultimately any
loss is likely to be in terms of moods,
depressions, and temper; the negatives rather
than any positives.
Transsexualism itself is not an enemy. It is
our own fear of difference and lack of
understanding that hurts; these things can be
changed - transsexualism cannot.
Whether disclosure of the transsexual
condition comes at fifteen or fifty it seems to
strike a major blow at the family and friendship
circle of the person concerned. There are clouds
of bewilderment and walls of disbelief, angry
accusations and binges of blame.
How did this happen? Why you? Why us? Why
now? That such people have existed throughout
social history, and that the condition is
medically recognised and clinically treatable,
appears to be small comfort, for both the person
concerned and those around them.
This paper explores some of the fundamental
issues at the root of the pain.
From the moment we know our children are
conceived we start formulating hopes and dreams
for them, vague and nebulous at first - that
they will be healthy and whole, that they will
be happy and successful in life. Then birth
gives us more information to process, and we
become more focused in expectations.
Even the most liberated of parents, who
consider individuality above gender, bring
gender related values into play. If it is a girl
- better that she is pretty, if it is a boy -
better that he be strong. Of course such things
are not considered essential, but a little icing
on the cake of life is seldom unappreciated.
We inhabit a competitive and challenging
planet, and we all want our offspring to have
the best of it, and, whether it matters to us or
not, at birth we are given a simple gender label
for our young, which colours our picture of
hopes for them; the wishes that started the
moment their existence became known to us become
more finely tuned. Gender is the first call of
our child's life "Congratulations! It's a boy!"
or "Congratulations! It's a girl!", and a new
individual is put into a category which, by the
law of averages, will probably suit its nature,
but once in a while, will not.
The reason that the majority of us have
seldom deeply questioned the gender ascribed to
us at birth is that it is congruent with our
nature. We may wish that our qualities and
attributes were greater, less, more finely
honed, or even different, but basically the
given category suits us.
As we grow and mature our sense of identity
develops on both a personal and group basis, and
the gender generalisation given at the moment of
our birth provides a backdrop to our existence,
an undercurrent to the flow of our life, and a
basis on which we and others build. An old adage
says "If the cap fits wear it"; but how do we
wear a cap that doesn't fit at all?
The answer is at best with profound
embarrassment and at worst painfully. How many
of us cringe at the old photographs taken when
our mothers knew what suited us best in clothes?
How many can empathise with the feelings of
failure loaded on to a child who has two left
feet in a family of dancers or sportspeople? How
much greater the embarrassment and pain when
that which does not fit is supposed to underpin
our very being?
When we are born a summary glance between our
legs results in a cascade of anticipation and
hopes being focused on what is perceived to be a
gender indicator, in a society built upon
thousands of years of gender based culture.
Thousands of years of human experience and
endeavour have also proven that things are not
always as they first seem, and human beings make
mistakes.
Most times a persons physical sex and
psychological gender match up sufficiently well
for that individual to exist comfortably in
their society, that is the way of the world. It
is not however a Universal truth, and for some
individuals genitals and gender are a
mismatch.
When a transsexual person discloses their
nature the intention is to be real and true, not
to confound and disappoint. It takes a lot for
any human being to stand up and declare
themselves different from the others, the
greater the difference the harder the task.
Asserting our own unique individuality when it
goes against the assumptions and expectations of
our social group is something that most of us
prefer not to do; human beings are social
animals who seek the affirmation and comfort of
belonging. Paradoxically each of us would also
be recognised as individual and valued for our
true self, most especially by those we love and
value ourselves; in this a transsexual person is
no different to the rest.
Perhaps one day we will celebrate the birth
of individual people and wait for them to tell
us who they are, and then our society will have
a little less pain from its assumptions and a
little more acceptance in its heart, on all
sides.
©Tina Livingstone B.Ed
Hons, 27th October 2000
Free Information Paper available at
www.depend.org.uk
